Tag: Fiction

Chapter Forty Two: A Friendly Day Out

Graduation day had ended with a blur of lights and a whiff of undetected alcohol from the boys’ hostels. Kamal left for Kerala early next day to catch up with his business meetings. Praveena, however, had one more day in Bangalore. She had planned to stay in the hostel on Sunday and board the night train back home.

She and Anil met their batch mates. They had all changed so much that Praveena couldn’t identify most of them. Everyone remembered her though; people don’t forget the best friend of the drug addict who slit her wrist in a hostel room. Half of the girls pursued higher studies, but already gotten engaged. They were to use the two years of post graduation to get to know their future husbands.

It surprised Praveena that they had all so easily given into marriage. Among these girls were a few who, she knew, planned about marriage life, even while they were at college. Praveena kept wondering why these girls limited their ambitions, why they rarely thought beyond marriage. The thought left her blank and blurry, before she decided to save the thought for later.

The morning progressed without much adventure, except giving Praveena a mind-full to ponder. Her schedule gave Anil enough time to spend time with her; he took her out for lunch hoping to cook up a proper conversation.

Praveena suggested The Green Leaf, and a silent car ride later, they sat in the same table as before.

Praveena’s mind felt strangely light. Convocation was over, she was now an official member of a society she didn’t understand.

She had been wondering what to do with her life, and all of a sudden, she realized she had been staring at her untouched meal. Anil broke into her thoughts.

“Hey! Eat!” he said shaking his head in disbelief.

“Huh?” Praveena started, “Hmm,” she managed as she began to eat.

“What’s up with you suddenly?” Anil looked suspiciously at her. He raised his eyebrows, and Praveena noticed how they curved beautifully over his eyes.

She sighed in reply to his questioning glare. As he held his look, she said, “I spoke to Pa.”

“About what?” Anil asked innocently not understanding what she said.

Praveena exasperatedly heaved a sigh. “About the plan we made,” she said. And when Anil continued to stare at her with puzzled eyes, she continued irritably, “about the organization for drug addiction recovery. Remember?” she added mockingly.

Anil had to hide his laughter. Praveena threw him a stern look like an annoyed teacher glaring at a mischievous child.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” he tried to sound apologetic, unsure of the effect. However, Praveena said nothing more. She just nodded, lost in her thoughts.

“Hmm,” Anil dragged. He rubbed his chin, wondering what to say. “What exactly did your father say?”

“He told me not to do it. Said it was a bad idea.” Praveena said flatly.

Anil thought. “What do you want to do?” he demanded.

Praveena had been asking herself the same question. “I want to do this.” She said with an air of certainty. She would do it for sure. Someday.

“Then, lets do it.” Anil said simply. He didn’t understand, and Praveena wasn’t sure he would, even if she explained it to him. She leaned back on her chair signing. Anil looked at her for a response. “I can’t go against Pa.” She said dully. “I can’t hurt him. He’s already had a lot of troubles.”

Anil looked at her in confusion. “So, what have you decided to do?” he asked rubbing his forehead.

Praveena looked into his eyes impassively. “I haven’t decided anything.”

Anil, locking his hands, rested against his chin, looking at Praveena with a tiny smile on his lips. He said nothing for a while. He just watched as Praveena struggled within herself to discover what she wanted to do next.

Ten minutes later, they paid for a meal they hadn’t enjoyed and left for the hostel. Praveena had a train to catch.

Praveena comfortably settled in her seat on the train. Anil had come to the railway station to see her off. “When will I see you again?” he had asked, with a touch of sadness that Praveena hadn’t noticed before. “Soon,” she smiled, adding, “hopefully” with raised eyebrows.

Anil smiled as he waved goodbye. The train began to gain momentum and Praveena soon lost sight of Anil and his raised hand.

She leaned back in her seat, enjoying the drizzle that gently splashed on her face. She smiled. She had always enjoyed the rain. She loved the cold water running down her face, washing away all uncertainties and fears.

‘Speaking of uncertainties,’ he inner voice began, but Praveena was so used to shutting it out by now that she did it with ease. She knew she had to make a decision. Soon. She knew what she wanted, but getting it was the problem.

Could time fix problems? She wondered. ‘Perhaps,’ her inner voice piped in. Praveena turned to stare at the speeding trees through the window. Time meant that she would get older, but so would her father. Kamal hadn’t agreed now, and she wasn’t sure he would agree he got older. ‘But it’s worth a try.’ Her inner voice made a point. ‘Maybe it’s better to put things to rest,’ she thought. ‘Give Pa some time to think and reflect on the idea’. That could work out.

She smiled to herself as the thought lifted her mood.

Chapter Thirty Seven: Diary Days

Dear Diary,

Why am I so annoyed? I can’t believe Pa. What has gotten into him? Wonder why he’s acting so like other people. It worries me, why is he suddenly just another common father? It’s keeping me awake all night, and I am not liking it.

What’s wrong with wanting to help people? Why does Pa suddenly hate people addicted to drugs? I wish I knew. And why is he conforming to pressure? I know for a fact that Aunt Kameela tried her best to convince Pa that I am a freak, but it seems to me like he has given in to those foolhardy thoughts. He’s worried about my marriage all of a sudden. Does he want me out of his hands? It’s so obvious that he thinks following my interest and starting a help group would be a huge barrier for my marriage. But I don’t care about it; why does he then?

I know, I know. He’s a father and he has his responsibilities. But why should he force his duties on me when I don’t even feel like bearing them?

This is insane. Pa cannot be so weak as to give up on his principles just because society doesn’t agree with it.

Why doesn’t he live by his beliefs, strong, and uninfluenced by explicit forces?

Diary, why do I get the feeling that Pa has become different now? He’s not the same person who told me to take my own decisions in life. He’s changed and wants me to follow in his wake. And I don’t want to.

I can’t hurt him by telling him he’s acting foolish. But that’s exactly what he is doing. I want him to believe in his own decisions.

He has begun to doubt that the freedom he gave me was a big mistake. I should show him that it is not so. But if I should do that, I have no choice but to get married. And even if I said ok, he would want me to marry Prem, because Aunt Kameela was the first one to suggest this whole marriage thing. And I will ever hate her for contaminating Pa’s mind. I can’t describe the hatred that ebbs through my veins even as I write this.

Pa is in an internal crisis just like I am. I understand that, but he doesn’t. Worst thing is, he thinks talking about it would hurt me. And I don’t want to hurt him either. It’s such a pointy knife and I don’t know which side I’m pointing at Pa. It scares me.

I so badly wish I had a clear view of things. I want to help Pa clear his conscience but I can’t figure out how. That’s bad. I know, I need sleep.

Talk later.

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how to explain it to Praveena, so I chose you instead. I love her more than anything, and I don’t know how to tell her that without feeling stupid.

Kameela was so annoyed. She chided me for not raising Praveena well, she told me I had given her stupid fancies and that I have encouraged her to question elders. I didn’t know that questioning adults was such a bad thing, I mean, we did it; Geetha and I. We rebelled against our families to get married. We tried explaining, and when they didn’t listen, we questioned their authority. And until recently, I believed Praveena had the right to do the same. I allowed her to do what she wanted in her life. That’s her right, right?

Kameela disagrees. I don’t care much about her, but my mother called the other day. She hadn’t spoken to me since Geetha and I got married. I was shocked when she called. And I didn’t like what she told me.

She told me I had destroyed Praveena’s life, just like I had destroyed Geetha’s. I was shocked. I didn’t destroy Geetha’s life; we were happy together. But she told me of I don’t controll Praveena, she would grow to question me someday. That’s when it stuck me.

I don’t mind her choosing her own path in life, it’s what others will name her. My mother thinks she’s out of control. My sister-in-law thinks she’s out of control. These are people who don’t even know her. What would the society speak of Praveena if she begins a drug addicts help centre? They would blame her, they would despise her. And I can’t see my daughter cowering in shame. What if she asks me why I hadn’t warned her earlier? How will I handle that?

I’m her father, I should have the responsibility to stop her when she’s on the wrong path.

But what pains me most is that I’m denying her the pleasure of doing something good. She is not doing the wrong thing; she only wants to do something that people would interpret wrongly. I am only worried for her future.

Geetha and I have long lived away from family and the prying eyes of society. I am worried that Praveena would go the same path. She is about to defy our family and friends. And if I stand by and watch, I’m thrusting her into the same future Geetha and I faced. And I don’t think she can take it.

But I can’t tell her that. She would argue, just as we did. And she would be right. But I have a feeling she would later regret her decisions; when she wants family she’d have no one. After all, we did it. But Geetha and I had each other and we didn’t regret because were happy together. But Praveena would be alone. If all fails, she would have no one but me. And our family — I hate every one of them, yes — will blame me for ruining a girl’s life, again. I just hope Praveena understands without hating me.
I’ve lost sleep.

Goodnight.

Chapter Thirty Five: A Proposition

Praveena woke up in high spirits. When she looked out the window, she noticed the bright blue sky, dotted with mild grey clouds. She smiled to herself as the wind brushed against her face.

She got ready for what she anticipated a tiring, yet rewarding day. Kamal was already at the dining table and he didn’t miss the skip in her step.

“You seem happy,” he observed as they sat for breakfast. He had made her favourite breakfast of traditional dosas and chutney.

“Hmm,” she responded her mouth full. She hadn’t expected such a treat. Her father specialized in every type of food that she loved and each day, Praveena ate extra-well, making up for all the pounds she lost in college. “Pa, this is so delicious!” she exclaimed holding up a piece of the dosa dipped in hot chilli chutney and smacking her lips.

Kamal smiled at her. Somehow, Praveena noticed he looked much bleaker than usual. His eyes had lost their colour, his skin had begun to sport wrinkles and he seemed a little moody as well. “What’s happened, Pa?” she queried, putting down the piece she had just raised to her mouth. Now that she properly looked at him, she realized that his forehead was wrinkled as if either tensed or worried. Praveena chided herself for not spending more time with her father. Ever since she had returned, he had somehow distanced himself from her and had become busy with work.

As Praveena looked at him expecting him to speak, Kamal shook his head. “Nothing,” he said continuing with his breakfast. “Eat.” he added catching her still staring at him.

Praveena felt the battle wage within her. Was it the right time for a discussion? ‘Perhaps not,’ her inner voice helped her decide. She heeded the advice, surprising herself.

Once Kamal had left for work, Praveena spent the whole of the day contemplating on how to tell her father about her plans to organize a self help group. It seemed like a good idea to her, but she also wanted to hear her father’s take on it. She knew he would have another perspective, and hoped he’d help get started with all the work. ‘This is going to good!’ she could hear her inner voice jumping in delight.

She spent the rest of the day reading, and despite her efforts to concentrate, her mind made plans all the while.

When Kamal returned that evening, she greeted him at the door as usual. He dragged himself through the doorway and slumped on the couch, worrying Praveena.

“Pa?” she spoke uncertainly.

Kamal heaved a sigh. “Hmm?” Seeing the look of concern on Praveena’s face, “Just another long day,” he sighed. Praveena smiled and went into the kitchen.

She handed him a glass of ice water and sat next to him on the couch. Kamal drank, and reached out to place the glass on the table in front of the couch. “That’s better,” he said as he made to get up. “So, what do you want for dinner?” he asked.

“Why don’t you go wash up?” Praveena suggested smiling. “I’ll take care of dinner.”

Kamal smiled crookedly, raising his eyebrows. He said nothing though. Smiling, he nodded and left.

Twenty minutes later, Praveena sat at the table with her father to taste the dinner she had prepared. Kamal watched in silent surprise, as she served him hot chappatis and gravy. She sat next to him and helped herself.

They ate in silence, but Praveena’s mind screamed for feedback. For some reason, she felt the meal had a great flavour. Maybe love was the secret ingredient, she appreciated herself. ‘Or maybe, it’s because you want to flatter your father,’ her inner voice spoke the fact, annoying Praveena.

“How’s is it, Pa?” she asked.

Kamal looked into her eyes, unflinching. “Well,” he said smiling, “it’s actually good — for a bribe.” He smiled broadly now. Praveena bit her lip, looking sheepish. Kamal laughed, loud and hearty.

“What is it? You’re in love with someone and you want my permission?” he almost snorted, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

“No!” Praveena exclaimed defensively, making a little frown replace Kamal’s smile.

“What is it then?” he asked more serious.

“Well,” Praveena hesitated. Kamal looked into her eyes and she felt a slight chill at the back of her spine.

“I — er — we — that is, Anil and I — thought of starting a self help group. For drug addicts.” Even as she spoke, she could see Kamal’s expression changing. He didn’t look inviting anymore. Praveena waited, expecting her father to say something, but he didn’t. She had expected him to be excited and encourage her to carry out her plan, but his look suggested otherwise. “So…” she dragged, trying to make her father speak. But as he remained silent, “wha’d’you think?” she blurted out.

Kamal rested his cheek on his hand and took a deep sigh. The silence rang in Praveena’s ears. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Kamal said at last.

Praveena was crestfallen. “Why not, Pa?” she pleaded.

“Well…” Kamal stumbled. He didn’t know how to say it. “It’s dangerous,” he managed weakly. And when Praveena looked at him incredulously, “I don’t want you associating with anymore drug addicts!” he replied with a hint of annoyance.

Praveena couldn’t digest his tone of finality. She sat stunned at what her father had said. “anymore” he had said. Her insides squirmed.

Kamal hadn’t waited for a reaction though. He rose and cleared the table as Praveena sat with her father’s words ringing in her ears.

Praveena didn’t know what to make of her father’s queer behaviour. She had never seen him act so rude, to her in particular. She stared at him in disbelief as he did the dishes, left the dining room, without even a “good night.”