Tag: friends

Chapter Forty Two: A Friendly Day Out

Graduation day had ended with a blur of lights and a whiff of undetected alcohol from the boys’ hostels. Kamal left for Kerala early next day to catch up with his business meetings. Praveena, however, had one more day in Bangalore. She had planned to stay in the hostel on Sunday and board the night train back home.

She and Anil met their batch mates. They had all changed so much that Praveena couldn’t identify most of them. Everyone remembered her though; people don’t forget the best friend of the drug addict who slit her wrist in a hostel room. Half of the girls pursued higher studies, but already gotten engaged. They were to use the two years of post graduation to get to know their future husbands.

It surprised Praveena that they had all so easily given into marriage. Among these girls were a few who, she knew, planned about marriage life, even while they were at college. Praveena kept wondering why these girls limited their ambitions, why they rarely thought beyond marriage. The thought left her blank and blurry, before she decided to save the thought for later.

The morning progressed without much adventure, except giving Praveena a mind-full to ponder. Her schedule gave Anil enough time to spend time with her; he took her out for lunch hoping to cook up a proper conversation.

Praveena suggested The Green Leaf, and a silent car ride later, they sat in the same table as before.

Praveena’s mind felt strangely light. Convocation was over, she was now an official member of a society she didn’t understand.

She had been wondering what to do with her life, and all of a sudden, she realized she had been staring at her untouched meal. Anil broke into her thoughts.

“Hey! Eat!” he said shaking his head in disbelief.

“Huh?” Praveena started, “Hmm,” she managed as she began to eat.

“What’s up with you suddenly?” Anil looked suspiciously at her. He raised his eyebrows, and Praveena noticed how they curved beautifully over his eyes.

She sighed in reply to his questioning glare. As he held his look, she said, “I spoke to Pa.”

“About what?” Anil asked innocently not understanding what she said.

Praveena exasperatedly heaved a sigh. “About the plan we made,” she said. And when Anil continued to stare at her with puzzled eyes, she continued irritably, “about the organization for drug addiction recovery. Remember?” she added mockingly.

Anil had to hide his laughter. Praveena threw him a stern look like an annoyed teacher glaring at a mischievous child.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” he tried to sound apologetic, unsure of the effect. However, Praveena said nothing more. She just nodded, lost in her thoughts.

“Hmm,” Anil dragged. He rubbed his chin, wondering what to say. “What exactly did your father say?”

“He told me not to do it. Said it was a bad idea.” Praveena said flatly.

Anil thought. “What do you want to do?” he demanded.

Praveena had been asking herself the same question. “I want to do this.” She said with an air of certainty. She would do it for sure. Someday.

“Then, lets do it.” Anil said simply. He didn’t understand, and Praveena wasn’t sure he would, even if she explained it to him. She leaned back on her chair signing. Anil looked at her for a response. “I can’t go against Pa.” She said dully. “I can’t hurt him. He’s already had a lot of troubles.”

Anil looked at her in confusion. “So, what have you decided to do?” he asked rubbing his forehead.

Praveena looked into his eyes impassively. “I haven’t decided anything.”

Anil, locking his hands, rested against his chin, looking at Praveena with a tiny smile on his lips. He said nothing for a while. He just watched as Praveena struggled within herself to discover what she wanted to do next.

Ten minutes later, they paid for a meal they hadn’t enjoyed and left for the hostel. Praveena had a train to catch.

Praveena comfortably settled in her seat on the train. Anil had come to the railway station to see her off. “When will I see you again?” he had asked, with a touch of sadness that Praveena hadn’t noticed before. “Soon,” she smiled, adding, “hopefully” with raised eyebrows.

Anil smiled as he waved goodbye. The train began to gain momentum and Praveena soon lost sight of Anil and his raised hand.

She leaned back in her seat, enjoying the drizzle that gently splashed on her face. She smiled. She had always enjoyed the rain. She loved the cold water running down her face, washing away all uncertainties and fears.

‘Speaking of uncertainties,’ he inner voice began, but Praveena was so used to shutting it out by now that she did it with ease. She knew she had to make a decision. Soon. She knew what she wanted, but getting it was the problem.

Could time fix problems? She wondered. ‘Perhaps,’ her inner voice piped in. Praveena turned to stare at the speeding trees through the window. Time meant that she would get older, but so would her father. Kamal hadn’t agreed now, and she wasn’t sure he would agree he got older. ‘But it’s worth a try.’ Her inner voice made a point. ‘Maybe it’s better to put things to rest,’ she thought. ‘Give Pa some time to think and reflect on the idea’. That could work out.

She smiled to herself as the thought lifted her mood.

Chapter Forty One: Freedom

Graduation day. It would be the first and last of its kind in her life, Praveena waking up early on Saturday morning. She lay on the cozy bed stretching. Her phone rang, and she let out a wide yawn before answering it.

“Hey,” Anil’s voice rang out enthusiastically. Praveena looked at the huge wall clock that hung above the full-size mirror. It was five minutes past seven o’clock.

“Hi,” she yawning again. “It’s only seven!” she complained.

“Get up, you lazy bones!” he laughed. “It’s the official independence day!” he said gleefully.

“So?” Praveena asked mockingly. She sat up cracking her knuckles balancing her phone between her shoulder and ear.

“Please get ready soon,” Anil pleaded. “I’m bored” he added.

She sighed. “Alright,” she glumly got off the inviting bed. “Give me fifteen minutes, I’ll meet you outside.” She yawned.

“Ok,” Anil replied happily and disconnected the call.

Praveena stood in the centre of the room, as she had done countless times before, and suddenly felt an impulse to call out to Niveda. She thought of those instances when she had called out to wake a sleeping Niveda. She looked at the empty bed next to her, and pictured the image embossed in her mind; Niveda’s lifeless body lying face down.

She sighed. The temptation to weep was overwhelming. Instead, she turned towards the bathroom, she had to learn to put those things in the past.

This time, Anil was determined to take Praveena to a restaurant she had never been to. They walked to a small hotel about five minutes away.

It was a small shack with a thatched roof and filled with the appetizing smell of hot chic peas gravy.

“Hmm,” Praveena sniffed the scent like a child sniffing her mother’s special recipe. “It smells good.” She appreciated.

Anil beamed and they ate heartily.

By mid morning, they were back at the college, walking around the large grounds. Praveena hardly said anything and even though Anil tried multiple times to initiate a conversation, he couldn’t. The most she replied to any of his false starters was with a single “Yeah.”

Disheartened after a few minutes, he stopped speaking and began to savour the rustling of the leaves that broke the silence between them.

Praveena’s thoughts had drifted to her father. He had called her in the morning to say he would arrive in Bangalore late in the afternoon, a couple of hours before the convocation ceremony. He had spoken to her normally — just as he used to, before he put his foot down at Praveena’s plan. He had sounded neither apologetic nor annoyed, but Praveena could sense a certain disconnectedness she couldn’t decipher. She hadn’t told Anil about her father’s reaction yet, but planned to tell him that night after the graduation ceremony.

Praveena sat in the second row with her father, Anil, and his mother. It was the first time Praveena had met the old, lean, and bespectacled Anil’s mother. She had worn a printed light blue sari and looked stiff as if she had just retired from the military and hadn’t adopted civilian life yet. She had shook Praveena’s hand curtly with a severe expression on her face. From where she had stood introducing herself to his mother, Praveena saw Anil and her father, a short distance away exchanging a similar interaction.

She smiled to herself as she thought of Anil’s horrified expression. As the principal got on to the stage, Praveena adopted a more solemn expression. She didn’t want him thinking that she had made a laughing matter of this graduation. ‘He wouldn’t be wrong though.’ Praveena shut her inner voice down.

The principal, wearing a yellow robe too large for him, began his address. Every time he lifted his hands in a welcoming gesture, his robe would dangle off his arms making it tough for Praveena to stifle her laughter. She stole a look at Anil who had a laughing battle on his own. She quickly turned back to face the stage.

The principal spoke of leadership and the importance of higher studies. He went a step further to mention of the role of marriage in everyone’s life. He said he was glad to hear a lot of the students had gotten engaged. “Marriage,” he said loftily “teaches you values of life that even college doesn’t.” Praveena’s mind had already drifted. She saw the principal’s face contorted in concentration as he made a brave attempt to deliver his memorized speech without a hitch.

Kamal listened intently, and next to him, Praveena could see Anil with his face resting on his hand. She smiled to herself as she thought back to their boring days in college, when he had slept in class in the same position without anyone noticing. She was surprised that even after such a long time, he managed to pull it off without being detected — not even by his military-grade mother.

The principal spoke for about another twenty minutes. Praveena watched him speak without listening. When all of a sudden, everyone around her applauded, she sleepily realized the principal had succeeded — he had narrated without forgetting his speech.

Her father turned to face her admiringly, “That was a wonderful speech!” Praveena smiled but said nothing. In her three years of college life, she had heard countless speeches like that one. She had been inspired too the first time, but as it continued, she noticed he was more interested in saying something rather than what he said.

A lecturer had grabbed the microphone now. He congratulated the students for making it ‘this far’ in life and wished them all the best for the future. Once that was done, he called the names of the graduating students in alphabetical order. One by one, Praveena saw as her batch mates went over to the principal – who wore a fixed smile – and collected their certifications. She glared in disbelief as they all smiled and posed for cameras flashing from all sides.

Anil went before her and she saw him step up to the principal awkwardly. He grew nervous at gatherings, she knew. She glanced at Anil’s mother when he collected his certification, and was surprised to see her wiping tears away, fumbling frantically with the camera aimed at her son.

When her turn came, Praveena felt a sudden rush of sadness. She had always imagined her graduation with Anil and Niveda standing beside her. She collected her certificate with a sinking heart. ‘Niveda should have been here.’ Her inner voice said in a low voice. For some odd reason, Praveena’s heart felt lighter as she imagined Niveda’s warm hand pressing over hers, comforting her. Everything would come to pass.

Chapter Forty: A Reunion

As the old and familiar college building loomed near, an undeniable sense of nostalgia cam over Praveena. She turned to look at Anil on the driver’s seat. He looked tense, concentrating on parking the car safely. He looked impassive, but Praveena knew that he too had run through their three years of college life in his head.

Once Anil had parked the car under a huge tree that bore his favourite yellow flowers, they got down, Praveena staring at the hauntingly unwelcome girls’ hostel building. They went over to the clerk who stood at the entrance, making note of all the students who would stay in the hostels. The current batch had left for the semester holidays, and the college appeared deprived of rushing sounds of hurried feet. Here and there stood old students in groups with parents and friends alike, chatting and catching up. With a lot of new faces, the whole crowd seemed a blur of unrecognizable colours.

Anil gave both of their names to the clerk. Once the process was done, Anil left for the boys’ hostel while Praveena headed over to the girls’. They had agreed to meet at the entrance in fifteen minutes. Walking towards the hostel Praveena had to cross the open valley facing the building. She thought back to the countless occasions she had sat on the lush grass enjoying the breeze with Anil and Niveda. She shuddered for a moment as the cold breeze ruffled her loosely tied hair.

The room she had shared with Niveda seemed so different to Praveena now. The beds were there, and so was the full-sized mirror facing the beds. But that was all that remained same of Praveena’s room. The walls she and Niveda had left plain were now taken over by posters, posters – Praveena realized painfully – of gods and – she slapped her forehead hard – child celebrities.

She looked around the room in despair. Her room – their room — had been contaminated. She didn’t want to stay here. It would pollute the unforgettable memories she had shared in that same room with Niveda.

She turned to leave. She would ask the warden for a change of room. But just as she turned towards the door, a powerful whiff of scent caught her unawares. She froze in mid-step. She knew that smell only too well. She turned, and on the dressing table was a can of talcum powder – the same brand Niveda had used.

Praveena didn’t know how she had caught the scent. It hadn’t been in the air when she came into the room, that she was sure of. ‘Then how did it suddenly spread?’ Praveena felt a chill in her spine. She had an inescapable feeling that Niveda was there, in the room, with her. Praveena wasn’t scared, but she didn’t believe in ghosts either.

She could however, sense Niveda. She had stayed in the same room for a year and a half after Niveda had committed suicide next to her bed, but it was the first time Praveena had felt like this; the feeling that her’s was not the only breathing. She stood there, unmoving, and not knowing why, but she waited. Praveena half expected Niveda’s form to materialize in front of her. Nothing happened for a while, until, Praveena’s phone rang, shattering the silence in the room.

She answered with fumbling fingers, “Hello?” she meant to be tentative and was surprised to hear it irritable.

“Hey!” Anil shouted from the other end. “Where are you? I’m waiting,” he said annoyed.

Praveena shook herself mentally, “Huh? Yeah, I’m coming.” she made to leave the room. As she shut the door behind her, she still felt the silence reverberating within the room. She signed, and turned towards the college building, wiping tears off her eyes.

“Where were you?” Anil exclaimed as she walked up to him. “What happened?” he added concerned as she reached his side. Praveena shook her head in response and Anil spoke of it no more. Together, they walked towards the parked Mercedes.

“Any plans?” Praveena asked Anil, her hand caressing the handle of the car.

“Yeah,” Anil said looking disconcerted. “Breakfast,” he smiled as she looked at him questioningly. Now that he had mentioned it, Praveena felt so hungry it surprised her how she hadn’t noticed it earlier.

She wondered if she should tell Anil about what had happened in the room, but decided against it. ‘It’s not a good time,’ her inner voice agreed with her. ‘He’d think you had gone mad with hunger.’

Anil had already gotten into the car and gestured her to follow suit. She got in silently, her stomach rumbling. She watched in silence as Anil manoeuvred the car from the parking spot and drove away from the college into the busy thronging town of Bangalore.

“You know,” she spoke after awhile, “for a moment there, I thought you’d suggest eating in the college canteen.” she smiled relieved.

Anil laughed, taking her by surprise. “Actually, they did plan it,” he said laughing harder at Praveena’s look of wide-eyed horror. “But we told them to spare the trouble,” he finished, still smiling.

Praveena shook her head. “So, where are we headed?” she asked impatiently. Neatly laid streets and rich cars did nothing to divert Praveena’s attention away from her growling stomach.

After what seemed like thirty minutes, Anil pulled by by a huge restaurant. Getting down he said, “You haven’t been here, have you? Great food.” nodding his appreciation. Praveena looked at the big board that hung over the restaurant. The Green Leaf. She rubbed her forehead exasperatedly, but said nothing.

The restaurant was packed, and looked just like the one in Chennai, Praveena realized. They took the table in the farthest corner.

Once they had ordered, Anil leaned over to her and asked, “Shall I order a juice? It’ll be good,” he tempted her with a wink. Praveena shook her head, smiling. “In fact Anil, it’s the Chennai Green Leaf that specializes in juices. Here, it’s the local Kannada cuisine.” she said smiling mockingly.

“Oh well,” Anil shrugged his admiration.

Chapter Thirty Nine: A Friend Calls

‘So,’ Praveena said to herself. She went back to the conversation she had had with Ms Marrie the previous morning. She sat in the couch with a book she hadn’t opened at all. ‘Pa doesn’t want me to start a self help group because he’s afraid I’d fail.’ She sighed, nodding to herself.

‘That’s so unlike him,’ her inner voice observed. Praveena agreed. It was unlike her father. He never cared about winning; he only considered participation. She recalled her numerous failed attempts at sports. He had always said, “Just get involved. That’s more satisfactory than winning itself.” Then why did he become contradictory all of a sudden? Praveena couldn’t discern her father.

She stared at the cover of the book in her hand without really seeing it, when her mobile phone rang,  cutting through the silence and shaking her off her reverie.

She picked up. Anil. An unenthusiastic smile came across her lips.

“Hey,” she answered dully.

“Hey, Hi!” he exclaimed excitedly. “All set?” Praveena could imagine him bouncing off his feet as he spoke. It had been a long time since she had heard him this enthusiastic.

“Nope,” she heaved a sigh. “I couldn’t convince Pa. He doesn’t like the idea,” she shook her head, forgetting he couldn’t see her.

There was surprised silence from the other side before Anil laughed, “What are you talking about?” he asked incredulously.

Praveena was taken aback by his response. “What are you talking about?” she asked leaning on the couch get get more comfortable.

“The convocation of course!” he said happily, “What were you talking about?” he asked a little doubtful.

Praveena slapped her hand on her forehead before saying, “Nothing, I’ll tell you later.” Rubbing her forehead vigorously, she continued in surprise, “So, the convocation. Have they announced the date yet?” She made a mental note never to hit herself on the forehead again. It was painful punishment.

“Do you ever,” Anil asked exasperatedly, “check your mails?”
Praveena smiled to herself, “never,” she said. “So, when is it?” she asked quickly.

Anil heaved a tired sigh, “It’s this Saturday. You planning to show up?” he added sarcastically.

Praveena slouched her shoulders lazily. “Saturday…” she went through her mind-calendar and realised she had no plans at all. “Ya,” she said nodding, “I might be there.”

“Great!” Anil exclaimed happily. “Try to reach on Friday itself. Let’s catch up,” he said hopefully.

“Sure,” Praveena replied enthusiastically. And all of a sudden, she felt excited to visit her college, as a senior. Four days more, she thought gleefully. This would be good, she decided pushing the thought of a self group to the back of her head.

That night, Praveena told her father about the convocation. He, like Anil, chided her for not being aware of it earlier. He had planned to make an important business visit to Kerala the next day.

Since Praveena wanted to reach Bangalore beforehand, he suggested she leave Thursday evening, and he would meet her in Bangalore on Saturday.

With all her hasty plans made, Praveena prepared herself for the graduation ceremony. At the end of Saturday, she would officially become a psychology graduate. She would no longer be a student. She knew people expected her to take responsibilities and act more womanly. She laughed at the idea in private. She couldn’t imagine herself as a proper woman, getting ready to raise a family. After the convocation, her aunt Kameela and the family members would put more pressure on her and Kamal.

‘It’s no use worrying about what would make you miserable,’ Heeding her inner voice’s advice, she took a deep sign, rolled over, and fell asleep.

As Praveena got off from the train on Friday morning, she saw Anil grinning ear to ear. He wore a blue denim and had folded the sleeves of his black shirt half way through — just the way she liked it.

She grinned back walking towards him.

“I didn’t expect you here,” she said surprised.

Anil shrugged, “Well,” he smiled slightly, “I figured you might like some early morning company,” he added as they walked out of the station.

“Great,” Praveena replied brusquely. “Now,” she said with an air of authority, “Did you find a good hotel for me to stay?” She raised her eyebrows, with a mocking smile.

“Hotel?” Anil exclaimed shaking his head. He had stopped walking and faced Praveena with his hands on his hips. “Honestly!” he said exasperatedly, “Didn’t you check your mail, even after I told you?” he shook his head in disapproval. Praveena noticed his dark eyes glinting in the morning sunlight.

“Well,” Praveena reasoned, “I thought, since you had already told me, I wouldn’t need to check them.” She raised her eyebrows challenging him.

“’Students and their families can stay in the college hostels’,” he quoted the e-mail in a high-pitched voice. Praveena nodded quietly. She knew whatever she says would only provoke Anil to prove her wrong. Smiling to herself, she walked beside him. It had been long since they had spoken so freely. The last year – after Niveda’s death – at college had dried out their friendship.

All around Praveena, people carried huge bags in one hand and pulled their kids along on the other hand. Seeing their tired faces, Praveena smiled in disbelief. People travel for all sorts of reasons, she mused. There are the people who look troubled and travel purposefully to solve their problems. Then there are the other people who travel just for the joy of it. Though what joy they could find in traveling in these back-breaking conditions, Praveena didn’t understand.

She walked passed a woman holding her daughter’s hand and rushing towards the train that had started moving slowly. The little girl looked no more that ten years old. The mother carried a large travelling bag on the other hand. Something told Praveena they were going to a temple to fulfil a sacrifice the mother had promised. She guessed the little girl was about to lose her luscious locks of waist length hair.

Shaking her head at the evident stupidity of these people, Praveena followed Anil to the black Mercedes Benz.

“It’s a friend’s” Anil told her knowingly, as she stared open-mouthed at the shiny beast.

Chapter Thirty Six: A Lost Battle

Praveena hardly slept that night. Her heart felt heavy; a pain she could neither understand nor relieve herself of. She lay back on her bed, staring at the clean ceiling fan.

‘What’s the problem with Pa?’ her inner voice asked, indignant, ‘how could he behave like that?’ Rage pulsed in her veins, but at the same time, she felt sad her father had been so rash with her. In all these years, he had always been the tolerant and ever-supportive father other people envied. And that made it all the more difficult for Praveena to accept his sudden change.

She wondered about her plan. It wasn’t a bad one as far as she could think. In fact, she told herself, it was a good decision; a way of helping others. Why then, didn’t her father want her to proceed? It confused her, and her inner mind offered an explanation: ‘“I don’t want you associating with anymore drug addicts.” Maybe he was worried about your future’.

‘Perhaps,’ Praveena agreed, ‘but that’s no reason to say something like that’ she thought bitterly. She was disappointed with her father’s untimely change. She planned to confront him again the next day. She was determined to carry out her plans, and she would do it with her father’s consent.

When Praveena came down for breakfast the next day, her father sat in the couch, waiting. He was ready for work and was reading a local magazine, when he noted Praveena looked at him from the foot of the staircase. He smiled at her, it was a broad and friendly smile; the usual smile he always greeted her with.

“Hey, good morning!” he said as Praveena still stood staring at him. “I’ve got to go a little early today. Eat, and be safe. I’ll see you in the evening.” he said hurriedly, collecting his bag and motorcycle keys. “Bye darling,” he added as he made to shut the door behind him.

“Bye, Pa.” The door swung shut even before Praveena had finished her goodbye. She sat on the final stair and sighed. ‘That was odd,’ her inner voice observed. ‘looks like he avoided you.’

Praveena couldn’t think of it that way, but she knew her inner voice had a point. Kamal had acted like the last night’s events hadn’t happened at all. But the way he did it made Praveena suspect he was avoiding confrontation purposefully.

She sat there for a few minutes, mulling over her father’s peculiar behaviour until her stomach growled. Doubting if there would be any breakfast at all, Praveena went over to the dining room to find bread and peanut butter sandwiches by the toaster on the table. Surprised by her father’s unconditional love for her, she made toast, and appreciated the bread after a long time.

That evening, Kamal arrived later than usual. When he pushed the doorknob inward and entered the threshold, he saw Praveena sleeping on the couch an open book lying over her face. He tiptoed up to her, and took the book away from her face.

Sensing sudden movement, Praveena awoke with a jolt. “Oh,” she exclaimed breathlessly. “Pa! You’re back.” she said as she sat up to regain her breath. Kamal placed the book on the table and sat next to her on the couch.

“Did you have something for dinner?” he inquired in a softly curious voice.

Praveena shook her head. “I made dinner,” she yawned. “go freshen up, we’ll eat.”

Kamal obeyed without protest. They sat for dinner and Praveena filled her father’s plate. They ate in silence. Praveena expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, she spoke. “Thanks, Pa.” she said. Judging by his look, Praveena could tell she had confused him.
“What for?” he asked surprised.

“For the sandwiches this morning” Praveena replied. Kamal nodded in acknowledgment, but said nothing.

“Pa?”

Kamal looked up from his plate.

“Pa – about the organiza – ” Praveena began slowly, but Kamal overrode her.

“My word is final, Praveena. Your fancies are going too far and they are off reality.” He said it a little lightly, but the note of finality, that Praveena had recently became familiar, with was still there.

“They’re not off reality, Pa.” It irritated her that her father hadn’t understood her, but unable to express her annoyance at him, she pleaded instead.

“Yes they are, Praveena.” Kamal replied. His dinner lay forgotten and so was Praveena’s. “You fancy too much. That day, you told me you needed some time before marriage. I said nothing, hoping you would agree when Kameela tried to persuade you.”

Praveena’s eyes widened in horror. Her heart couldn’t believe what the mind registered. They were in conflict. Kamal was still speaking, “but you told her the same thing.” he sighed. “I understand, sometimes it’s alright to say what you feel, but you could have at least given her some respect.”

‘I did respect her!’ Praveena wanted to scream, but Kamal didn’t seem to expect a response. He went on, his voice heavy, “Kameela’s blaming me because you don’t even address her as ‘aunt’. She’s accusing me of not raising you properly.” Kamal sighed, looking at Praveena. She was lost for words. When she had spoken with aunt Kameela, she hadn’t felt like addressing her formally. She hadn’t known a simple matter like that would hurt her father so much. She sat with tears blurring her vision.

“What can I tell her, Praveena? Should I agree with her that I’ve given you too much freedom?” he took Praveena’s hand in his, “You are old enough to get married Praveena, but what you wish to do is help addicts recover. Bad idea, my darling.” He gently patted her arm, and she knew he had locked her. She needed to find a way through this emotional barrier before it became too late. ‘But how?’