Tag: marriage

Chapter Thirty Seven: Diary Days

Dear Diary,

Why am I so annoyed? I can’t believe Pa. What has gotten into him? Wonder why he’s acting so like other people. It worries me, why is he suddenly just another common father? It’s keeping me awake all night, and I am not liking it.

What’s wrong with wanting to help people? Why does Pa suddenly hate people addicted to drugs? I wish I knew. And why is he conforming to pressure? I know for a fact that Aunt Kameela tried her best to convince Pa that I am a freak, but it seems to me like he has given in to those foolhardy thoughts. He’s worried about my marriage all of a sudden. Does he want me out of his hands? It’s so obvious that he thinks following my interest and starting a help group would be a huge barrier for my marriage. But I don’t care about it; why does he then?

I know, I know. He’s a father and he has his responsibilities. But why should he force his duties on me when I don’t even feel like bearing them?

This is insane. Pa cannot be so weak as to give up on his principles just because society doesn’t agree with it.

Why doesn’t he live by his beliefs, strong, and uninfluenced by explicit forces?

Diary, why do I get the feeling that Pa has become different now? He’s not the same person who told me to take my own decisions in life. He’s changed and wants me to follow in his wake. And I don’t want to.

I can’t hurt him by telling him he’s acting foolish. But that’s exactly what he is doing. I want him to believe in his own decisions.

He has begun to doubt that the freedom he gave me was a big mistake. I should show him that it is not so. But if I should do that, I have no choice but to get married. And even if I said ok, he would want me to marry Prem, because Aunt Kameela was the first one to suggest this whole marriage thing. And I will ever hate her for contaminating Pa’s mind. I can’t describe the hatred that ebbs through my veins even as I write this.

Pa is in an internal crisis just like I am. I understand that, but he doesn’t. Worst thing is, he thinks talking about it would hurt me. And I don’t want to hurt him either. It’s such a pointy knife and I don’t know which side I’m pointing at Pa. It scares me.

I so badly wish I had a clear view of things. I want to help Pa clear his conscience but I can’t figure out how. That’s bad. I know, I need sleep.

Talk later.

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how to explain it to Praveena, so I chose you instead. I love her more than anything, and I don’t know how to tell her that without feeling stupid.

Kameela was so annoyed. She chided me for not raising Praveena well, she told me I had given her stupid fancies and that I have encouraged her to question elders. I didn’t know that questioning adults was such a bad thing, I mean, we did it; Geetha and I. We rebelled against our families to get married. We tried explaining, and when they didn’t listen, we questioned their authority. And until recently, I believed Praveena had the right to do the same. I allowed her to do what she wanted in her life. That’s her right, right?

Kameela disagrees. I don’t care much about her, but my mother called the other day. She hadn’t spoken to me since Geetha and I got married. I was shocked when she called. And I didn’t like what she told me.

She told me I had destroyed Praveena’s life, just like I had destroyed Geetha’s. I was shocked. I didn’t destroy Geetha’s life; we were happy together. But she told me of I don’t controll Praveena, she would grow to question me someday. That’s when it stuck me.

I don’t mind her choosing her own path in life, it’s what others will name her. My mother thinks she’s out of control. My sister-in-law thinks she’s out of control. These are people who don’t even know her. What would the society speak of Praveena if she begins a drug addicts help centre? They would blame her, they would despise her. And I can’t see my daughter cowering in shame. What if she asks me why I hadn’t warned her earlier? How will I handle that?

I’m her father, I should have the responsibility to stop her when she’s on the wrong path.

But what pains me most is that I’m denying her the pleasure of doing something good. She is not doing the wrong thing; she only wants to do something that people would interpret wrongly. I am only worried for her future.

Geetha and I have long lived away from family and the prying eyes of society. I am worried that Praveena would go the same path. She is about to defy our family and friends. And if I stand by and watch, I’m thrusting her into the same future Geetha and I faced. And I don’t think she can take it.

But I can’t tell her that. She would argue, just as we did. And she would be right. But I have a feeling she would later regret her decisions; when she wants family she’d have no one. After all, we did it. But Geetha and I had each other and we didn’t regret because were happy together. But Praveena would be alone. If all fails, she would have no one but me. And our family — I hate every one of them, yes — will blame me for ruining a girl’s life, again. I just hope Praveena understands without hating me.
I’ve lost sleep.

Goodnight.

Chapter Thirty Six: A Lost Battle

Praveena hardly slept that night. Her heart felt heavy; a pain she could neither understand nor relieve herself of. She lay back on her bed, staring at the clean ceiling fan.

‘What’s the problem with Pa?’ her inner voice asked, indignant, ‘how could he behave like that?’ Rage pulsed in her veins, but at the same time, she felt sad her father had been so rash with her. In all these years, he had always been the tolerant and ever-supportive father other people envied. And that made it all the more difficult for Praveena to accept his sudden change.

She wondered about her plan. It wasn’t a bad one as far as she could think. In fact, she told herself, it was a good decision; a way of helping others. Why then, didn’t her father want her to proceed? It confused her, and her inner mind offered an explanation: ‘“I don’t want you associating with anymore drug addicts.” Maybe he was worried about your future’.

‘Perhaps,’ Praveena agreed, ‘but that’s no reason to say something like that’ she thought bitterly. She was disappointed with her father’s untimely change. She planned to confront him again the next day. She was determined to carry out her plans, and she would do it with her father’s consent.

When Praveena came down for breakfast the next day, her father sat in the couch, waiting. He was ready for work and was reading a local magazine, when he noted Praveena looked at him from the foot of the staircase. He smiled at her, it was a broad and friendly smile; the usual smile he always greeted her with.

“Hey, good morning!” he said as Praveena still stood staring at him. “I’ve got to go a little early today. Eat, and be safe. I’ll see you in the evening.” he said hurriedly, collecting his bag and motorcycle keys. “Bye darling,” he added as he made to shut the door behind him.

“Bye, Pa.” The door swung shut even before Praveena had finished her goodbye. She sat on the final stair and sighed. ‘That was odd,’ her inner voice observed. ‘looks like he avoided you.’

Praveena couldn’t think of it that way, but she knew her inner voice had a point. Kamal had acted like the last night’s events hadn’t happened at all. But the way he did it made Praveena suspect he was avoiding confrontation purposefully.

She sat there for a few minutes, mulling over her father’s peculiar behaviour until her stomach growled. Doubting if there would be any breakfast at all, Praveena went over to the dining room to find bread and peanut butter sandwiches by the toaster on the table. Surprised by her father’s unconditional love for her, she made toast, and appreciated the bread after a long time.

That evening, Kamal arrived later than usual. When he pushed the doorknob inward and entered the threshold, he saw Praveena sleeping on the couch an open book lying over her face. He tiptoed up to her, and took the book away from her face.

Sensing sudden movement, Praveena awoke with a jolt. “Oh,” she exclaimed breathlessly. “Pa! You’re back.” she said as she sat up to regain her breath. Kamal placed the book on the table and sat next to her on the couch.

“Did you have something for dinner?” he inquired in a softly curious voice.

Praveena shook her head. “I made dinner,” she yawned. “go freshen up, we’ll eat.”

Kamal obeyed without protest. They sat for dinner and Praveena filled her father’s plate. They ate in silence. Praveena expected him to say something, but when he didn’t, she spoke. “Thanks, Pa.” she said. Judging by his look, Praveena could tell she had confused him.
“What for?” he asked surprised.

“For the sandwiches this morning” Praveena replied. Kamal nodded in acknowledgment, but said nothing.

“Pa?”

Kamal looked up from his plate.

“Pa – about the organiza – ” Praveena began slowly, but Kamal overrode her.

“My word is final, Praveena. Your fancies are going too far and they are off reality.” He said it a little lightly, but the note of finality, that Praveena had recently became familiar, with was still there.

“They’re not off reality, Pa.” It irritated her that her father hadn’t understood her, but unable to express her annoyance at him, she pleaded instead.

“Yes they are, Praveena.” Kamal replied. His dinner lay forgotten and so was Praveena’s. “You fancy too much. That day, you told me you needed some time before marriage. I said nothing, hoping you would agree when Kameela tried to persuade you.”

Praveena’s eyes widened in horror. Her heart couldn’t believe what the mind registered. They were in conflict. Kamal was still speaking, “but you told her the same thing.” he sighed. “I understand, sometimes it’s alright to say what you feel, but you could have at least given her some respect.”

‘I did respect her!’ Praveena wanted to scream, but Kamal didn’t seem to expect a response. He went on, his voice heavy, “Kameela’s blaming me because you don’t even address her as ‘aunt’. She’s accusing me of not raising you properly.” Kamal sighed, looking at Praveena. She was lost for words. When she had spoken with aunt Kameela, she hadn’t felt like addressing her formally. She hadn’t known a simple matter like that would hurt her father so much. She sat with tears blurring her vision.

“What can I tell her, Praveena? Should I agree with her that I’ve given you too much freedom?” he took Praveena’s hand in his, “You are old enough to get married Praveena, but what you wish to do is help addicts recover. Bad idea, my darling.” He gently patted her arm, and she knew he had locked her. She needed to find a way through this emotional barrier before it became too late. ‘But how?’

Chapter Thirty One: Yet Another Reunion

Praveena replayed her conversation with aunt Kameela before realising the one thing that bothered her more than any other: Aunt Kameela had said college was to prepare her for marriage. Had the other students known this earlier?

So had they spent three years in college just to gain the mental maturity that they would need to raise a family in future? It distressed her. Now it explained the goofing-around that most students had done all the time.

“But that’s how things are,” she could imagine aunt Kameela’s argument. Now that she thought of it, she remembered her female lecturers mentioning something like that. They had said college was the most important part of their lives because that’s when they could enjoy their lives as they wished. ‘But,’ her inner voice interrupted, ‘remember what James said? He said, “Enjoy life, guys. After three years here, you deserve it!” See? Joy isn’t limited to college — or anything else.’

Praveena took a deep breath. ‘Alright,’ she thought. She needed a break from this confusion. She decided to put the matter to rest. Meanwhile, she knew what she needed: a talk with Ms Marrie.

Praveena dialed Ms Marrie’s number. After years of not being able to reach her, this time, Praveena heard Ms Marrie’s voice on the other side.

“Hello?” Ms Marrie said in exasperation. ‘She must have had a tough day at school,’ Praveena thought before answering.

“Hi, Ms Marrie. It’s Praveena.” She realized Ms Marrie wouldn’t have recognised her new number. When she replied after a little hesitation, Ms Marrie was surprised. “Praveena!” she exclaimed, sounding quite unhappy. “What’s up?” Praveena detected no enthusiasm.

She was taken aback. She had thought Ms Marrie would be happy she had called. What had she done to offend Ms Marrie? She wanted to find out.

“Er — Miss, can I meet you?”

There was a pause. Praveena realized Ms Marrie was debating with herself, ‘why though?’, she wondered.

At last, she responded. “Alright,” Ms Marrie said heaving a sigh. “Lunch today?”

Smiling wide, “Sure, Miss” Praveena responded, the excitement showing in her voice.

“Okay then. How about Green Leaf restaurant, at one?”

Praveena agreed and Ms Marrie disconnected the call.

She arrived at the Green Leaf restaurant at 12.45. It was a bright Thursday afternoon and the hotel had the blinds drawn to create a dull and quiet ambiance. Praveena liked the surrounding. It was appetising and welcoming. She sipped on her second glass of orange juice when Ms Marrie walked over and took a seat facing her.

There was such a difference in Ms Marrie. As a student, Praveena had admired Ms Marries quick and noiseless strides. It was still noiseless, but Ms Marrie walked much slower now. Her long dark hair was now short and Praveena saw streaks of grey. Her eyes too were sunken, and appeared sad. She had combed her hair carelessly and wore a modest floral white sari that complimented her dark complexion. ‘She’s pretty,’ Praveena thought, ‘except her eyes,’ her inner voice added.

Ms Marrie broke into her thoughts, “Hello, Praveena.” It was a plain and blunt greeting. There was no emotion or a welcoming tone in her greeting, and that bothered Praveena.

“Hello, Miss. How are you?” Praveena didn’t let her thoughts hinder her compassion for Ms Marrie.

“I’m good, and you?” Praveena grew irritated. Ms Marrie smiled, but Praveena only saw formality in the smile; the concern she was used to had gone. ‘Something is wrong,’ she realized. ‘This is so unlike Ms Marrie,’ her inner voice helped.

“Is something wrong, Miss? You sound so stiff and uncomfortable,” she leant forward, her voice soft. “Much like the way I was after my mother died.” she observed as an after thought.

Ms Marrie said nothing. But Praveena watched, distressed, as Ms Marrie’s eyes swelled with tears. She blinked them away.

Praveena raised her eyes at Marrie, “What happened Miss?”

Ms Marrie shook her head in reply and smiled, a warmer smile than before, “I’m glad you thought of talking to me.”

Praveena could see Ms Marrie was hiding something, but she decided not to bring it up. Instead, she said, “I tried calling you many times over the past three years, but I couldn’t reach you.”

“Oh,” Ms Marrie exclaimed, apologetic, “my phone’s been giving me a lot of trouble lately.” She smiled again. “So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Oh, nothing important,” Praveena lied just as easily as Ms Marrie. “So,” she asked “shall we order?”

They ordered their meals and while they waited, “How’s your husband, Miss?” Praveena asked instinctively.

Ms Marrie gave her a long hard look before saying flatly, “he’s dead.”

Praveena shock showed all over her face; her eyes widened and her mouth opened in a fit of silent disbelief. How could such a thing happen to her beloved Ms Marrie? “When?” she could hardly get the words out of her dry mouth. Her voice came out as a whisper. Though she had never met Ms Marrie’s husband, she was knew it was a love marriage.

“It’s been three years,” Ms Marrie smiled through the tears peeking through her eye lids. “He met with an accident — the day before the marriage.” Praveena hadn’t asked for the details, but Ms Marrie told her anyway. Praveena knew it would have been difficult for Marrie to speak of the matter. She swallowed the pity she felt for Ms Marrie. She knew her teacher hated it when others pitied her, and Praveena didn’t want to hurt her further. She remained silent.

Their lunch arrived, but Praveena didn’t feel like eating anymore. Ms Marrie however, started eating and gestured Praveena to do the same. As Praveena tried to munch on her meal, ignoring the lump in her throat, Ms Marrie spoke.

“You know,” Praveena looked up at her, “I was cut off from people after Kevin – he was my fiancé – died. I shut my emotions and became cold towards others. I wanted somebody to blame, and I couldn’t tolerate it when I couldn’t do that. That’s why I didn’t attend your calls.” She smiled at Praveena’s look of disappointment. “But, when you reminded me I was being like you used to be, I realize that it’s time for me to leave the past behind.” She smiled broadly now. The tears were gone.

“Thanks a lot, Praveena.”

Chapter Thirty: Relative Trouble

Praveena enjoyed her leisure time. She didn’t do much the first couple of days; she ate well and gave herself a lot of rest. ‘You deserve it,’ her inner voice convinced her it wasn’t laziness.

A week later, Kamal mentioned Aunt Kameela. “Hey, I forgot to tell you,” he began with an enthusiastic greeting. “Kameela called yesterday,” he lowered his pitch a notch at Praveena’s look. She didn’t care about aunt Kameela, and it showed well on her face. He continued, “She asked me what you decided.” He hesitated. “And…” He haltered, worried about Praveena’s reaction. “She said she’d speak to you,” he looked up at her, wondering.

Praveena said nothing however. Kamal knew she was irritated. But he had wanted to convey the news; he didn’t like the idea of Kameela catching Praveena unprepared.

Praveena’s remained impassive. But fumed within. Glad that her father had warned her beforehand, she smiled musing on the prospect of giving aunt Kameela a piece of her mind. This should be interesting, she thought.

“You’re smiling,” Kamal observed.

“Yeah,” Praveena said defensively. “If she wants to ask me why I don’t want to marry her son, I’ll tell her why,” she said tauntingly.

Kamal looked a bit worried now, “Well,” he shrugged, “you know what to do, just remember, she is your mother’s sister” he said. “In a way,” he added in haste, catching Praveena’s disbelieving look.

“No worries, Pa. I’ll take care.” she smiled mischievously.

That evening, aunt Kameela called Praveena.

“Hello, Praveena!” aunt Kameela sang in her sugary voice. Praveena could imagine her wide smile on the other side, displayed all of her vain betel stained teeth. She was thankful aunt Kameela hadn’t decided to come over in person. It had been difficult enough the last time, a second encounter could have ended disastrous, Praveena thought.

“Hi, aunt Kameela, how are you? How’s everyone at home?” Praveena planned to stick to the conventional basics. She did not need a lecture on that.

“Oh, everything here’s alright of course,” aunt Kameela replied lighthearted. Praveena couldn’t help but notice the extra emphasis on the word ‘here.’ It was easy to discern the route of the conversation. She decided to wait for it however. If Kameela was going to confront her, Praveena didn’t want to help her by opening the matter herself.

“Oh, that’s good.” Praveena tried hard to bring a smile in her voice. She wondered if it conveyed when aunt Kameela replied.

“But things are not so ok over there, is it?” Praveena hated the way Kameela spoke. She used the same annoying tone she had had at her mother’s funeral; the tone of talking to an over emotional preschooler.

“There’s nothing like that,” Praveena shrugged, more out of habit before realizing aunt Kameela couldn’t see her.

“Your father told me everything, Praveena” she said slowly as if to emphasize that her knowledge wasn’t useless.

“What did he say?” Praveena was now getting curious. How much of their conversation would have Pa told her? She was still lost when Kameela’s strong voice bombarded her thoughts.

“Why don’t you like to marry Prem?”

‘Finally!’ thought Praveena.

“It’s not that I don’t like Prem,” she tried to make it sound right. “It’s just that I’m not ready for marriage. I need some time.”

“But, why?” There was hones curiosity in Aunt Jameela’s voice.

“I need to mentally prepare myself” Praveena remained patient. She needed to get the thoughts out of her head. She was glad she got an opportunity to express herself.

“That’s what college was for,” Praveena imagined Kameela’s earnest and confused face. But after listening to what Kameela just said, Praveena was a little surprised. She had been wondering the purpose of her formal education. ‘Was that supposed to mentally prepare you for marriage?’ her inner voice probed her, disgusted. ‘So, it wasn’t for the knowledge?’ She was crestfallen.

“Praveena? You there?” aunt Kameela yelled from the other side.

“Yes, yes. I’m listening” Praveena realized she had been silent for a while and spoke in hurry.

“I was saying, that after college –- or maybe a couple years after work — girls settle down and raise a family.” She took a deep breath. “And since you’re not planning on working, I thought — “ she left the thought hanging.

Praveena remained silent, reflecting on aunt Kameela’s statement. How easily she had said it! Praveena couldn’t accept it. Aunt Kameela’s voice interrupted her thoughts again.

“Alright, Praveena. You think about it. Bye,” Aunt Kameela disconnected the line even before Praveena could react.

Praveena wondered if her long periods of silence had offended aunt Kameela. ‘So what if it had?’ her inner voice reasoned. And Praveena agreed.

“After college — or maybe after a couple years of work — girls settle down and raise their families.”

Aunt Kameela’s words haunted Praveena. She still couldn’t accept it. Her mind raced. Why had it become such a common notion? She had seen women who worked. But, she thought. Almost all of the working women she had known had already been married, even Ms Marrie — wait — ‘what could have happened to Ms Marrie?’

She was curious. She wanted to know if Ms Marrie had been married. ‘Of course she would’ve married’ her inner voice said, exasperated.

‘But, why didn’t she invite you?’ it was now the second voice.

While her two inner voices imposed contradictory theories, Praveena tried focusing on the bigger matter: Why did girls marry after a certain stage and start living for another person altogether? It sounded as if a girl’s final destination was marriage, as if they don’t have the freedom to choose a life after that.

Praveena wondered whether it was right to limit a girl’s potential after marriage. She knew a lot of women who had chosen their own careers, even after marriage. They didn’t think marriage was the stop point. For them, marriage meant companionship and fellowship, and a family was moral support.

Marriage is just a part of a woman’s life and not the end of it, she concluded as she sat cross-legged on her bed.

Aunt Kameela and her son Prem would disagree, she thought. They were an orthodox family who expected people to behave just like them. Living there would be a pain, for them and her. ‘That family is certainly not for you.’ she decided.