Tag: friends

Chapter Thirty: Relative Trouble

Praveena enjoyed her leisure time. She didn’t do much the first couple of days; she ate well and gave herself a lot of rest. ‘You deserve it,’ her inner voice convinced her it wasn’t laziness.

A week later, Kamal mentioned Aunt Kameela. “Hey, I forgot to tell you,” he began with an enthusiastic greeting. “Kameela called yesterday,” he lowered his pitch a notch at Praveena’s look. She didn’t care about aunt Kameela, and it showed well on her face. He continued, “She asked me what you decided.” He hesitated. “And…” He haltered, worried about Praveena’s reaction. “She said she’d speak to you,” he looked up at her, wondering.

Praveena said nothing however. Kamal knew she was irritated. But he had wanted to convey the news; he didn’t like the idea of Kameela catching Praveena unprepared.

Praveena’s remained impassive. But fumed within. Glad that her father had warned her beforehand, she smiled musing on the prospect of giving aunt Kameela a piece of her mind. This should be interesting, she thought.

“You’re smiling,” Kamal observed.

“Yeah,” Praveena said defensively. “If she wants to ask me why I don’t want to marry her son, I’ll tell her why,” she said tauntingly.

Kamal looked a bit worried now, “Well,” he shrugged, “you know what to do, just remember, she is your mother’s sister” he said. “In a way,” he added in haste, catching Praveena’s disbelieving look.

“No worries, Pa. I’ll take care.” she smiled mischievously.

That evening, aunt Kameela called Praveena.

“Hello, Praveena!” aunt Kameela sang in her sugary voice. Praveena could imagine her wide smile on the other side, displayed all of her vain betel stained teeth. She was thankful aunt Kameela hadn’t decided to come over in person. It had been difficult enough the last time, a second encounter could have ended disastrous, Praveena thought.

“Hi, aunt Kameela, how are you? How’s everyone at home?” Praveena planned to stick to the conventional basics. She did not need a lecture on that.

“Oh, everything here’s alright of course,” aunt Kameela replied lighthearted. Praveena couldn’t help but notice the extra emphasis on the word ‘here.’ It was easy to discern the route of the conversation. She decided to wait for it however. If Kameela was going to confront her, Praveena didn’t want to help her by opening the matter herself.

“Oh, that’s good.” Praveena tried hard to bring a smile in her voice. She wondered if it conveyed when aunt Kameela replied.

“But things are not so ok over there, is it?” Praveena hated the way Kameela spoke. She used the same annoying tone she had had at her mother’s funeral; the tone of talking to an over emotional preschooler.

“There’s nothing like that,” Praveena shrugged, more out of habit before realizing aunt Kameela couldn’t see her.

“Your father told me everything, Praveena” she said slowly as if to emphasize that her knowledge wasn’t useless.

“What did he say?” Praveena was now getting curious. How much of their conversation would have Pa told her? She was still lost when Kameela’s strong voice bombarded her thoughts.

“Why don’t you like to marry Prem?”

‘Finally!’ thought Praveena.

“It’s not that I don’t like Prem,” she tried to make it sound right. “It’s just that I’m not ready for marriage. I need some time.”

“But, why?” There was hones curiosity in Aunt Jameela’s voice.

“I need to mentally prepare myself” Praveena remained patient. She needed to get the thoughts out of her head. She was glad she got an opportunity to express herself.

“That’s what college was for,” Praveena imagined Kameela’s earnest and confused face. But after listening to what Kameela just said, Praveena was a little surprised. She had been wondering the purpose of her formal education. ‘Was that supposed to mentally prepare you for marriage?’ her inner voice probed her, disgusted. ‘So, it wasn’t for the knowledge?’ She was crestfallen.

“Praveena? You there?” aunt Kameela yelled from the other side.

“Yes, yes. I’m listening” Praveena realized she had been silent for a while and spoke in hurry.

“I was saying, that after college –- or maybe a couple years after work — girls settle down and raise a family.” She took a deep breath. “And since you’re not planning on working, I thought — “ she left the thought hanging.

Praveena remained silent, reflecting on aunt Kameela’s statement. How easily she had said it! Praveena couldn’t accept it. Aunt Kameela’s voice interrupted her thoughts again.

“Alright, Praveena. You think about it. Bye,” Aunt Kameela disconnected the line even before Praveena could react.

Praveena wondered if her long periods of silence had offended aunt Kameela. ‘So what if it had?’ her inner voice reasoned. And Praveena agreed.

“After college — or maybe after a couple years of work — girls settle down and raise their families.”

Aunt Kameela’s words haunted Praveena. She still couldn’t accept it. Her mind raced. Why had it become such a common notion? She had seen women who worked. But, she thought. Almost all of the working women she had known had already been married, even Ms Marrie — wait — ‘what could have happened to Ms Marrie?’

She was curious. She wanted to know if Ms Marrie had been married. ‘Of course she would’ve married’ her inner voice said, exasperated.

‘But, why didn’t she invite you?’ it was now the second voice.

While her two inner voices imposed contradictory theories, Praveena tried focusing on the bigger matter: Why did girls marry after a certain stage and start living for another person altogether? It sounded as if a girl’s final destination was marriage, as if they don’t have the freedom to choose a life after that.

Praveena wondered whether it was right to limit a girl’s potential after marriage. She knew a lot of women who had chosen their own careers, even after marriage. They didn’t think marriage was the stop point. For them, marriage meant companionship and fellowship, and a family was moral support.

Marriage is just a part of a woman’s life and not the end of it, she concluded as she sat cross-legged on her bed.

Aunt Kameela and her son Prem would disagree, she thought. They were an orthodox family who expected people to behave just like them. Living there would be a pain, for them and her. ‘That family is certainly not for you.’ she decided.

Chapter Twenty Eight: Education Burdens

“Keep in mind everyone, once you graduate, you’ll become an integral part of society.” It was another one of those lectures that the final year students had to sit through. The lecturer was their principal. They had a lot of those nowadays. The principal spoke most of the time, but occasionally, they invited famous pep speakers to give guest lectures. It was a routine torture for the final years. Old people talking, and insisting about the importance of higher education and the social recognition it creates.

A lot of students grew annoyed every time this happened; a handful of students felt higher education was just an excuse to live off their parents’ money. A few others had had enough of text books and studying. They wanted to move on, and start living their lives.

Some others paid attention to every little detail of the lectures. They considered higher formal education, and MBA seemed like a good idea. They were most of the rich people who had access to mounds of gold their parents and grandparents had preserved. But they were just a small group.

The majority, like Praveena, had decided to end their formal education. Praveena felt as if college had taken over the best years of her life; that she was spending her life being miserable, by choice, when she could have done something meaningful. She now thought about it a lot. She wondered of the future, and what it would hold for her. She had always evaded thinking ahead, but now the time was ripe to make some serious plans — ‘and a few contingency plans too’ her inner voice added. She remained undecided though.

Anil had decided to do his MBA; he had decided to remain in Bangalore. He wanted to take on a part time job and fend for himself — at least a portion of his personal expenses.

“What would you do?” Anil asked one day as they sat in the canteen, having lunch.

Praveena shrugged. She knew she should have made a decision by now, but she couldn’t make her mind up. The thought of graduating without Niveda still disturbed her. “Stay at home for some time, maybe. Have some fun, until I come up with something.” she said hoping for something of another holiday. Anil didn’t seem to think likewise.

“You going to settle down?” he asked, looking disappointed.

“Ya, I’m thinking,” she said unsure “for a while.”

Anil almost laughed. “I was talking about marriage, you idiot!” he tried to control his laughter, and failing.

“Oh,” Praveena smiled sheepishly, “nope, not marriage.” she said, and added indignantly “I’m too young for that!” Anil laughed with her.

“So,” he probed again, once the laughter had died down, “you’re going to stay home, for a while?”

Praveena nodded chewing on her lunch, not saying anything.

As Praveena’s final exams approached, she couldn’t miss the tension and the excitement that was obvious in almost every soul in the college. The teachers were the most happy with the end of the course. They often referred to Praveena’s batch as the worst batch they had had to teach. Niveda’s issue had been an added negative for them to cling on to. They showed their eagerness to be rid of the troublesome batch.

The students were on par with the teachers in terms of joy. There were plenty of goodbye parties in the hostels. From the girls’ hostel, Praveena could hear the racket coming from the boys’ hostel. It was the same every night. These parties usually happened after the exams, some seniors had told her, but this time, the parties had begun way ahead. She too felt like putting her book down and partying. Knowing they would be free after this one final exam made it all the more difficult to concentrate. Praveena’s mind kept wandering to the enjoying phase after the exams.

She forced herself to study. ‘One last time,’ convincing herself.

The final paper of the final exam was upon them. That morning, Anil and Praveena met in the canteen as usual and had an unusual, quiet breakfast. Praveena was feeling plenty of emotions at the same time. She was happy college life had come to a close. She was reluctant to leave Bangalore; she had enjoyed the city’s refreshing climate. She would leave Anil behind, and that was painful too. He had been her closest friend and only comfort after Niveda. She was thankful to him for staying by her side, throughout the tough episodes of Niveda’s treatment and death.

But most of all, it was the thought of Niveda. During the first year, when Praveena was just beginning to get accustomed to Niveda’s regular chatter, she would imagine themselves graduating together, and then remaining friends for life. Every time she thought of it, she wanted to weep. She cast the thought aside, deciding instead, to focus on her sandwich.

“Last day,” Anil observed. He sneaked a look at Praveena to catch her reaction. “Yeah,” She nodded as memories swivelled in her head.

They finished the exam, and met again for a quiet lunch.

“I’ll miss you, Praveena” Anil said flatly. “You are my best friend, you know.” he pursed his lips in a tight smile.

Praveena looked at him, a long calculating look. She knew she would miss him too, more than she could say.

“Me too,” she ended the conversation.

Chapter Twenty Six: Getting Along

“I’m amazed, Praveena.” It was James’ class on a Thursday evening. He had just appreciated one of her drawings in front of the whole class. She had forgotten she had cast her drawing inside her assignment essay, and James had happened to come across it. Praveena felt her face redden. She hadn’t expected this reaction from James.

She had drawn three stallions grazing a green meadow. She had thought of Niveda, Anil, and herself while drawing the picture. ‘Maybe that is why it looks so good’, she thought. Three stallions, away from civilization; away from the people who would hurt them. She had such strong feelings that it had reflected in her drawing, even without her realizing it.

When she took her seat, Anil whispered, “nice one.” She smiled. The two of them tried to act as if they had gotten over Niveda, when neither hadn’t. They did it for each other despite knowing it was obvious.

College went back to normal in a few days. For them, it was an excitement of a holiday and a day of supposed mourning. They all went back to their studies and examinations. The second year drew to a close, and students and teachers alike clamoured the corridors clarifying doubts and exchanging last minute notes.

Praveena, oblivious to all that, could neither concentrate on her subjects or sleep. Those days of youthful sleeplessness threatened to take her over again. She longed to speak to someone, she wanted the comfort Ms Marrie had given her. She wanted to hear herself speak the truth. That was the hard part; even though her mind knew Niveda would never come back to sit by her side laughing, her heart still clung to that thin rope of hope. Speaking the truth out loud would mean accepting the inevitable, and it would break her heart. She shuddered every time she thought of Niveda. She spent weekends in her room all alone, staring into space lost in her thoughts about Niveda.

Anil tried calling her, though she wouldn’t respond. Whenever she answered him, she’d put him off with some excuse or the other.

Anil grew worried and scared at her sinister behaviour. He told James about Praveena’s condition and James asked her to meet him.

“What’s happening Praveena? You seem unlike yourself, I hear,” they were in James’ room, and Praveena had her eyes cast down.

“I’m not myself anymore” she mumbled.

“Neither are we.”

Praveena looked up, surprised. James looked at her, with a look that meant what he had said.

“I’m not asking you to forget it, Praveena. Just learn to live with it.” Praveena looked confused.

“Accept the fact and go on with your life. It doesn’t stop for anyone.”

Even years afterward, Praveena would consider that as the best piece of advice she had ever received. Simple truth.

So Praveena tried to take the advice. She realised the difficulty in getting over a loss, but she tried. She attended the final exams, and left home for the term end holidays. She was looking forward to a few good solitary days.

Praveena was leaving Bangalore; she was going home, home to Chennai, and her lonely father. She was glad to get away from college. She needed a break, and she expected good couple of weeks. She had ten days of freedom; freedom from college, lecturers, pity stares, and assignments. She arrived at the Chennai Central Railway station with high hopes. And there he stood waiting, her father. Looking older than she remembered him, making her realize that even as she grew older, so did her father. It came as quite a shock; she hadn’t seen Kamal for nearly half a year, she had been too involved with Niveda and her treatment – ‘Okay, don’t go there!’ her inner voice interrupted sternly.

“Hi, Pa. How are you?” Drained of energy, she gave him a weak hug. Something in Kamal’s embrace comforted her more than anything had had in the past few months.

She hadn’t told Kamal of Niveda’s addiction and suicide. She had told him all about their friendship, but decided not to open up the sad part. She didn’t know if she could handle saying it out aloud. Now though, she knew she had to. She wondered how he would react. Kamal wasn’t the type of father who would shower his daughter with too much concern, but he would take it seriously. ‘Not Ma, though’ her inner voice reminded her. ‘Yes’ she silently agreed. Her mother would have taken it in a different manner. She would have offered suggestions to help Niveda. Her mother had been a good friend, a place Niveda took over. They were both great companionship. Except they were dead. Gone.

“Shall we?” Kamal stepped aside, gesturing Praveena to take the lead. She did. As Kamal drove the motorcycle, Praveena enjoyed the ride. It was early in the morning, the streets dust and smoke-free. As they drove past the tall buildings, Praveena felt the cold wintry breeze playing across her face, making her locks bounce in ecstasy. Praveena thought back to her first weekend in college, when she had stood facing the green valley, letting the wind kiss her face. She thought back to the day she and Niveda, along with Anil, had sat on the grass looking on, savoring a moment of bliss. Those were memories that wet her eyes.

When they reached home, Kamal turned to her, “what do you want for breakfast?” He became excited, clapping his hands and walking with a spring in his step.

“Anything, Pa” she shrugged, smiling. Kamal nodded and left for the kitchen, whistling her favourite song.

Praveena smiled to herself. She was happy that she had got to spend time with her father. She spoke to him over the phone quite a lot, but her physical presence meant a lot to Kamal, and Praveena knew that. ‘Pa, looks dull,’ her inner voice observed. ‘talk to him,’ it urged.

Praveena didn’t know what to say. Niveda was the only thing on her mind, and the guilt that she hadn’t told her father about almost being expelled.

She followed him to the kitchen.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 30

Chapter Twenty Five: Another Loss

Praveena shook with grief as Anil sat next to her, her hand in his and tears in his eyes. They sat alone in James’s room, as James, the matron, and the other teachers took care of the police investigation proceedings.

It was shocking, Niveda’s smiling face kept flashing in Praveena’s mind. She had spoken countless of times to the police inspectors and teachers about the previous night’s incidents. Every time she spoke, or even thought of it, she felt sorrow seeping through her veins poisoning her from within. She couldn’t cry anymore. It was as if her tears had all evaporated even before they were spilled. The last time she had felt so sad was when her mother had died. She silently wept within.

Anil was in a state of shock too. He hadn’t expected Niveda to lose herself. He had thought she would come out successful. After all, he had done it. They remained in James’s room, and after a while and James entered with a knock. Neither of them winced. James took his seat facing them.

“Why did this happen, Praveena?” James sounded sorrowful. Praveena looked up at him, her eyes heavy. She sniffed. “I didn’t notice. Again,” she broke off, unable to continue.

“It’s not your fault,” Anil said in a low voice.

“She was a good girl,” James kept blinking trying to block the tears that threatened to lose control.

“I’ll never be the same again,” It was the second time in her life Praveena had felt that way, but it was her first time voicing it. She did, but Anil and James didn’t.

Praveena hardly got any sleep in the following weeks. She felt loneliness surrounding her. Every time she tried to close her eyes, Niveda’s final look came back to haunt her. Each day the police discovered leads about Niveda’s suicide. According to the autopsy report, there were large quantities of drugs in Niveda. James broke the news to Anil and Praveena.

“It looks like she was never really out of it,” he shook his head in disbelief. Anil wore a crestfallen look and Praveena was too shocked to even say anything. She just sat dumbfounded as if everything that happened around her made no sense at all.

She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. She had made sure not to leave Niveda alone, what had made her inject herself again? Praveena didn’t know how she felt.

Niveda’s parents had come to school the day after she died. They seemed horrified at their daughter’s drug addiction, and her suicide.

They spoke to Praveena and Anil in private. Niveda’s parents blamed them for their daughter’s death. They said the couple of kids poisoned their daughter’s mind, got her addicted, and then killed her.

Praveena felt anger boiling up inside her. She tried hard to remain civilized, but couldn’t. She broke away from Anil’s clutches and walked up close to Niveda’s mother, who looked dressed up for a cocktail party, and pointed a menacing finger at her. “You,” she screamed, “you ruthless woman,” she breathed trying to stable herself, “you told Niveda to go to hell!” she shouted.

“You—you don’t deserve to be a mother.” She then turned to Niveda’s lean father who looked like a model for men’s suits, “and you don’t deserve to be a father either,” She made a spitting gesture at his feet and allowed herself to be taken away by Anil.

Niveda’s mother later reported to the police that she had been drunk when she spoke to Niveda and that was the reason for the exchange of harsh words. The text messages stood against her, but she escaped the cuffs, thanks to an expensive attorney.

When the college management heard of Niveda’s addiction, they were furious at Anil and Praveena. The principal himself spoke in favor of their expulsion.

Praveena didn’t even defend herself. She thought it better to go away from this wretched place, rather than stay in the same room thinking about Niveda every day. She had got special permission from the warden to stay in the same room alone. The warden hesitated at first, doubting that Praveena, in her sorrow, would follow in her friend’s footsteps. But at last she had given in to Praveena’s request.

James vouched for Anil and Praveena. He assured the management that they were not to blame.

“They knew of it, and didn’t report it! They spoiled the college name!” the principal had barked. James hadn’t flinched or reacted.

“It wasn’t their fault. You can’t do this.” James responded coldly. How could these people think only of the school’s reputation when a student had died in the campus? The duo didn’t know what else James had said, but they knew after that incident with James, the principal had avoided any encounter with him.

All around her, students recovered faster than she had expected. They remained sober for a couple of days, but then all of them got along with their own work. They threw pity looks at Praveena and Anil, which infuriated Praveena even more, but that was all they did. Praveena didn’t know what to expect from them either. They hadn’t known Niveda as much as her, but it was painful that Niveda had been secretive, even from her. She couldn’t get over it, and it affected her lessons.

Overcome with helplessness, Praveena started drawing. It happened in a whim, she hadn’t drawn anything much before, but every stroke she made on the paper helped her feel better. As the days went by, her drawings had more depth and meaning. Losing two of the closest people to her heart had changed her perception of life. She couldn’t believe she was the same girl who had been upset for someone who had given up on his passion—as if that was a part from another life.

Her drawings connected well to viewers, but she grew increasingly private. She hardly spoke to anyone except Anil. He too had problems of his own. It was as if Niveda had been the bridge that held the two poles together.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 28

Chapter Twenty Four: Letting Go

Niveda began enjoying her day to day activities. The lack of college work lightened her mood. Every evening, as Praveena finished her daily assignments, Niveda sat with her, helping her out and sharing random conversations.

One day their History of Psychology professor, Mr Brown, questioned Niveda.

“You girl!” He exclaimed at her. He had quite a bad memory when it came to students’ names. “James told me you were doing some assignment for him,” he shook his head showing his disapproval. “What’s that about?” He peered hard at her through his round glasses.

Niveda stood up wondering what to say. She glanced at Praveena who looked back at her mutely, egging her to come up with a convincing lie.

“Er — ” Niveda began, “I’m doing a research on—er—I’m analyzing the greatest psychological experiments, and writing a paper suggesting alternative experimentation methods.” she smiled weakly.

“Experimental psychology, hmm…” Mr Brown nodded, wondering. “I thought it was the psychological effects of experiments on subjects?” He stared at her over the top of his glasses, as if he had caught her red handed doing something illegal, “that’s what James told me.” He added tilting his head to a side, a nasty grin playing on his lips.

“Er—yes, that too—Sir” Niveda added as an after thought. Praveena noticed her swallow hard. She couldn’t manage a lie without squirming with fear and insult.

“Oh, really?”

Anil stared at Mr Brown with contempt. “He doesn’t buy it,” he whispered to Praveena. She looked at Mr Brown who threw a crooked smile at Niveda.

“Sit.” He barked at her, who cowered with fear.

Praveena was a little astonished to see Niveda react the way she did. She would always speak back and bite anyone who dared to insult her. Praveena saw Niveda wasn’t the same anymore; she had changed a lot, giving in to others to stamp her down. ‘Could it be an effect of the drugs?’ She wondered.

After class, the three friends sat in the canteen discussing the event.

“It was so unlike you, Niveda.” Praveena voiced her thoughts. Anil turned to her disapprovingly. She shouldn’t have said that.

“I know,” Niveda said miserably. She hung her head. “I got scared. For some stupid reason. I feel like a coward. I couldn’t even face the old toad.”

Anil held her hand and smiled reassuringly. “No you’re not,” he said. “You’re very brave, you’re fighting this — this — thing, when the others are worrying about facing the exams. You’re braver than the whole lot of them.” He finished with a smile, and so did Praveena. Niveda, however, still looked unconvinced.

That night, Niveda sat on her bed, sleepless. Praveena lay awake as well. They were quiet, each lost in her own thoughts. Praveena had a sudden urge to speak to Ms Marrie. It had been long time since they had spoken with each other. Though Praveena had never accepted it, Ms Marrie had been a second mother to her. She remembered Ms Marrie telling her about getting married. She wondered if the marriage was over. She picked up her phone. She called Ms Marrie, but she disconnected the call when the phone had rung twice. ‘No,’ she thought. It was almost midnight, and Ms Marrie would be asleep now.

With a deep sigh, she put her phone away, and as she did, she saw Niveda meddling with her phone. She was messaging someone. ‘That’s odd,’ Praveena thought. She had never seen Niveda messaging anyone before. ‘but then again,’ her inner voice piped, ‘you had never seen her doing drugs either.’ She shut the voice down.

“Niveda?” she spoke softly a little uncertain.

“Hmm?” Niveda responded without looking up.

“You’re texting someone?” Praveena asked trying hard to keep the astonishment out of her voice.

Niveda looked up. Her eyes reflected confusion. “Yeah,” she snapped. Praveena remained silent. Then Niveda cast her phone away lazily and said in a plain voice, “I felt like talking to my mother.”

“Oh,” Praveen’s eyes widened. “Oh, that’s — that’s good.” She said. ‘What had she expected? That Niveda was messaging someone else?’ She should have known better than to suspect anything sinister.
“Sorry,” She apologized, “I thought — ” She began, but Niveda cut in with a simple, “Never mind.”

“So,” Praveena continued now a bit happier, “what did your Mom say?”

“She told me to go to hell,” Niveda shook her head in exasperation. Praveena couldn’t believe her ears. How could a mother say something like that? “And you know what I said?” Niveda continued, turning to face Praveena, her eyes sparkling. When Praveena shook her head, she said “I said, ‘I will’.”

Praveena stared at Niveda, now scared. ‘What’s got into her?’ She wondered.

“Come on now, Niveda — ” she began, but Niveda interrupted again.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t mean it.” Even in the dim light of the night lamp, Praveena could make out Niveda’s crooked smile.
Praveena didn’t say a thing for a while. “Okay,” she said at last. “Good night.”

“Good night. Sleep tight.” Niveda smiled widely, lay down on her bed, and turned over to the other side.

“Yeah…” Praveena trailed off as she pulled the sheet over her.

Praveena woke up early the next morning. It was Friday and she was expecting a good weekend. She turned to Niveda. Seeing her lying face down on the pillow, Praveena let her sleep a little more.

She left the bed and got ready. Twenty minutes later, she was combing her hair when she realized Niveda was still asleep. Putting her comb down, Praveena went over to wake Niveda up.

“Niveda?” she called tentatively touching her shoulder. That’s when she saw Niveda’s sheets wet. With ‘blood,’ she realized a split second later. Horrified, she turned Niveda over and saw her bleeding on her slashed arm. Paralyzed with shock, Praveena opened her mouth to shout for help, but no sound came out. She ran away from the room in panic and banged on the warden’s door nearby. Seeing a hysterical Praveena, pointing towards her room, the old lady led Praveena back to the room. There on the bed, they found Niveda’s body, lifeless.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 27