Fine and solo

I hate it when people barge in on me while I’m trying to get some me-time. That’s why I’m always wary of approaching others who seem fine at being alone. It so happened while I was waltzing off on my own in Alki beach, I saw a gentleman standing by the shore observing the coming and going of the waves. He stood there for a while in silent rumination about things I’d never discern. In a vast emptiness that surrounded us, for he and I were the only ones on the beach, he seemed oblivious to my existence.

Although I felt an itching urge to engage this man in an animated conversation, I refrained. I stood afar and watched him as he picked up a few shells, scrutinised them, and dropped some of them back. I never saw him turn around.

one in the crowd

Perhaps he had a grandchild who loved seashells, I thought as I walked away.

Dear Diary…

Writing in a diary is precious, isn’t it? The first time I realised its beauty I was reading The Diary of Anne Frank. Born into a Jewish family in Hitler’s Germany, Anne maintained a diary during the few years she and her family were hiding from captivation. Her father, the only survivor of the concentration camp that wiped out the family, published her diary. To this day it remains a stunning reminder and a heart-wrenching portrayal of the life of a teenager in wartime.

It was the emotions and the ultimate simplicity of that diary that inspired me to start writing my own diary. Every day I’d record my thoughts, frustration, observations, and general musings. When I looked at the entries months afterwards, I noticed a lot of silly mistakes. But I also saw a lot of potential and my true self coming out of the diary. That’s how I understood so many aspects and characteristics of myself. It was so sincere and so flippant that I saw myself for the first time.

I loved what I discovered so much so that I incorporated diary entries as part of a story I wrote. I had a couple of chapters dedicated to diary entries of my main characters. And I felt the difference, too. I dug deep into the character to extract their innermost emotions, because the diary of a character speaks truer words about them than the character themselves. It’s so because diaries are for personal readership. Anyone who keeps a journal knows that no one would and should read it but themselves. That gives them immense confidence to be themselves and let their guard down.

I did. That’s why I managed to impress myself so. It’s the same of anyone else. Because we know it’s private, we allow ourselves to be real. We charade our true emotions and opinions in public for fear of people hating or misunderstanding them. While we project what we want to project to the world, a diary is where we take a break and project our actual thoughts.

During a particular rough time in my life, I was so self-pitying. No one else who met me would’ve known that at the time. I didn’t realise it myself—until months later I read what I’d written in my diary. It’s such a harsh way of telling yourself who you are and I think that’s a pretty powerful technique in storytelling.

I just started reading a book that’s made up of nothing but diary entries. I’ve only read about 50 pages but I already see the depth at which a journal characterises the person. I see two different personalities in the same journal entry—one when the character narrates what they did in public, and the second when the character writes down how they felt at that moment. There’s a lot of interesting juxtaposition and a beautiful arc of a story.

Although it’s so good so far, I wonder if it’d get boring as the story progresses. Too much of a good thing, perhaps? I can’t wait to find out.

The determinant

“You’ve been up all night?” Asked Andrew. “You don’t have to work so hard, you know.” Esther’s colleague had popped into her workspace with his chai latte. She didn’t reply right away. She was focussed on the micro organisms, and trying to discern a behavioural pattern.

“Well, it’s my job, Andrew.” She replied tearing her tired eyes from the microscope and rubbing them with her fingers. “But you’re right, I should get home. See what the kids are up to.”

“Damn straight I’m right.” Andrew bobbed his head raising his latte as a gesture to her.

“You’re a single mom, you don’t have to hustle so much. Why don’t you get your ex-husband to split finances with you? You’re raising the kids, and it’s only fair that he does his duty as father and man.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Esther raised her eyebrows at Andrew. She was tired, but not unstable. She knew what he hinted at.

“Well, it’s the man’s duty to bring home the money. You don’t have to.” He shrugged. Esther’s expression hardened. Andrew didn’t realise what he was saying.

“I’m a scientist, Andrew. I won’t compromise my duty just because I’m a woman.”

Start with you

Time and energy are our primary assets. How we use them defines the purpose of our lives. More often than not, however, we expend them on achieving matetrial goals like building a house or buying a car. Throughout our lives, we hustle and struggle to acquire things that we may never enjoy. People say a house is an investment. And so they allocate up to 25 years worth of their labour to paying off housing loans. Sure, it’s beneficial while calculating tax, but at the end of 25 years, when the house becomes theirs for real, it’s just another asset they pass on to the next generation.

My point—we invest so much of our time and energy on physical matters while we should be investing on our mental and spiritual health, instead. It’s what we do for ourselves that completes our existence. That’s what we should all be focussing on: ourselves. That’s not to say we should embrace a narcissistic personality, though. It’s, instead, prioritising our psychological needs engaging in activities that fill our heart with joy and soul with compassion. Unless I invest in my happiness, I wouldn’t feel content with my life.

That’s why we should never regret doing things for ourselves. It’s not only our right but also a duty to nourish our soul. Whether it’s rereading a favourite book, dining out with a close friend, or spending time with a family member, it’s important to do more of what makes us happy.

Only when we’re happy from within do we emit the same joyousness. When we’re satisfied with ourselves, we seek to share the same triumph with our surrounding. When we love ourselves, it transcends to others as well.

And that’s why I believe we shouldn’t ever apologise for starting with ourselves.