Category: NaBloPoMo

Chapter Twenty Eight: Education Burdens

“Keep in mind everyone, once you graduate, you’ll become an integral part of society.” It was another one of those lectures that the final year students had to sit through. The lecturer was their principal. They had a lot of those nowadays. The principal spoke most of the time, but occasionally, they invited famous pep speakers to give guest lectures. It was a routine torture for the final years. Old people talking, and insisting about the importance of higher education and the social recognition it creates.

A lot of students grew annoyed every time this happened; a handful of students felt higher education was just an excuse to live off their parents’ money. A few others had had enough of text books and studying. They wanted to move on, and start living their lives.

Some others paid attention to every little detail of the lectures. They considered higher formal education, and MBA seemed like a good idea. They were most of the rich people who had access to mounds of gold their parents and grandparents had preserved. But they were just a small group.

The majority, like Praveena, had decided to end their formal education. Praveena felt as if college had taken over the best years of her life; that she was spending her life being miserable, by choice, when she could have done something meaningful. She now thought about it a lot. She wondered of the future, and what it would hold for her. She had always evaded thinking ahead, but now the time was ripe to make some serious plans — ‘and a few contingency plans too’ her inner voice added. She remained undecided though.

Anil had decided to do his MBA; he had decided to remain in Bangalore. He wanted to take on a part time job and fend for himself — at least a portion of his personal expenses.

“What would you do?” Anil asked one day as they sat in the canteen, having lunch.

Praveena shrugged. She knew she should have made a decision by now, but she couldn’t make her mind up. The thought of graduating without Niveda still disturbed her. “Stay at home for some time, maybe. Have some fun, until I come up with something.” she said hoping for something of another holiday. Anil didn’t seem to think likewise.

“You going to settle down?” he asked, looking disappointed.

“Ya, I’m thinking,” she said unsure “for a while.”

Anil almost laughed. “I was talking about marriage, you idiot!” he tried to control his laughter, and failing.

“Oh,” Praveena smiled sheepishly, “nope, not marriage.” she said, and added indignantly “I’m too young for that!” Anil laughed with her.

“So,” he probed again, once the laughter had died down, “you’re going to stay home, for a while?”

Praveena nodded chewing on her lunch, not saying anything.

As Praveena’s final exams approached, she couldn’t miss the tension and the excitement that was obvious in almost every soul in the college. The teachers were the most happy with the end of the course. They often referred to Praveena’s batch as the worst batch they had had to teach. Niveda’s issue had been an added negative for them to cling on to. They showed their eagerness to be rid of the troublesome batch.

The students were on par with the teachers in terms of joy. There were plenty of goodbye parties in the hostels. From the girls’ hostel, Praveena could hear the racket coming from the boys’ hostel. It was the same every night. These parties usually happened after the exams, some seniors had told her, but this time, the parties had begun way ahead. She too felt like putting her book down and partying. Knowing they would be free after this one final exam made it all the more difficult to concentrate. Praveena’s mind kept wandering to the enjoying phase after the exams.

She forced herself to study. ‘One last time,’ convincing herself.

The final paper of the final exam was upon them. That morning, Anil and Praveena met in the canteen as usual and had an unusual, quiet breakfast. Praveena was feeling plenty of emotions at the same time. She was happy college life had come to a close. She was reluctant to leave Bangalore; she had enjoyed the city’s refreshing climate. She would leave Anil behind, and that was painful too. He had been her closest friend and only comfort after Niveda. She was thankful to him for staying by her side, throughout the tough episodes of Niveda’s treatment and death.

But most of all, it was the thought of Niveda. During the first year, when Praveena was just beginning to get accustomed to Niveda’s regular chatter, she would imagine themselves graduating together, and then remaining friends for life. Every time she thought of it, she wanted to weep. She cast the thought aside, deciding instead, to focus on her sandwich.

“Last day,” Anil observed. He sneaked a look at Praveena to catch her reaction. “Yeah,” She nodded as memories swivelled in her head.

They finished the exam, and met again for a quiet lunch.

“I’ll miss you, Praveena” Anil said flatly. “You are my best friend, you know.” he pursed his lips in a tight smile.

Praveena looked at him, a long calculating look. She knew she would miss him too, more than she could say.

“Me too,” she ended the conversation.

Chapter Twenty Seven: Home

Kamal waltzed to the tune in his mind as Praveena entered the kitchen. He swayed this way making coffee and toast. He turned to get the jar of honey, when he noticed Praveena standing on the doorway, watching him dance, with a quiet smile on her face.

“You hungry?” he asked concerned, “It’ll take just a minute,” he added, wiping his hands on a towel.

“Pa,” Praveena began her heart heavy, “I want to tell you something.” Kamal eyed her curiously, hands on his hips. And then, all of a sudden, the toaster popped.

“Let’s talk about it over breakfast,” he said gathering the toast onto a plate while Praveena took the coffee pot. They sat at the dining table, facing each other. Praveena began again, “Pa,” she cleared her throat, and then told him everything—from Niveda’s addiction, and their efforts to get help, to her suicide. Her voice broke every now and then, but she managed to tell the tale without crying. Kamal mushed on his toast, listening without interrupting. He gave a lot of reactions, all at the appropriate times, but did nothing to distract Praveena. He let her speak. From her well–rehearsed narrative he realized she had gone over the details more than once.

Praveena finished and took a sip of her black, sugarless coffee. She waited to hear her father’s response. A few minutes of silence later he said, “eat.”

Praveena ate. He said nothing more until after breakfast. Even after they had finished, and the dishes were done, Kamal still hadn’t said a work. Praveena could bear it no longer, “Why aren’t you saying anything, Pa?” When he looked at her questioningly, she tried again, “about — ”

“I know what you meant, Praveena” he cut her off gently. “Now, go and sleep for a while.”

Praveena was stunned. She had just told her father her closest friend had committed suicide next to her bed, and here he stood, telling her to go and have a nap! She couldn’t believe her ears. Seeing the confusion on her face, Kamal said. “You know what? I think your mother’s ghost has possessed me.” Praveena raised her eyebrows. “Go and sleep, I can see you haven’t had that in a while.” He gestured her to go upstairs.

Praveena couldn’t conceal her surprise. She smiled at Kamal, even though she didn’t say a word, her smile was so full of love that Kamal understood how much she appreciated him. She went upstairs to her room and sat cross legged on her bed. She tried calling Ms Marrie, but the result was the same as always: Subscriber beyond network reach.

She looked around her room, all her things remained in the same place, except it was cleaner than she had ever kept it. She lay back, looking up at the ceiling fan, and as the memories engulfed her, she drifted away into a deep sleep.

Ten days later, Praveena returned to college, happy she had gotten what she wanted off the holiday, though it didn’t make her less miserable. With the start of college came back the assignments — harder than ever before — and the stares, the pointing, and the never ending whispering.

“They are the drug addict’s friends.”

“You think they do drugs as well?”

“Why didn’t the principal chase them from the college?”

Ten days had been enough for the matter to sink in; for them to speak with their parents and come back with emotions stronger than before.

“Oh, these drug addicts!” a girl whispered to herself as she walked away from Praveena and Anil. Praveena recognized the girl; she and her friends had gotten dead drunk, and been making a racket in the hostel the other day.

The comments followed them throughout college. From the class rooms to the bathrooms, every where people pointed them out. Every one spoke of them, even most of the teachers. Given their way, Anil and Praveena would’ve been expelled. They were irritated with the principal for not making the decision. All those teachers enjoyed fantasising, “if I had been the principal, blah blah blah…” Praveena ignored them, she knew — only too well — that they were barking dogs. Useless in action.

“Third year is the toughest year,” Anil complained to Praveena in a low voice. They were in class, trying to keep the conversation low and alive at the same time.

“That’s what we say every year,” Praveena whispered back, looking at the notes on the white board. For others’ eyes, it would have seemed like she was reading, but Anil knew better; Praveena was far from concentrating. And so was he.

They had got their results of the previous year’s final exams. Both Praveena and Anil had scraped a pass in all subjects with no arrears. They had heard and seen their seniors bragging about their arrears as if it were an achievement and then worrying about it during exams. Anil and Praveena had already promised themselves not to fall into that pit, and were glad they wouldn’t have to deal with it. Their celebration was punctured however, when their lecturer assigned them individual projects about psychological studies in various fields.

Praveena got Psychological Studies in Education’ and Anil got ‘Psychological Studies in Corporates’. They got busy.

Praveena realised her life moving on when one day, she looked around her room and saw there was only one cot in the centre of the room. There was no indication that there had been another person sharing the room. Praveena sighed and got into bed. She lay awake, looking at the ceiling fan. ‘life’s become too predictable,’ she mused as she turned over and fell asleep.

She knew what to expect when she awoke the next day: More assignments, submitting projects, distribution of marks, and more about studies on humans. Not just for the following day; that’s all she had to look forward to for another entire year.

Praveena wasn’t disappointed. The final year at college was full of busy assignments and revision exams. Teachers all pushed them hard, encouraging students to do the same. “A degree is a priceless asset.” They said. “Study hard now and you’ll be rewarded later.”

Impromptu pep talks popped up everywhere, even in the corridors, discouraging students to think about anything other than studies. Anil and Praveena studied. Everyday, they felt Niveda’s loss, but they also felt her presence. It was as if Niveda was there, with them — invisible — but sitting along with them while they prepared for the exams that — according to their teachers — ‘would change their lives.’

The End. Of Another Month

As November comes to a rainy close, at least here in Chennai, I’m proud of myself for dedicating a month-full of posts on this blog. Though it was just an edited chapter of my two-year old attempt at something of a novel, I’m happy with how things turned out.

But I’m still not done. I’ve published 26 chapters, but I have more on the way. So I’ve decided to take on another full month of publishing every day.

This month, however, instead of publishing a chapter everyday, I’ll alternate my chapters with random thoughts as well.

If you’ve been reading the novel in parts, let me know what you think. I’d love to hear how others felt reading whatever I wrote.

Thanks for stopping by today. It means so much to have you here. Have a nice day, you.

Chapter Twenty Six: Getting Along

“I’m amazed, Praveena.” It was James’ class on a Thursday evening. He had just appreciated one of her drawings in front of the whole class. She had forgotten she had cast her drawing inside her assignment essay, and James had happened to come across it. Praveena felt her face redden. She hadn’t expected this reaction from James.

She had drawn three stallions grazing a green meadow. She had thought of Niveda, Anil, and herself while drawing the picture. ‘Maybe that is why it looks so good’, she thought. Three stallions, away from civilization; away from the people who would hurt them. She had such strong feelings that it had reflected in her drawing, even without her realizing it.

When she took her seat, Anil whispered, “nice one.” She smiled. The two of them tried to act as if they had gotten over Niveda, when neither hadn’t. They did it for each other despite knowing it was obvious.

College went back to normal in a few days. For them, it was an excitement of a holiday and a day of supposed mourning. They all went back to their studies and examinations. The second year drew to a close, and students and teachers alike clamoured the corridors clarifying doubts and exchanging last minute notes.

Praveena, oblivious to all that, could neither concentrate on her subjects or sleep. Those days of youthful sleeplessness threatened to take her over again. She longed to speak to someone, she wanted the comfort Ms Marrie had given her. She wanted to hear herself speak the truth. That was the hard part; even though her mind knew Niveda would never come back to sit by her side laughing, her heart still clung to that thin rope of hope. Speaking the truth out loud would mean accepting the inevitable, and it would break her heart. She shuddered every time she thought of Niveda. She spent weekends in her room all alone, staring into space lost in her thoughts about Niveda.

Anil tried calling her, though she wouldn’t respond. Whenever she answered him, she’d put him off with some excuse or the other.

Anil grew worried and scared at her sinister behaviour. He told James about Praveena’s condition and James asked her to meet him.

“What’s happening Praveena? You seem unlike yourself, I hear,” they were in James’ room, and Praveena had her eyes cast down.

“I’m not myself anymore” she mumbled.

“Neither are we.”

Praveena looked up, surprised. James looked at her, with a look that meant what he had said.

“I’m not asking you to forget it, Praveena. Just learn to live with it.” Praveena looked confused.

“Accept the fact and go on with your life. It doesn’t stop for anyone.”

Even years afterward, Praveena would consider that as the best piece of advice she had ever received. Simple truth.

So Praveena tried to take the advice. She realised the difficulty in getting over a loss, but she tried. She attended the final exams, and left home for the term end holidays. She was looking forward to a few good solitary days.

Praveena was leaving Bangalore; she was going home, home to Chennai, and her lonely father. She was glad to get away from college. She needed a break, and she expected good couple of weeks. She had ten days of freedom; freedom from college, lecturers, pity stares, and assignments. She arrived at the Chennai Central Railway station with high hopes. And there he stood waiting, her father. Looking older than she remembered him, making her realize that even as she grew older, so did her father. It came as quite a shock; she hadn’t seen Kamal for nearly half a year, she had been too involved with Niveda and her treatment – ‘Okay, don’t go there!’ her inner voice interrupted sternly.

“Hi, Pa. How are you?” Drained of energy, she gave him a weak hug. Something in Kamal’s embrace comforted her more than anything had had in the past few months.

She hadn’t told Kamal of Niveda’s addiction and suicide. She had told him all about their friendship, but decided not to open up the sad part. She didn’t know if she could handle saying it out aloud. Now though, she knew she had to. She wondered how he would react. Kamal wasn’t the type of father who would shower his daughter with too much concern, but he would take it seriously. ‘Not Ma, though’ her inner voice reminded her. ‘Yes’ she silently agreed. Her mother would have taken it in a different manner. She would have offered suggestions to help Niveda. Her mother had been a good friend, a place Niveda took over. They were both great companionship. Except they were dead. Gone.

“Shall we?” Kamal stepped aside, gesturing Praveena to take the lead. She did. As Kamal drove the motorcycle, Praveena enjoyed the ride. It was early in the morning, the streets dust and smoke-free. As they drove past the tall buildings, Praveena felt the cold wintry breeze playing across her face, making her locks bounce in ecstasy. Praveena thought back to her first weekend in college, when she had stood facing the green valley, letting the wind kiss her face. She thought back to the day she and Niveda, along with Anil, had sat on the grass looking on, savoring a moment of bliss. Those were memories that wet her eyes.

When they reached home, Kamal turned to her, “what do you want for breakfast?” He became excited, clapping his hands and walking with a spring in his step.

“Anything, Pa” she shrugged, smiling. Kamal nodded and left for the kitchen, whistling her favourite song.

Praveena smiled to herself. She was happy that she had got to spend time with her father. She spoke to him over the phone quite a lot, but her physical presence meant a lot to Kamal, and Praveena knew that. ‘Pa, looks dull,’ her inner voice observed. ‘talk to him,’ it urged.

Praveena didn’t know what to say. Niveda was the only thing on her mind, and the guilt that she hadn’t told her father about almost being expelled.

She followed him to the kitchen.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 30

Chapter Twenty Five: Another Loss

Praveena shook with grief as Anil sat next to her, her hand in his and tears in his eyes. They sat alone in James’s room, as James, the matron, and the other teachers took care of the police investigation proceedings.

It was shocking, Niveda’s smiling face kept flashing in Praveena’s mind. She had spoken countless of times to the police inspectors and teachers about the previous night’s incidents. Every time she spoke, or even thought of it, she felt sorrow seeping through her veins poisoning her from within. She couldn’t cry anymore. It was as if her tears had all evaporated even before they were spilled. The last time she had felt so sad was when her mother had died. She silently wept within.

Anil was in a state of shock too. He hadn’t expected Niveda to lose herself. He had thought she would come out successful. After all, he had done it. They remained in James’s room, and after a while and James entered with a knock. Neither of them winced. James took his seat facing them.

“Why did this happen, Praveena?” James sounded sorrowful. Praveena looked up at him, her eyes heavy. She sniffed. “I didn’t notice. Again,” she broke off, unable to continue.

“It’s not your fault,” Anil said in a low voice.

“She was a good girl,” James kept blinking trying to block the tears that threatened to lose control.

“I’ll never be the same again,” It was the second time in her life Praveena had felt that way, but it was her first time voicing it. She did, but Anil and James didn’t.

Praveena hardly got any sleep in the following weeks. She felt loneliness surrounding her. Every time she tried to close her eyes, Niveda’s final look came back to haunt her. Each day the police discovered leads about Niveda’s suicide. According to the autopsy report, there were large quantities of drugs in Niveda. James broke the news to Anil and Praveena.

“It looks like she was never really out of it,” he shook his head in disbelief. Anil wore a crestfallen look and Praveena was too shocked to even say anything. She just sat dumbfounded as if everything that happened around her made no sense at all.

She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. She had made sure not to leave Niveda alone, what had made her inject herself again? Praveena didn’t know how she felt.

Niveda’s parents had come to school the day after she died. They seemed horrified at their daughter’s drug addiction, and her suicide.

They spoke to Praveena and Anil in private. Niveda’s parents blamed them for their daughter’s death. They said the couple of kids poisoned their daughter’s mind, got her addicted, and then killed her.

Praveena felt anger boiling up inside her. She tried hard to remain civilized, but couldn’t. She broke away from Anil’s clutches and walked up close to Niveda’s mother, who looked dressed up for a cocktail party, and pointed a menacing finger at her. “You,” she screamed, “you ruthless woman,” she breathed trying to stable herself, “you told Niveda to go to hell!” she shouted.

“You—you don’t deserve to be a mother.” She then turned to Niveda’s lean father who looked like a model for men’s suits, “and you don’t deserve to be a father either,” She made a spitting gesture at his feet and allowed herself to be taken away by Anil.

Niveda’s mother later reported to the police that she had been drunk when she spoke to Niveda and that was the reason for the exchange of harsh words. The text messages stood against her, but she escaped the cuffs, thanks to an expensive attorney.

When the college management heard of Niveda’s addiction, they were furious at Anil and Praveena. The principal himself spoke in favor of their expulsion.

Praveena didn’t even defend herself. She thought it better to go away from this wretched place, rather than stay in the same room thinking about Niveda every day. She had got special permission from the warden to stay in the same room alone. The warden hesitated at first, doubting that Praveena, in her sorrow, would follow in her friend’s footsteps. But at last she had given in to Praveena’s request.

James vouched for Anil and Praveena. He assured the management that they were not to blame.

“They knew of it, and didn’t report it! They spoiled the college name!” the principal had barked. James hadn’t flinched or reacted.

“It wasn’t their fault. You can’t do this.” James responded coldly. How could these people think only of the school’s reputation when a student had died in the campus? The duo didn’t know what else James had said, but they knew after that incident with James, the principal had avoided any encounter with him.

All around her, students recovered faster than she had expected. They remained sober for a couple of days, but then all of them got along with their own work. They threw pity looks at Praveena and Anil, which infuriated Praveena even more, but that was all they did. Praveena didn’t know what to expect from them either. They hadn’t known Niveda as much as her, but it was painful that Niveda had been secretive, even from her. She couldn’t get over it, and it affected her lessons.

Overcome with helplessness, Praveena started drawing. It happened in a whim, she hadn’t drawn anything much before, but every stroke she made on the paper helped her feel better. As the days went by, her drawings had more depth and meaning. Losing two of the closest people to her heart had changed her perception of life. She couldn’t believe she was the same girl who had been upset for someone who had given up on his passion—as if that was a part from another life.

Her drawings connected well to viewers, but she grew increasingly private. She hardly spoke to anyone except Anil. He too had problems of his own. It was as if Niveda had been the bridge that held the two poles together.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 28