For some weird reason, we associate busyness with productivity. But being busy has nothing whatsoever to do with productivity. Kierkegaard sure thinks so.
Tag: life
My Day, Every Day
I have a journal.
I used to write in it every day. But as time went by, I reduced my correspondence; unconsciously, I wrote on it only when I got too stressed, too sad, or upset over something.
What began as a medium of sharing my life, soon became a medium to vent. And then I realized, that’s not how you treat a diary.
My diary is my friend, and what’s the difference between me and other people if I’m using my diary only to complain?
And then I read in another blog about the good things the author had in her life. That’s when it hit me: I’m not pathetic; I have a life, and a thumping good one too.
People might think all I ever do — from 7 to 7 —is sit in my place and stare into my laptop, but no one knows how much there’s within my screen.
I read some excellent and funny articles on McSweeny’s, I watch food porn on Facebook, I chat with friends from far away, I share a photo status, I write a blog post or two, I read a few blogs, I comment on some more, I like plenty. Then I go for a coffee break, and I get back, hating myself for not sticking to the ‘drink less caffeine’ rule. Chiding myself, I get on with work — because I have to be sincere to what I earn — and then in the middle of it, I leave for a quiet lunch with a colleague, then some tea, and more Facebook, and again my personal blog, a little bit of reading, editing, writing, and rewriting.
And all the while, my headphones never come off.
And then as the sun sets, I leave for dinner and then back home. I take a good twenty minutes to relax and get out of the office-mood, and lying on my bed, I unwind — for now, with Jane Austen’s Persuasion.
What do I have to complain?
Chapter Twenty Six: Getting Along
“I’m amazed, Praveena.” It was James’ class on a Thursday evening. He had just appreciated one of her drawings in front of the whole class. She had forgotten she had cast her drawing inside her assignment essay, and James had happened to come across it. Praveena felt her face redden. She hadn’t expected this reaction from James.
She had drawn three stallions grazing a green meadow. She had thought of Niveda, Anil, and herself while drawing the picture. ‘Maybe that is why it looks so good’, she thought. Three stallions, away from civilization; away from the people who would hurt them. She had such strong feelings that it had reflected in her drawing, even without her realizing it.
When she took her seat, Anil whispered, “nice one.” She smiled. The two of them tried to act as if they had gotten over Niveda, when neither hadn’t. They did it for each other despite knowing it was obvious.
College went back to normal in a few days. For them, it was an excitement of a holiday and a day of supposed mourning. They all went back to their studies and examinations. The second year drew to a close, and students and teachers alike clamoured the corridors clarifying doubts and exchanging last minute notes.
Praveena, oblivious to all that, could neither concentrate on her subjects or sleep. Those days of youthful sleeplessness threatened to take her over again. She longed to speak to someone, she wanted the comfort Ms Marrie had given her. She wanted to hear herself speak the truth. That was the hard part; even though her mind knew Niveda would never come back to sit by her side laughing, her heart still clung to that thin rope of hope. Speaking the truth out loud would mean accepting the inevitable, and it would break her heart. She shuddered every time she thought of Niveda. She spent weekends in her room all alone, staring into space lost in her thoughts about Niveda.
Anil tried calling her, though she wouldn’t respond. Whenever she answered him, she’d put him off with some excuse or the other.
Anil grew worried and scared at her sinister behaviour. He told James about Praveena’s condition and James asked her to meet him.
“What’s happening Praveena? You seem unlike yourself, I hear,” they were in James’ room, and Praveena had her eyes cast down.
“I’m not myself anymore” she mumbled.
“Neither are we.”
Praveena looked up, surprised. James looked at her, with a look that meant what he had said.
“I’m not asking you to forget it, Praveena. Just learn to live with it.” Praveena looked confused.
“Accept the fact and go on with your life. It doesn’t stop for anyone.”
Even years afterward, Praveena would consider that as the best piece of advice she had ever received. Simple truth.
So Praveena tried to take the advice. She realised the difficulty in getting over a loss, but she tried. She attended the final exams, and left home for the term end holidays. She was looking forward to a few good solitary days.
Praveena was leaving Bangalore; she was going home, home to Chennai, and her lonely father. She was glad to get away from college. She needed a break, and she expected good couple of weeks. She had ten days of freedom; freedom from college, lecturers, pity stares, and assignments. She arrived at the Chennai Central Railway station with high hopes. And there he stood waiting, her father. Looking older than she remembered him, making her realize that even as she grew older, so did her father. It came as quite a shock; she hadn’t seen Kamal for nearly half a year, she had been too involved with Niveda and her treatment – ‘Okay, don’t go there!’ her inner voice interrupted sternly.
“Hi, Pa. How are you?” Drained of energy, she gave him a weak hug. Something in Kamal’s embrace comforted her more than anything had had in the past few months.
She hadn’t told Kamal of Niveda’s addiction and suicide. She had told him all about their friendship, but decided not to open up the sad part. She didn’t know if she could handle saying it out aloud. Now though, she knew she had to. She wondered how he would react. Kamal wasn’t the type of father who would shower his daughter with too much concern, but he would take it seriously. ‘Not Ma, though’ her inner voice reminded her. ‘Yes’ she silently agreed. Her mother would have taken it in a different manner. She would have offered suggestions to help Niveda. Her mother had been a good friend, a place Niveda took over. They were both great companionship. Except they were dead. Gone.
“Shall we?” Kamal stepped aside, gesturing Praveena to take the lead. She did. As Kamal drove the motorcycle, Praveena enjoyed the ride. It was early in the morning, the streets dust and smoke-free. As they drove past the tall buildings, Praveena felt the cold wintry breeze playing across her face, making her locks bounce in ecstasy. Praveena thought back to her first weekend in college, when she had stood facing the green valley, letting the wind kiss her face. She thought back to the day she and Niveda, along with Anil, had sat on the grass looking on, savoring a moment of bliss. Those were memories that wet her eyes.
When they reached home, Kamal turned to her, “what do you want for breakfast?” He became excited, clapping his hands and walking with a spring in his step.
“Anything, Pa” she shrugged, smiling. Kamal nodded and left for the kitchen, whistling her favourite song.
Praveena smiled to herself. She was happy that she had got to spend time with her father. She spoke to him over the phone quite a lot, but her physical presence meant a lot to Kamal, and Praveena knew that. ‘Pa, looks dull,’ her inner voice observed. ‘talk to him,’ it urged.
Praveena didn’t know what to say. Niveda was the only thing on her mind, and the guilt that she hadn’t told her father about almost being expelled.
She followed him to the kitchen.
National Blog Posting Month – Day 30
Knowing Thyself
I came across this quote on Pinterest. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I’m a Sylvia fan. I even have a separate board on Pinterest on her quotes.
I saw this a few days ago, and the simplicity of it hit me harder than anything else.
How are you supposed to know anyone else, when you don’t know yourself? We’ve all had that feeling — that sense of being lost in our own hollow self — and Sylvia has put it into words like no other.
Last night, I watched Sylvia, the 2003 movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Daniel Craig. And there’s only one way to describe it: haunting. If you’re a lover of words, I recommend you watch this movie. You will not regret it.
National Blog Posting Month – Day 29
Chapter Twenty Four: Letting Go
Niveda began enjoying her day to day activities. The lack of college work lightened her mood. Every evening, as Praveena finished her daily assignments, Niveda sat with her, helping her out and sharing random conversations.
One day their History of Psychology professor, Mr Brown, questioned Niveda.
“You girl!” He exclaimed at her. He had quite a bad memory when it came to students’ names. “James told me you were doing some assignment for him,” he shook his head showing his disapproval. “What’s that about?” He peered hard at her through his round glasses.
Niveda stood up wondering what to say. She glanced at Praveena who looked back at her mutely, egging her to come up with a convincing lie.
“Er — ” Niveda began, “I’m doing a research on—er—I’m analyzing the greatest psychological experiments, and writing a paper suggesting alternative experimentation methods.” she smiled weakly.
“Experimental psychology, hmm…” Mr Brown nodded, wondering. “I thought it was the psychological effects of experiments on subjects?” He stared at her over the top of his glasses, as if he had caught her red handed doing something illegal, “that’s what James told me.” He added tilting his head to a side, a nasty grin playing on his lips.
“Er—yes, that too—Sir” Niveda added as an after thought. Praveena noticed her swallow hard. She couldn’t manage a lie without squirming with fear and insult.
“Oh, really?”
Anil stared at Mr Brown with contempt. “He doesn’t buy it,” he whispered to Praveena. She looked at Mr Brown who threw a crooked smile at Niveda.
“Sit.” He barked at her, who cowered with fear.
Praveena was a little astonished to see Niveda react the way she did. She would always speak back and bite anyone who dared to insult her. Praveena saw Niveda wasn’t the same anymore; she had changed a lot, giving in to others to stamp her down. ‘Could it be an effect of the drugs?’ She wondered.
After class, the three friends sat in the canteen discussing the event.
“It was so unlike you, Niveda.” Praveena voiced her thoughts. Anil turned to her disapprovingly. She shouldn’t have said that.
“I know,” Niveda said miserably. She hung her head. “I got scared. For some stupid reason. I feel like a coward. I couldn’t even face the old toad.”
Anil held her hand and smiled reassuringly. “No you’re not,” he said. “You’re very brave, you’re fighting this — this — thing, when the others are worrying about facing the exams. You’re braver than the whole lot of them.” He finished with a smile, and so did Praveena. Niveda, however, still looked unconvinced.
That night, Niveda sat on her bed, sleepless. Praveena lay awake as well. They were quiet, each lost in her own thoughts. Praveena had a sudden urge to speak to Ms Marrie. It had been long time since they had spoken with each other. Though Praveena had never accepted it, Ms Marrie had been a second mother to her. She remembered Ms Marrie telling her about getting married. She wondered if the marriage was over. She picked up her phone. She called Ms Marrie, but she disconnected the call when the phone had rung twice. ‘No,’ she thought. It was almost midnight, and Ms Marrie would be asleep now.
With a deep sigh, she put her phone away, and as she did, she saw Niveda meddling with her phone. She was messaging someone. ‘That’s odd,’ Praveena thought. She had never seen Niveda messaging anyone before. ‘but then again,’ her inner voice piped, ‘you had never seen her doing drugs either.’ She shut the voice down.
“Niveda?” she spoke softly a little uncertain.
“Hmm?” Niveda responded without looking up.
“You’re texting someone?” Praveena asked trying hard to keep the astonishment out of her voice.
Niveda looked up. Her eyes reflected confusion. “Yeah,” she snapped. Praveena remained silent. Then Niveda cast her phone away lazily and said in a plain voice, “I felt like talking to my mother.”
“Oh,” Praveen’s eyes widened. “Oh, that’s — that’s good.” She said. ‘What had she expected? That Niveda was messaging someone else?’ She should have known better than to suspect anything sinister.
“Sorry,” She apologized, “I thought — ” She began, but Niveda cut in with a simple, “Never mind.”
“So,” Praveena continued now a bit happier, “what did your Mom say?”
“She told me to go to hell,” Niveda shook her head in exasperation. Praveena couldn’t believe her ears. How could a mother say something like that? “And you know what I said?” Niveda continued, turning to face Praveena, her eyes sparkling. When Praveena shook her head, she said “I said, ‘I will’.”
Praveena stared at Niveda, now scared. ‘What’s got into her?’ She wondered.
“Come on now, Niveda — ” she began, but Niveda interrupted again.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t mean it.” Even in the dim light of the night lamp, Praveena could make out Niveda’s crooked smile.
Praveena didn’t say a thing for a while. “Okay,” she said at last. “Good night.”
“Good night. Sleep tight.” Niveda smiled widely, lay down on her bed, and turned over to the other side.
“Yeah…” Praveena trailed off as she pulled the sheet over her.
Praveena woke up early the next morning. It was Friday and she was expecting a good weekend. She turned to Niveda. Seeing her lying face down on the pillow, Praveena let her sleep a little more.
She left the bed and got ready. Twenty minutes later, she was combing her hair when she realized Niveda was still asleep. Putting her comb down, Praveena went over to wake Niveda up.
“Niveda?” she called tentatively touching her shoulder. That’s when she saw Niveda’s sheets wet. With ‘blood,’ she realized a split second later. Horrified, she turned Niveda over and saw her bleeding on her slashed arm. Paralyzed with shock, Praveena opened her mouth to shout for help, but no sound came out. She ran away from the room in panic and banged on the warden’s door nearby. Seeing a hysterical Praveena, pointing towards her room, the old lady led Praveena back to the room. There on the bed, they found Niveda’s body, lifeless.
National Blog Posting Month – Day 27
The Chaos Within 