Tag: higher education

Chapter Thirty Nine: A Friend Calls

‘So,’ Praveena said to herself. She went back to the conversation she had had with Ms Marrie the previous morning. She sat in the couch with a book she hadn’t opened at all. ‘Pa doesn’t want me to start a self help group because he’s afraid I’d fail.’ She sighed, nodding to herself.

‘That’s so unlike him,’ her inner voice observed. Praveena agreed. It was unlike her father. He never cared about winning; he only considered participation. She recalled her numerous failed attempts at sports. He had always said, “Just get involved. That’s more satisfactory than winning itself.” Then why did he become contradictory all of a sudden? Praveena couldn’t discern her father.

She stared at the cover of the book in her hand without really seeing it, when her mobile phone rang,  cutting through the silence and shaking her off her reverie.

She picked up. Anil. An unenthusiastic smile came across her lips.

“Hey,” she answered dully.

“Hey, Hi!” he exclaimed excitedly. “All set?” Praveena could imagine him bouncing off his feet as he spoke. It had been a long time since she had heard him this enthusiastic.

“Nope,” she heaved a sigh. “I couldn’t convince Pa. He doesn’t like the idea,” she shook her head, forgetting he couldn’t see her.

There was surprised silence from the other side before Anil laughed, “What are you talking about?” he asked incredulously.

Praveena was taken aback by his response. “What are you talking about?” she asked leaning on the couch get get more comfortable.

“The convocation of course!” he said happily, “What were you talking about?” he asked a little doubtful.

Praveena slapped her hand on her forehead before saying, “Nothing, I’ll tell you later.” Rubbing her forehead vigorously, she continued in surprise, “So, the convocation. Have they announced the date yet?” She made a mental note never to hit herself on the forehead again. It was painful punishment.

“Do you ever,” Anil asked exasperatedly, “check your mails?”
Praveena smiled to herself, “never,” she said. “So, when is it?” she asked quickly.

Anil heaved a tired sigh, “It’s this Saturday. You planning to show up?” he added sarcastically.

Praveena slouched her shoulders lazily. “Saturday…” she went through her mind-calendar and realised she had no plans at all. “Ya,” she said nodding, “I might be there.”

“Great!” Anil exclaimed happily. “Try to reach on Friday itself. Let’s catch up,” he said hopefully.

“Sure,” Praveena replied enthusiastically. And all of a sudden, she felt excited to visit her college, as a senior. Four days more, she thought gleefully. This would be good, she decided pushing the thought of a self group to the back of her head.

That night, Praveena told her father about the convocation. He, like Anil, chided her for not being aware of it earlier. He had planned to make an important business visit to Kerala the next day.

Since Praveena wanted to reach Bangalore beforehand, he suggested she leave Thursday evening, and he would meet her in Bangalore on Saturday.

With all her hasty plans made, Praveena prepared herself for the graduation ceremony. At the end of Saturday, she would officially become a psychology graduate. She would no longer be a student. She knew people expected her to take responsibilities and act more womanly. She laughed at the idea in private. She couldn’t imagine herself as a proper woman, getting ready to raise a family. After the convocation, her aunt Kameela and the family members would put more pressure on her and Kamal.

‘It’s no use worrying about what would make you miserable,’ Heeding her inner voice’s advice, she took a deep sign, rolled over, and fell asleep.

As Praveena got off from the train on Friday morning, she saw Anil grinning ear to ear. He wore a blue denim and had folded the sleeves of his black shirt half way through — just the way she liked it.

She grinned back walking towards him.

“I didn’t expect you here,” she said surprised.

Anil shrugged, “Well,” he smiled slightly, “I figured you might like some early morning company,” he added as they walked out of the station.

“Great,” Praveena replied brusquely. “Now,” she said with an air of authority, “Did you find a good hotel for me to stay?” She raised her eyebrows, with a mocking smile.

“Hotel?” Anil exclaimed shaking his head. He had stopped walking and faced Praveena with his hands on his hips. “Honestly!” he said exasperatedly, “Didn’t you check your mail, even after I told you?” he shook his head in disapproval. Praveena noticed his dark eyes glinting in the morning sunlight.

“Well,” Praveena reasoned, “I thought, since you had already told me, I wouldn’t need to check them.” She raised her eyebrows challenging him.

“’Students and their families can stay in the college hostels’,” he quoted the e-mail in a high-pitched voice. Praveena nodded quietly. She knew whatever she says would only provoke Anil to prove her wrong. Smiling to herself, she walked beside him. It had been long since they had spoken so freely. The last year – after Niveda’s death – at college had dried out their friendship.

All around Praveena, people carried huge bags in one hand and pulled their kids along on the other hand. Seeing their tired faces, Praveena smiled in disbelief. People travel for all sorts of reasons, she mused. There are the people who look troubled and travel purposefully to solve their problems. Then there are the other people who travel just for the joy of it. Though what joy they could find in traveling in these back-breaking conditions, Praveena didn’t understand.

She walked passed a woman holding her daughter’s hand and rushing towards the train that had started moving slowly. The little girl looked no more that ten years old. The mother carried a large travelling bag on the other hand. Something told Praveena they were going to a temple to fulfil a sacrifice the mother had promised. She guessed the little girl was about to lose her luscious locks of waist length hair.

Shaking her head at the evident stupidity of these people, Praveena followed Anil to the black Mercedes Benz.

“It’s a friend’s” Anil told her knowingly, as she stared open-mouthed at the shiny beast.

Chapter Twenty Nine: A Long Holiday

Praveena busied herself in her last couple of days packing up all of her possessions, and stuffing them into her old trunk. Her father called, telling her how much he longed to see her. He had a lot of plans to share with her when she came back.

Praveena was getting ready to leave Bangalore in a mix of joy and sorrow. She met her class mates for the last time and promised to keep in touch, quietly acknowledging the empty words. She and Anil had a final meeting in the valley facing the hostel buildings.

He sat waiting for her, a traveling bag by his side. As Praveena walked up to him, his flying hair reminded her of their first weekend in college, when she had first met him on the same valley. Smiling to herself, she sat next to him.

He had been staring at the other side when Praveena sat next to him, but sensing her, “It’s strange, isn’t it?” he said and turned to her with a smile. Seeing Praveena’s perplexity, he added, “that we meet, like this, just before going home?”

Praveena smiled, she could sense the sadness that emanated from him. She could feel it too. For a long time they said nothing. Praveena’s thought back of Niveda and the days they had spent, in this very campus, as “the trio.” She felt hot tears sliding down her cheeks, but made no effort to wipe them, leaving the chill morning breeze to take care of it. The wind ruffled her uncombed hair. Letting it wash over her, she wondered if she would ever have the chance to witness it again.

When it was time to say goodbye, Anil and Praveena stood facing each other. Anil reached out his hand, and Praveena shook it.

“Take care, Anil,” Praveena said, hit by reality all too soon. “Call me whenever you can,” she added.

Anil nodded, smiling. “You too.” he said. They walked together towards the gates. They were just about to part ways when a voice called out from behind.

“Anil! Praveena!”

They turned and saw James, a rucksack on his back, walking towards them with a spring in every step. “Hey,” he panted coming to a halt in front of them. “It was great knowing you guys,” he smiled wide. The duo returned the smile, “Thank you for being a wonderful teacher, Sir” Praveena said as Anil nodded his approval.

“I just played fair for my salary,” he shrugged waving the compliment away. “I just have one last advice for you,” The duo raised their eyebrows in unison at his sudden seriousness, “Enjoy life, you guys.” James said grinning and spreading his arms wide, “After three years here,” he pointed at the dingy college building, “you deserve it!” he winked.

Waving goodbye, he walked towards his motorcycle. With a loving pat on the seat of his gleaming black Bullet, he jumped onto it and rode away, his head held high and pumping his fist in the air.

They stood watching his figure fade as another lecturer, who had come up to them without their knowing it, shook his head, saying “Silly guy, quit his job!” The lecturer walked away, “See you at the convocation,” he patted Anil on the shoulder. Anil mirrored Praveena’s surprise. James quit? They wondered as they heard the final sounds of his motorcycle fade into the distance.

Kamal held Praveena in a long embrace. He didn’t care it was the railway station, he didn’t care loads of people watched them. He was glad to have his daughter back, and he showed it by giving her a warm welcome hug.

“How are you, Pa?”

“I’m good, good,” he waved his hand doing something of a gig. He seemed happy at her return, but Praveena knew there was something huge in his mind. He looked older, with more wrinkles on his face than Praveena remembered. His skin had begun to hang loose. He had lost almost all of his black hair; Praveena saw a lot of greys and even a bald patch forming. But he looked fit. Praveena assumed he still played football in the park with the kids in the neighbourhood.

Once they reached home, Kamal prepared Praveena’s favourite lunch while she bathed. Just the thought of being back home rejuvenated her.

After a heavy meal, Kamal and Praveena sat on the couch to watch television. Praveena realized she hadn’t spoken to her father as much as she had wanted to. She switched the television off. Kamal turned a curious eye at her. She smiled.

“Pa, say something.”

Kamal turned to face her. “Say something?” he repeated incredulous. “What do you want me to say?”

“Something,” Praveena shook her head shrugging. “Anything.”

“Well,” Kamal hesitated, “What do you want to do, now that you’re done with college?”

Praveena raised her eyebrows and told him she had had enough of college, and that she would wait for perhaps a couple of months until she decided what to do next.

“Alright…” Kamal trailed away, “Thing is,” he sighed, rubbing his hands together. Praveena grew impatient, but waited for her father to finish.

“Remember aunty Kameela?”

Praveena remembered her. She had spoken to her at Geetha’s funeral. “You mean the one who told me everything would be alright, and then asked my name?” She didn’t make much of an effort to hide the distaste she felt for her relatives, particularly those who showed up at her mother’s funeral just to display their social status. They had all come only because they hadn’t wanted society to bad-mouth them.

Kamal nodded, now a little uncomfortable.

“What about her?” Praveena  became harsh. She wondered if the aunt had died and he wanted her to accompany him to the funeral. She was ready to decline his request, when unexpectedly, he said, “she asked me if you’d marry her son — Prem.”

Praveena was shocked. She stood up, staring at her father. She hadn’t even thought of marriage yet, and yet, here was her father, asking her to marry some random guy whom she had never even met!

“Pa,” she tried to keep her voice low; she hated the idea of shouting at her father. “I don’t want to get married.”

Kamal looked stunned, open-mouthed, “Yet,” she added.

“I need some time, Pa,” she quietly said sitting down again. “to sort out the priorities in my life.”

Kamal said nothing for a while. Though he was mute, she saw he was thinking about something, but looked as if he didn’t want her to know.

“Alright then,” he shrugged at last. “It’s your life, you make your own choices. I’m with you.” He smiled and ruffled her hair.

Praveena looked at him in surprise as he switched on the television again.

Chapter Twenty Eight: Education Burdens

“Keep in mind everyone, once you graduate, you’ll become an integral part of society.” It was another one of those lectures that the final year students had to sit through. The lecturer was their principal. They had a lot of those nowadays. The principal spoke most of the time, but occasionally, they invited famous pep speakers to give guest lectures. It was a routine torture for the final years. Old people talking, and insisting about the importance of higher education and the social recognition it creates.

A lot of students grew annoyed every time this happened; a handful of students felt higher education was just an excuse to live off their parents’ money. A few others had had enough of text books and studying. They wanted to move on, and start living their lives.

Some others paid attention to every little detail of the lectures. They considered higher formal education, and MBA seemed like a good idea. They were most of the rich people who had access to mounds of gold their parents and grandparents had preserved. But they were just a small group.

The majority, like Praveena, had decided to end their formal education. Praveena felt as if college had taken over the best years of her life; that she was spending her life being miserable, by choice, when she could have done something meaningful. She now thought about it a lot. She wondered of the future, and what it would hold for her. She had always evaded thinking ahead, but now the time was ripe to make some serious plans — ‘and a few contingency plans too’ her inner voice added. She remained undecided though.

Anil had decided to do his MBA; he had decided to remain in Bangalore. He wanted to take on a part time job and fend for himself — at least a portion of his personal expenses.

“What would you do?” Anil asked one day as they sat in the canteen, having lunch.

Praveena shrugged. She knew she should have made a decision by now, but she couldn’t make her mind up. The thought of graduating without Niveda still disturbed her. “Stay at home for some time, maybe. Have some fun, until I come up with something.” she said hoping for something of another holiday. Anil didn’t seem to think likewise.

“You going to settle down?” he asked, looking disappointed.

“Ya, I’m thinking,” she said unsure “for a while.”

Anil almost laughed. “I was talking about marriage, you idiot!” he tried to control his laughter, and failing.

“Oh,” Praveena smiled sheepishly, “nope, not marriage.” she said, and added indignantly “I’m too young for that!” Anil laughed with her.

“So,” he probed again, once the laughter had died down, “you’re going to stay home, for a while?”

Praveena nodded chewing on her lunch, not saying anything.

As Praveena’s final exams approached, she couldn’t miss the tension and the excitement that was obvious in almost every soul in the college. The teachers were the most happy with the end of the course. They often referred to Praveena’s batch as the worst batch they had had to teach. Niveda’s issue had been an added negative for them to cling on to. They showed their eagerness to be rid of the troublesome batch.

The students were on par with the teachers in terms of joy. There were plenty of goodbye parties in the hostels. From the girls’ hostel, Praveena could hear the racket coming from the boys’ hostel. It was the same every night. These parties usually happened after the exams, some seniors had told her, but this time, the parties had begun way ahead. She too felt like putting her book down and partying. Knowing they would be free after this one final exam made it all the more difficult to concentrate. Praveena’s mind kept wandering to the enjoying phase after the exams.

She forced herself to study. ‘One last time,’ convincing herself.

The final paper of the final exam was upon them. That morning, Anil and Praveena met in the canteen as usual and had an unusual, quiet breakfast. Praveena was feeling plenty of emotions at the same time. She was happy college life had come to a close. She was reluctant to leave Bangalore; she had enjoyed the city’s refreshing climate. She would leave Anil behind, and that was painful too. He had been her closest friend and only comfort after Niveda. She was thankful to him for staying by her side, throughout the tough episodes of Niveda’s treatment and death.

But most of all, it was the thought of Niveda. During the first year, when Praveena was just beginning to get accustomed to Niveda’s regular chatter, she would imagine themselves graduating together, and then remaining friends for life. Every time she thought of it, she wanted to weep. She cast the thought aside, deciding instead, to focus on her sandwich.

“Last day,” Anil observed. He sneaked a look at Praveena to catch her reaction. “Yeah,” She nodded as memories swivelled in her head.

They finished the exam, and met again for a quiet lunch.

“I’ll miss you, Praveena” Anil said flatly. “You are my best friend, you know.” he pursed his lips in a tight smile.

Praveena looked at him, a long calculating look. She knew she would miss him too, more than she could say.

“Me too,” she ended the conversation.

Chapter Twenty Five: Another Loss

Praveena shook with grief as Anil sat next to her, her hand in his and tears in his eyes. They sat alone in James’s room, as James, the matron, and the other teachers took care of the police investigation proceedings.

It was shocking, Niveda’s smiling face kept flashing in Praveena’s mind. She had spoken countless of times to the police inspectors and teachers about the previous night’s incidents. Every time she spoke, or even thought of it, she felt sorrow seeping through her veins poisoning her from within. She couldn’t cry anymore. It was as if her tears had all evaporated even before they were spilled. The last time she had felt so sad was when her mother had died. She silently wept within.

Anil was in a state of shock too. He hadn’t expected Niveda to lose herself. He had thought she would come out successful. After all, he had done it. They remained in James’s room, and after a while and James entered with a knock. Neither of them winced. James took his seat facing them.

“Why did this happen, Praveena?” James sounded sorrowful. Praveena looked up at him, her eyes heavy. She sniffed. “I didn’t notice. Again,” she broke off, unable to continue.

“It’s not your fault,” Anil said in a low voice.

“She was a good girl,” James kept blinking trying to block the tears that threatened to lose control.

“I’ll never be the same again,” It was the second time in her life Praveena had felt that way, but it was her first time voicing it. She did, but Anil and James didn’t.

Praveena hardly got any sleep in the following weeks. She felt loneliness surrounding her. Every time she tried to close her eyes, Niveda’s final look came back to haunt her. Each day the police discovered leads about Niveda’s suicide. According to the autopsy report, there were large quantities of drugs in Niveda. James broke the news to Anil and Praveena.

“It looks like she was never really out of it,” he shook his head in disbelief. Anil wore a crestfallen look and Praveena was too shocked to even say anything. She just sat dumbfounded as if everything that happened around her made no sense at all.

She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. She had made sure not to leave Niveda alone, what had made her inject herself again? Praveena didn’t know how she felt.

Niveda’s parents had come to school the day after she died. They seemed horrified at their daughter’s drug addiction, and her suicide.

They spoke to Praveena and Anil in private. Niveda’s parents blamed them for their daughter’s death. They said the couple of kids poisoned their daughter’s mind, got her addicted, and then killed her.

Praveena felt anger boiling up inside her. She tried hard to remain civilized, but couldn’t. She broke away from Anil’s clutches and walked up close to Niveda’s mother, who looked dressed up for a cocktail party, and pointed a menacing finger at her. “You,” she screamed, “you ruthless woman,” she breathed trying to stable herself, “you told Niveda to go to hell!” she shouted.

“You—you don’t deserve to be a mother.” She then turned to Niveda’s lean father who looked like a model for men’s suits, “and you don’t deserve to be a father either,” She made a spitting gesture at his feet and allowed herself to be taken away by Anil.

Niveda’s mother later reported to the police that she had been drunk when she spoke to Niveda and that was the reason for the exchange of harsh words. The text messages stood against her, but she escaped the cuffs, thanks to an expensive attorney.

When the college management heard of Niveda’s addiction, they were furious at Anil and Praveena. The principal himself spoke in favor of their expulsion.

Praveena didn’t even defend herself. She thought it better to go away from this wretched place, rather than stay in the same room thinking about Niveda every day. She had got special permission from the warden to stay in the same room alone. The warden hesitated at first, doubting that Praveena, in her sorrow, would follow in her friend’s footsteps. But at last she had given in to Praveena’s request.

James vouched for Anil and Praveena. He assured the management that they were not to blame.

“They knew of it, and didn’t report it! They spoiled the college name!” the principal had barked. James hadn’t flinched or reacted.

“It wasn’t their fault. You can’t do this.” James responded coldly. How could these people think only of the school’s reputation when a student had died in the campus? The duo didn’t know what else James had said, but they knew after that incident with James, the principal had avoided any encounter with him.

All around her, students recovered faster than she had expected. They remained sober for a couple of days, but then all of them got along with their own work. They threw pity looks at Praveena and Anil, which infuriated Praveena even more, but that was all they did. Praveena didn’t know what to expect from them either. They hadn’t known Niveda as much as her, but it was painful that Niveda had been secretive, even from her. She couldn’t get over it, and it affected her lessons.

Overcome with helplessness, Praveena started drawing. It happened in a whim, she hadn’t drawn anything much before, but every stroke she made on the paper helped her feel better. As the days went by, her drawings had more depth and meaning. Losing two of the closest people to her heart had changed her perception of life. She couldn’t believe she was the same girl who had been upset for someone who had given up on his passion—as if that was a part from another life.

Her drawings connected well to viewers, but she grew increasingly private. She hardly spoke to anyone except Anil. He too had problems of his own. It was as if Niveda had been the bridge that held the two poles together.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 28