Tag: life

Chapter Thirty Eight: Insights

They were at the Green Leaf restaurant yet again. After a sleepless night of indecision, Praveena had surprised Ms Marrie early in the morning.

“I’m confused Miss,” she had said.

“Let’s meet up,” Ms Marrie had laughed.

Praveena arrived at the Green Leaf restaurant a little early. She mulled over on what she had to say as Ms Marrie arrived.

“It’s becoming kind of a tradition, isn’t it?” Ms Marrie laughed taking a seat.

Praveena nodded smiling slightly. “Am I taking too much of your time, Miss?” Praveena knew she was, but she asked the question anyway, more out of formality than anything else.

“Well yes,” Ms Marrie said seriously, making Praveena cower in shame. “But,” Ms Marrie added, “considering I’m advising a student,” she smiled at Praveena, “it’s alright.”

Praveena smiled in response before saying, “Thank you, Miss. You’re the best.”

“Let’s skip the embarrassing compliments, shall we?” Ms Marrie raised her eyebrows at Praveena. “What’s troubling you now, Praveena?” she asked concernedly.

Praveena appreciated the concern and time Ms Marrie had always given her. Every time she had wanted to clear her mind, Ms Marrie had been there for her listening without judgement.

“A friend called me the other day, and he mentioned he was a volunteer in an alcoholic anonymous society.” She paused to take a swig at her orange juice. The mid morning sunlight streamed into the restaurant through the heavy glass windows, reflecting and brightening the colour of Praveena’s orange juice. Ms Marrie listened, sipping on her grape juice. “After the chat, I thought of starting a self help group in our locality for drug addicts.” Praveena looked up at the still impassive Ms Marrie’s face. “What do you think Miss?”

Ms Marrie sighed frowning slightly. “I think this is not the source of your confusion.” she observed. Praveena smiled sheepishly, but as Ms Marrie said nothing else, she continued. “I told Pa about this, and he disagreed.” she finished sadly and added, “Unexpectedly.”

Ms Marrie nodded understandingly. “So that’s what’s bothering you.” she said seriously. “What did your father say, exactly?”

Praveena didn’t want to go over the details again. Just thinking about it had been painful enough, let alone saying it out to someone else.

“Well,” she hesitated. This wasn’t as easy as she had anticipated. “he was worried that he made a mistake giving me freedom.” She gulped, “and – er – he also said…” She told Ms Marrie of the conversation she had had with her father. She told her teacher everything, including an afterthought. “I guess he is worried I would get involved with those who do drugs.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe he doesn’t trust me.” Praveena was heart broken.

Ms Marrie had just raised her glass of juice to her lips. She placed it on the table and spoke gently, “I don’t think it’s a matter of trust, Praveena.”

“Perhaps,” Praveena replied, now a little doubtful, “but I can take care of myself,” she said earnestly.

“No doubt you can,” Ms Marrie replied confidently.

“Then what’s his problem?” Praveena asked in a slightly raised voice.

Ms Marrie had been drinking her juice. She drained it and smugly placed the glass on the table. “The juice here is good,” she observed smacking her lips.

“Huh?” Praveena stared at Ms Marrie surprised. How could Ms Marrie appreciate the juice when she was worrying about her father?

Smirking at Praveena’s astonished look, Ms Marrie said, “Think of it this way, Praveena. Why do you want to start this self help group in the first place?”

Praveena said nothing, waiting for Ms Marrie to finish her thought.

“Why?” Ms Marrie urged her with raised eyebrows.

“Er – ” Praveena thought. Could this be a question trap? “to help people – ” She stopped with that, but Ms Marrie still looked at her rather quizzically. She tried again, “To help people get over their addiction?” Praveena ended on a higher note, making a question out of a statement.

“Are you telling me or asking me?” Ms Marrie smiled crookedly.

“Er – I’m telling you.” Praveena responded quite uncertain, but giving a curt nod anyway.

Ms Marrie also nodded in approval. “Good.” She appreciated.

“What’s good?” Praveena asked, totally taken unawares.

“You are sure of what you want to do, even if you are not sure of how to do it,” Ms Marrie said, making Praveena put her hands on either side of her head. She continued smiling “You want to help people, but have you considered that these people you want to help, might actually not need it?” She spoke calmly, in a tone that one takes while reasoning with a troublesome first grader.

Praveena looked up at Ms Marrie, “What do you mean?” she asked perplexed.

“Look,” Ms Marrie explained wetting her lips, “Let’s just say, you find this drunkard. He gets drunk everyday and beats his wife wickedly.” Ms Marrie sighed before continuing, “you tell him true happiness lies in living in peace with his family, but all the happiness he knows comes from a bottle of alcohol. From his point of view, happiness is momentary. You may call him irresponsible, but he’s happy.”

Understanding dawned on Praveena’s face. Maybe Ms Marrie had a point, she thought as Ms Marrie continued, “Trying to help that kind of a person into recovery would only make him unhappy.” she shrugged.

Praveena thought about what Ms Marrie had said. She couldn’t disagree, but her inner voice wouldn’t completely agree either, “Not everyone’s like that though,” she said obstinately.

“That’s right,” Ms Marrie replied brusquely. “That’s only a possibility. Your father could be worried you would fail. It wouldn’t be easy for him, as a father.”

“Yeah,” Praveena took a deep sigh. She was still confused.

Chapter Thirty Seven: Diary Days

Dear Diary,

Why am I so annoyed? I can’t believe Pa. What has gotten into him? Wonder why he’s acting so like other people. It worries me, why is he suddenly just another common father? It’s keeping me awake all night, and I am not liking it.

What’s wrong with wanting to help people? Why does Pa suddenly hate people addicted to drugs? I wish I knew. And why is he conforming to pressure? I know for a fact that Aunt Kameela tried her best to convince Pa that I am a freak, but it seems to me like he has given in to those foolhardy thoughts. He’s worried about my marriage all of a sudden. Does he want me out of his hands? It’s so obvious that he thinks following my interest and starting a help group would be a huge barrier for my marriage. But I don’t care about it; why does he then?

I know, I know. He’s a father and he has his responsibilities. But why should he force his duties on me when I don’t even feel like bearing them?

This is insane. Pa cannot be so weak as to give up on his principles just because society doesn’t agree with it.

Why doesn’t he live by his beliefs, strong, and uninfluenced by explicit forces?

Diary, why do I get the feeling that Pa has become different now? He’s not the same person who told me to take my own decisions in life. He’s changed and wants me to follow in his wake. And I don’t want to.

I can’t hurt him by telling him he’s acting foolish. But that’s exactly what he is doing. I want him to believe in his own decisions.

He has begun to doubt that the freedom he gave me was a big mistake. I should show him that it is not so. But if I should do that, I have no choice but to get married. And even if I said ok, he would want me to marry Prem, because Aunt Kameela was the first one to suggest this whole marriage thing. And I will ever hate her for contaminating Pa’s mind. I can’t describe the hatred that ebbs through my veins even as I write this.

Pa is in an internal crisis just like I am. I understand that, but he doesn’t. Worst thing is, he thinks talking about it would hurt me. And I don’t want to hurt him either. It’s such a pointy knife and I don’t know which side I’m pointing at Pa. It scares me.

I so badly wish I had a clear view of things. I want to help Pa clear his conscience but I can’t figure out how. That’s bad. I know, I need sleep.

Talk later.

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how to explain it to Praveena, so I chose you instead. I love her more than anything, and I don’t know how to tell her that without feeling stupid.

Kameela was so annoyed. She chided me for not raising Praveena well, she told me I had given her stupid fancies and that I have encouraged her to question elders. I didn’t know that questioning adults was such a bad thing, I mean, we did it; Geetha and I. We rebelled against our families to get married. We tried explaining, and when they didn’t listen, we questioned their authority. And until recently, I believed Praveena had the right to do the same. I allowed her to do what she wanted in her life. That’s her right, right?

Kameela disagrees. I don’t care much about her, but my mother called the other day. She hadn’t spoken to me since Geetha and I got married. I was shocked when she called. And I didn’t like what she told me.

She told me I had destroyed Praveena’s life, just like I had destroyed Geetha’s. I was shocked. I didn’t destroy Geetha’s life; we were happy together. But she told me of I don’t controll Praveena, she would grow to question me someday. That’s when it stuck me.

I don’t mind her choosing her own path in life, it’s what others will name her. My mother thinks she’s out of control. My sister-in-law thinks she’s out of control. These are people who don’t even know her. What would the society speak of Praveena if she begins a drug addicts help centre? They would blame her, they would despise her. And I can’t see my daughter cowering in shame. What if she asks me why I hadn’t warned her earlier? How will I handle that?

I’m her father, I should have the responsibility to stop her when she’s on the wrong path.

But what pains me most is that I’m denying her the pleasure of doing something good. She is not doing the wrong thing; she only wants to do something that people would interpret wrongly. I am only worried for her future.

Geetha and I have long lived away from family and the prying eyes of society. I am worried that Praveena would go the same path. She is about to defy our family and friends. And if I stand by and watch, I’m thrusting her into the same future Geetha and I faced. And I don’t think she can take it.

But I can’t tell her that. She would argue, just as we did. And she would be right. But I have a feeling she would later regret her decisions; when she wants family she’d have no one. After all, we did it. But Geetha and I had each other and we didn’t regret because were happy together. But Praveena would be alone. If all fails, she would have no one but me. And our family — I hate every one of them, yes — will blame me for ruining a girl’s life, again. I just hope Praveena understands without hating me.
I’ve lost sleep.

Goodnight.

Chapter Thirty Six: A Lost Battle

Praveena hardly slept that night. Her heart felt heavy; a pain she could neither understand nor relieve herself of. She lay back on her bed, staring at the clean ceiling fan.

‘What’s the problem with Pa?’ her inner voice asked, indignant, ‘how could he behave like that?’ Rage pulsed in her veins, but at the same time, she felt sad her father had been so rash with her. In all these years, he had always been the tolerant and ever-supportive father other people envied. And that made it all the more difficult for Praveena to accept his sudden change.

She wondered about her plan. It wasn’t a bad one as far as she could think. In fact, she told herself, it was a good decision; a way of helping others. Why then, didn’t her father want her to proceed? It confused her, and her inner mind offered an explanation: ‘“I don’t want you associating with anymore drug addicts.” Maybe he was worried about your future’.

‘Perhaps,’ Praveena agreed, ‘but that’s no reason to say something like that’ she thought bitterly. She was disappointed with her father’s untimely change. She planned to confront him again the next day. She was determined to carry out her plans, and she would do it with her father’s consent.

When Praveena came down for breakfast the next day, her father sat in the couch, waiting. He was ready for work and was reading a local magazine, when he noted Praveena looked at him from the foot of the staircase. He smiled at her, it was a broad and friendly smile; the usual smile he always greeted her with.

“Hey, good morning!” he said as Praveena still stood staring at him. “I’ve got to go a little early today. Eat, and be safe. I’ll see you in the evening.” he said hurriedly, collecting his bag and motorcycle keys. “Bye darling,” he added as he made to shut the door behind him.

“Bye, Pa.” The door swung shut even before Praveena had finished her goodbye. She sat on the final stair and sighed. ‘That was odd,’ her inner voice observed. ‘looks like he avoided you.’

Praveena couldn’t think of it that way, but she knew her inner voice had a point. Kamal had acted like the last night’s events hadn’t happened at all. But the way he did it made Praveena suspect he was avoiding confrontation purposefully.

She sat there for a few minutes, mulling over her father’s peculiar behaviour until her stomach growled. Doubting if there would be any breakfast at all, Praveena went over to the dining room to find bread and peanut butter sandwiches by the toaster on the table. Surprised by her father’s unconditional love for her, she made toast, and appreciated the bread after a long time.

That evening, Kamal arrived later than usual. When he pushed the doorknob inward and entered the threshold, he saw Praveena sleeping on the couch an open book lying over her face. He tiptoed up to her, and took the book away from her face.

Sensing sudden movement, Praveena awoke with a jolt. “Oh,” she exclaimed breathlessly. “Pa! You’re back.” she said as she sat up to regain her breath. Kamal placed the book on the table and sat next to her on the couch.

“Did you have something for dinner?” he inquired in a softly curious voice.

Praveena shook her head. “I made dinner,” she yawned. “go freshen up, we’ll eat.”

Kamal obeyed without protest. They sat for dinner and Praveena filled her father’s plate. They ate in silence. Praveena expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, she spoke. “Thanks, Pa.” she said. Judging by his look, Praveena could tell she had confused him.
“What for?” he asked surprised.

“For the sandwiches this morning” Praveena replied. Kamal nodded in acknowledgment, but said nothing.

“Pa?”

Kamal looked up from his plate.

“Pa – about the organiza – ” Praveena began slowly, but Kamal overrode her.

“My word is final, Praveena. Your fancies are going too far and they are off reality.” He said it a little lightly, but the note of finality, that Praveena had recently became familiar, with was still there.

“They’re not off reality, Pa.” It irritated her that her father hadn’t understood her, but unable to express her annoyance at him, she pleaded instead.

“Yes they are, Praveena.” Kamal replied. His dinner lay forgotten and so was Praveena’s. “You fancy too much. That day, you told me you needed some time before marriage. I said nothing, hoping you would agree when Kameela tried to persuade you.”

Praveena’s eyes widened in horror. Her heart couldn’t believe what the mind registered. They were in conflict. Kamal was still speaking, “but you told her the same thing.” he sighed. “I understand, sometimes it’s alright to say what you feel, but you could have at least given her some respect.”

‘I did respect her!’ Praveena wanted to scream, but Kamal didn’t seem to expect a response. He went on, his voice heavy, “Kameela’s blaming me because you don’t even address her as ‘aunt’. She’s accusing me of not raising you properly.” Kamal sighed, looking at Praveena. She was lost for words. When she had spoken with aunt Kameela, she hadn’t felt like addressing her formally. She hadn’t known a simple matter like that would hurt her father so much. She sat with tears blurring her vision.

“What can I tell her, Praveena? Should I agree with her that I’ve given you too much freedom?” he took Praveena’s hand in his, “You are old enough to get married Praveena, but what you wish to do is help addicts recover. Bad idea, my darling.” He gently patted her arm, and she knew he had locked her. She needed to find a way through this emotional barrier before it became too late. ‘But how?’