Chapter Twenty Eight: Education Burdens

“Keep in mind everyone, once you graduate, you’ll become an integral part of society.” It was another one of those lectures that the final year students had to sit through. The lecturer was their principal. They had a lot of those nowadays. The principal spoke most of the time, but occasionally, they invited famous pep speakers to give guest lectures. It was a routine torture for the final years. Old people talking, and insisting about the importance of higher education and the social recognition it creates.

A lot of students grew annoyed every time this happened; a handful of students felt higher education was just an excuse to live off their parents’ money. A few others had had enough of text books and studying. They wanted to move on, and start living their lives.

Some others paid attention to every little detail of the lectures. They considered higher formal education, and MBA seemed like a good idea. They were most of the rich people who had access to mounds of gold their parents and grandparents had preserved. But they were just a small group.

The majority, like Praveena, had decided to end their formal education. Praveena felt as if college had taken over the best years of her life; that she was spending her life being miserable, by choice, when she could have done something meaningful. She now thought about it a lot. She wondered of the future, and what it would hold for her. She had always evaded thinking ahead, but now the time was ripe to make some serious plans — ‘and a few contingency plans too’ her inner voice added. She remained undecided though.

Anil had decided to do his MBA; he had decided to remain in Bangalore. He wanted to take on a part time job and fend for himself — at least a portion of his personal expenses.

“What would you do?” Anil asked one day as they sat in the canteen, having lunch.

Praveena shrugged. She knew she should have made a decision by now, but she couldn’t make her mind up. The thought of graduating without Niveda still disturbed her. “Stay at home for some time, maybe. Have some fun, until I come up with something.” she said hoping for something of another holiday. Anil didn’t seem to think likewise.

“You going to settle down?” he asked, looking disappointed.

“Ya, I’m thinking,” she said unsure “for a while.”

Anil almost laughed. “I was talking about marriage, you idiot!” he tried to control his laughter, and failing.

“Oh,” Praveena smiled sheepishly, “nope, not marriage.” she said, and added indignantly “I’m too young for that!” Anil laughed with her.

“So,” he probed again, once the laughter had died down, “you’re going to stay home, for a while?”

Praveena nodded chewing on her lunch, not saying anything.

As Praveena’s final exams approached, she couldn’t miss the tension and the excitement that was obvious in almost every soul in the college. The teachers were the most happy with the end of the course. They often referred to Praveena’s batch as the worst batch they had had to teach. Niveda’s issue had been an added negative for them to cling on to. They showed their eagerness to be rid of the troublesome batch.

The students were on par with the teachers in terms of joy. There were plenty of goodbye parties in the hostels. From the girls’ hostel, Praveena could hear the racket coming from the boys’ hostel. It was the same every night. These parties usually happened after the exams, some seniors had told her, but this time, the parties had begun way ahead. She too felt like putting her book down and partying. Knowing they would be free after this one final exam made it all the more difficult to concentrate. Praveena’s mind kept wandering to the enjoying phase after the exams.

She forced herself to study. ‘One last time,’ convincing herself.

The final paper of the final exam was upon them. That morning, Anil and Praveena met in the canteen as usual and had an unusual, quiet breakfast. Praveena was feeling plenty of emotions at the same time. She was happy college life had come to a close. She was reluctant to leave Bangalore; she had enjoyed the city’s refreshing climate. She would leave Anil behind, and that was painful too. He had been her closest friend and only comfort after Niveda. She was thankful to him for staying by her side, throughout the tough episodes of Niveda’s treatment and death.

But most of all, it was the thought of Niveda. During the first year, when Praveena was just beginning to get accustomed to Niveda’s regular chatter, she would imagine themselves graduating together, and then remaining friends for life. Every time she thought of it, she wanted to weep. She cast the thought aside, deciding instead, to focus on her sandwich.

“Last day,” Anil observed. He sneaked a look at Praveena to catch her reaction. “Yeah,” She nodded as memories swivelled in her head.

They finished the exam, and met again for a quiet lunch.

“I’ll miss you, Praveena” Anil said flatly. “You are my best friend, you know.” he pursed his lips in a tight smile.

Praveena looked at him, a long calculating look. She knew she would miss him too, more than she could say.

“Me too,” she ended the conversation.

Chapter Twenty Six: Getting Along

“I’m amazed, Praveena.” It was James’ class on a Thursday evening. He had just appreciated one of her drawings in front of the whole class. She had forgotten she had cast her drawing inside her assignment essay, and James had happened to come across it. Praveena felt her face redden. She hadn’t expected this reaction from James.

She had drawn three stallions grazing a green meadow. She had thought of Niveda, Anil, and herself while drawing the picture. ‘Maybe that is why it looks so good’, she thought. Three stallions, away from civilization; away from the people who would hurt them. She had such strong feelings that it had reflected in her drawing, even without her realizing it.

When she took her seat, Anil whispered, “nice one.” She smiled. The two of them tried to act as if they had gotten over Niveda, when neither hadn’t. They did it for each other despite knowing it was obvious.

College went back to normal in a few days. For them, it was an excitement of a holiday and a day of supposed mourning. They all went back to their studies and examinations. The second year drew to a close, and students and teachers alike clamoured the corridors clarifying doubts and exchanging last minute notes.

Praveena, oblivious to all that, could neither concentrate on her subjects or sleep. Those days of youthful sleeplessness threatened to take her over again. She longed to speak to someone, she wanted the comfort Ms Marrie had given her. She wanted to hear herself speak the truth. That was the hard part; even though her mind knew Niveda would never come back to sit by her side laughing, her heart still clung to that thin rope of hope. Speaking the truth out loud would mean accepting the inevitable, and it would break her heart. She shuddered every time she thought of Niveda. She spent weekends in her room all alone, staring into space lost in her thoughts about Niveda.

Anil tried calling her, though she wouldn’t respond. Whenever she answered him, she’d put him off with some excuse or the other.

Anil grew worried and scared at her sinister behaviour. He told James about Praveena’s condition and James asked her to meet him.

“What’s happening Praveena? You seem unlike yourself, I hear,” they were in James’ room, and Praveena had her eyes cast down.

“I’m not myself anymore” she mumbled.

“Neither are we.”

Praveena looked up, surprised. James looked at her, with a look that meant what he had said.

“I’m not asking you to forget it, Praveena. Just learn to live with it.” Praveena looked confused.

“Accept the fact and go on with your life. It doesn’t stop for anyone.”

Even years afterward, Praveena would consider that as the best piece of advice she had ever received. Simple truth.

So Praveena tried to take the advice. She realised the difficulty in getting over a loss, but she tried. She attended the final exams, and left home for the term end holidays. She was looking forward to a few good solitary days.

Praveena was leaving Bangalore; she was going home, home to Chennai, and her lonely father. She was glad to get away from college. She needed a break, and she expected good couple of weeks. She had ten days of freedom; freedom from college, lecturers, pity stares, and assignments. She arrived at the Chennai Central Railway station with high hopes. And there he stood waiting, her father. Looking older than she remembered him, making her realize that even as she grew older, so did her father. It came as quite a shock; she hadn’t seen Kamal for nearly half a year, she had been too involved with Niveda and her treatment – ‘Okay, don’t go there!’ her inner voice interrupted sternly.

“Hi, Pa. How are you?” Drained of energy, she gave him a weak hug. Something in Kamal’s embrace comforted her more than anything had had in the past few months.

She hadn’t told Kamal of Niveda’s addiction and suicide. She had told him all about their friendship, but decided not to open up the sad part. She didn’t know if she could handle saying it out aloud. Now though, she knew she had to. She wondered how he would react. Kamal wasn’t the type of father who would shower his daughter with too much concern, but he would take it seriously. ‘Not Ma, though’ her inner voice reminded her. ‘Yes’ she silently agreed. Her mother would have taken it in a different manner. She would have offered suggestions to help Niveda. Her mother had been a good friend, a place Niveda took over. They were both great companionship. Except they were dead. Gone.

“Shall we?” Kamal stepped aside, gesturing Praveena to take the lead. She did. As Kamal drove the motorcycle, Praveena enjoyed the ride. It was early in the morning, the streets dust and smoke-free. As they drove past the tall buildings, Praveena felt the cold wintry breeze playing across her face, making her locks bounce in ecstasy. Praveena thought back to her first weekend in college, when she had stood facing the green valley, letting the wind kiss her face. She thought back to the day she and Niveda, along with Anil, had sat on the grass looking on, savoring a moment of bliss. Those were memories that wet her eyes.

When they reached home, Kamal turned to her, “what do you want for breakfast?” He became excited, clapping his hands and walking with a spring in his step.

“Anything, Pa” she shrugged, smiling. Kamal nodded and left for the kitchen, whistling her favourite song.

Praveena smiled to herself. She was happy that she had got to spend time with her father. She spoke to him over the phone quite a lot, but her physical presence meant a lot to Kamal, and Praveena knew that. ‘Pa, looks dull,’ her inner voice observed. ‘talk to him,’ it urged.

Praveena didn’t know what to say. Niveda was the only thing on her mind, and the guilt that she hadn’t told her father about almost being expelled.

She followed him to the kitchen.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 30

Chapter Twenty Five: Another Loss

Praveena shook with grief as Anil sat next to her, her hand in his and tears in his eyes. They sat alone in James’s room, as James, the matron, and the other teachers took care of the police investigation proceedings.

It was shocking, Niveda’s smiling face kept flashing in Praveena’s mind. She had spoken countless of times to the police inspectors and teachers about the previous night’s incidents. Every time she spoke, or even thought of it, she felt sorrow seeping through her veins poisoning her from within. She couldn’t cry anymore. It was as if her tears had all evaporated even before they were spilled. The last time she had felt so sad was when her mother had died. She silently wept within.

Anil was in a state of shock too. He hadn’t expected Niveda to lose herself. He had thought she would come out successful. After all, he had done it. They remained in James’s room, and after a while and James entered with a knock. Neither of them winced. James took his seat facing them.

“Why did this happen, Praveena?” James sounded sorrowful. Praveena looked up at him, her eyes heavy. She sniffed. “I didn’t notice. Again,” she broke off, unable to continue.

“It’s not your fault,” Anil said in a low voice.

“She was a good girl,” James kept blinking trying to block the tears that threatened to lose control.

“I’ll never be the same again,” It was the second time in her life Praveena had felt that way, but it was her first time voicing it. She did, but Anil and James didn’t.

Praveena hardly got any sleep in the following weeks. She felt loneliness surrounding her. Every time she tried to close her eyes, Niveda’s final look came back to haunt her. Each day the police discovered leads about Niveda’s suicide. According to the autopsy report, there were large quantities of drugs in Niveda. James broke the news to Anil and Praveena.

“It looks like she was never really out of it,” he shook his head in disbelief. Anil wore a crestfallen look and Praveena was too shocked to even say anything. She just sat dumbfounded as if everything that happened around her made no sense at all.

She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. She had made sure not to leave Niveda alone, what had made her inject herself again? Praveena didn’t know how she felt.

Niveda’s parents had come to school the day after she died. They seemed horrified at their daughter’s drug addiction, and her suicide.

They spoke to Praveena and Anil in private. Niveda’s parents blamed them for their daughter’s death. They said the couple of kids poisoned their daughter’s mind, got her addicted, and then killed her.

Praveena felt anger boiling up inside her. She tried hard to remain civilized, but couldn’t. She broke away from Anil’s clutches and walked up close to Niveda’s mother, who looked dressed up for a cocktail party, and pointed a menacing finger at her. “You,” she screamed, “you ruthless woman,” she breathed trying to stable herself, “you told Niveda to go to hell!” she shouted.

“You—you don’t deserve to be a mother.” She then turned to Niveda’s lean father who looked like a model for men’s suits, “and you don’t deserve to be a father either,” She made a spitting gesture at his feet and allowed herself to be taken away by Anil.

Niveda’s mother later reported to the police that she had been drunk when she spoke to Niveda and that was the reason for the exchange of harsh words. The text messages stood against her, but she escaped the cuffs, thanks to an expensive attorney.

When the college management heard of Niveda’s addiction, they were furious at Anil and Praveena. The principal himself spoke in favor of their expulsion.

Praveena didn’t even defend herself. She thought it better to go away from this wretched place, rather than stay in the same room thinking about Niveda every day. She had got special permission from the warden to stay in the same room alone. The warden hesitated at first, doubting that Praveena, in her sorrow, would follow in her friend’s footsteps. But at last she had given in to Praveena’s request.

James vouched for Anil and Praveena. He assured the management that they were not to blame.

“They knew of it, and didn’t report it! They spoiled the college name!” the principal had barked. James hadn’t flinched or reacted.

“It wasn’t their fault. You can’t do this.” James responded coldly. How could these people think only of the school’s reputation when a student had died in the campus? The duo didn’t know what else James had said, but they knew after that incident with James, the principal had avoided any encounter with him.

All around her, students recovered faster than she had expected. They remained sober for a couple of days, but then all of them got along with their own work. They threw pity looks at Praveena and Anil, which infuriated Praveena even more, but that was all they did. Praveena didn’t know what to expect from them either. They hadn’t known Niveda as much as her, but it was painful that Niveda had been secretive, even from her. She couldn’t get over it, and it affected her lessons.

Overcome with helplessness, Praveena started drawing. It happened in a whim, she hadn’t drawn anything much before, but every stroke she made on the paper helped her feel better. As the days went by, her drawings had more depth and meaning. Losing two of the closest people to her heart had changed her perception of life. She couldn’t believe she was the same girl who had been upset for someone who had given up on his passion—as if that was a part from another life.

Her drawings connected well to viewers, but she grew increasingly private. She hardly spoke to anyone except Anil. He too had problems of his own. It was as if Niveda had been the bridge that held the two poles together.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 28

Chapter Twenty Four: Letting Go

Niveda began enjoying her day to day activities. The lack of college work lightened her mood. Every evening, as Praveena finished her daily assignments, Niveda sat with her, helping her out and sharing random conversations.

One day their History of Psychology professor, Mr Brown, questioned Niveda.

“You girl!” He exclaimed at her. He had quite a bad memory when it came to students’ names. “James told me you were doing some assignment for him,” he shook his head showing his disapproval. “What’s that about?” He peered hard at her through his round glasses.

Niveda stood up wondering what to say. She glanced at Praveena who looked back at her mutely, egging her to come up with a convincing lie.

“Er — ” Niveda began, “I’m doing a research on—er—I’m analyzing the greatest psychological experiments, and writing a paper suggesting alternative experimentation methods.” she smiled weakly.

“Experimental psychology, hmm…” Mr Brown nodded, wondering. “I thought it was the psychological effects of experiments on subjects?” He stared at her over the top of his glasses, as if he had caught her red handed doing something illegal, “that’s what James told me.” He added tilting his head to a side, a nasty grin playing on his lips.

“Er—yes, that too—Sir” Niveda added as an after thought. Praveena noticed her swallow hard. She couldn’t manage a lie without squirming with fear and insult.

“Oh, really?”

Anil stared at Mr Brown with contempt. “He doesn’t buy it,” he whispered to Praveena. She looked at Mr Brown who threw a crooked smile at Niveda.

“Sit.” He barked at her, who cowered with fear.

Praveena was a little astonished to see Niveda react the way she did. She would always speak back and bite anyone who dared to insult her. Praveena saw Niveda wasn’t the same anymore; she had changed a lot, giving in to others to stamp her down. ‘Could it be an effect of the drugs?’ She wondered.

After class, the three friends sat in the canteen discussing the event.

“It was so unlike you, Niveda.” Praveena voiced her thoughts. Anil turned to her disapprovingly. She shouldn’t have said that.

“I know,” Niveda said miserably. She hung her head. “I got scared. For some stupid reason. I feel like a coward. I couldn’t even face the old toad.”

Anil held her hand and smiled reassuringly. “No you’re not,” he said. “You’re very brave, you’re fighting this — this — thing, when the others are worrying about facing the exams. You’re braver than the whole lot of them.” He finished with a smile, and so did Praveena. Niveda, however, still looked unconvinced.

That night, Niveda sat on her bed, sleepless. Praveena lay awake as well. They were quiet, each lost in her own thoughts. Praveena had a sudden urge to speak to Ms Marrie. It had been long time since they had spoken with each other. Though Praveena had never accepted it, Ms Marrie had been a second mother to her. She remembered Ms Marrie telling her about getting married. She wondered if the marriage was over. She picked up her phone. She called Ms Marrie, but she disconnected the call when the phone had rung twice. ‘No,’ she thought. It was almost midnight, and Ms Marrie would be asleep now.

With a deep sigh, she put her phone away, and as she did, she saw Niveda meddling with her phone. She was messaging someone. ‘That’s odd,’ Praveena thought. She had never seen Niveda messaging anyone before. ‘but then again,’ her inner voice piped, ‘you had never seen her doing drugs either.’ She shut the voice down.

“Niveda?” she spoke softly a little uncertain.

“Hmm?” Niveda responded without looking up.

“You’re texting someone?” Praveena asked trying hard to keep the astonishment out of her voice.

Niveda looked up. Her eyes reflected confusion. “Yeah,” she snapped. Praveena remained silent. Then Niveda cast her phone away lazily and said in a plain voice, “I felt like talking to my mother.”

“Oh,” Praveen’s eyes widened. “Oh, that’s — that’s good.” She said. ‘What had she expected? That Niveda was messaging someone else?’ She should have known better than to suspect anything sinister.
“Sorry,” She apologized, “I thought — ” She began, but Niveda cut in with a simple, “Never mind.”

“So,” Praveena continued now a bit happier, “what did your Mom say?”

“She told me to go to hell,” Niveda shook her head in exasperation. Praveena couldn’t believe her ears. How could a mother say something like that? “And you know what I said?” Niveda continued, turning to face Praveena, her eyes sparkling. When Praveena shook her head, she said “I said, ‘I will’.”

Praveena stared at Niveda, now scared. ‘What’s got into her?’ She wondered.

“Come on now, Niveda — ” she began, but Niveda interrupted again.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t mean it.” Even in the dim light of the night lamp, Praveena could make out Niveda’s crooked smile.
Praveena didn’t say a thing for a while. “Okay,” she said at last. “Good night.”

“Good night. Sleep tight.” Niveda smiled widely, lay down on her bed, and turned over to the other side.

“Yeah…” Praveena trailed off as she pulled the sheet over her.

Praveena woke up early the next morning. It was Friday and she was expecting a good weekend. She turned to Niveda. Seeing her lying face down on the pillow, Praveena let her sleep a little more.

She left the bed and got ready. Twenty minutes later, she was combing her hair when she realized Niveda was still asleep. Putting her comb down, Praveena went over to wake Niveda up.

“Niveda?” she called tentatively touching her shoulder. That’s when she saw Niveda’s sheets wet. With ‘blood,’ she realized a split second later. Horrified, she turned Niveda over and saw her bleeding on her slashed arm. Paralyzed with shock, Praveena opened her mouth to shout for help, but no sound came out. She ran away from the room in panic and banged on the warden’s door nearby. Seeing a hysterical Praveena, pointing towards her room, the old lady led Praveena back to the room. There on the bed, they found Niveda’s body, lifeless.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 27

Chapter Twenty Three: Catching Up

For the whole of the following week, Niveda took the medicines Rasheed had prescribed. She looked tired all the time, and though the medicines were supposed to make her feel better, they didn’t help much. When she returned from what others assumed her sick leave, Niveda had a lot of work to cover. They were at the end of their second year, and the lecturers pressured them to work harder. Amidst all this, Niveda had to catch up with her lost work and concentrate on the current projects at the same time.

Niveda was working overtime. None of them had realized that missing a few days would lead to such a heavy workload. Praveena helped Niveda catch up. Every evening, both of them would sit in their room, working and chatting. Praveena enjoyed those few days. She thought Niveda was recovering well. She stressed herself, but at least she managed her work without the drugs.

Every time Anil met Praveena, he spoke only of Niveda, and of her treatment. He warned Praveena never to leave Niveda alone.

“Watch out for her, will you?” he kept saying, sounding a little worried.

“Why are you so worried?” Praveena was curious, “she’s going to be alright,” her confidence grew with every day.

“Perhaps not,” he relied, ominous. When Praveena responded with a quizzical expression, he continued, “She’s vulnerable now, coping without the drugs is hard enough, not to mention the assignments and the curious looks. She could easily lose herself.” Praveena had never seen him so serious. She nodded. She took his word for it; he had been there, and he knew Niveda well.

Another uneventful week went by, and on a Sunday morning, James phoned Praveena.

“Hello,” she yawned, her eyes opened in slits.

“Hi Praveena, it’s James.” came James’ muffled voice taking Praveena by surprise. “Hi, Sir—” she sat up in bed hoping it might help her sound a little more awake. Not knowing what to say she asked, “what’s up, Sir?” She became queasy at the awkwardness of the situation.

“Rasheed’s here, he wants to meet Niveda. Could you come along?”

“Sure, we’ll be there, Sir.” she disconnected the call.

“What was that all about?” Niveda was staring at her, nonplussed. She had woken up to the sound of Praveena’s phone, and now propped up on her elbow.

“Rasheed.” Praveena stood up, adjusting her hair and walking to the dressing table. Seeing Niveda laying dumbfounded, “get ready!” she added in surprise.

“Praveena,” Niveda sounded a little unsure. Praveena turned to her confused, “do I have to do this?” Niveda beseeched.

Praveena stood in the middle of the room with hands on her hips looking stern, “We have to do this.” She said decidedly. “Now, where is my comb?” she wondered aloud turning back to the dressing table.

Niveda smiled at her, and got ready.

Twenty minutes later, they met James in his room. Anil joined them a little later. “Good, let’s get started.” Since it was Sunday, the corridors were all deserted. Niveda had her session of therapy in the same classroom as before.

When James spoke to the trio, about an hour later, he looked grim. “Guys,” he said folding his arms across his chest, “this is going to be more difficult than we imagined.” he paused and took a deep breath. He then turned to Niveda, “Rasheed thinks your progress is slower than it should be. Are you straining yourself too much?”

Niveda shook her head, looking worried.

“Yes, you are,” Praveena spoke up. Looking at James she continued, “we stay up late catching up on her assignments”.

James was quiet for a while before saying, “I’ll talk to the other teachers,” When the trio looked shocked, he said, “I’ll tell them I’ve given you a special, time consuming assignment.” Catching the look of glee on Praveena’s and Anil’s faces he added smiling, “The assignment is only for Niveda.”

James and Niveda smiled at Anil and Praveena’s crestfallen looks.

“But then,” James turned seriously to Niveda, “I want you to has as much fun as you can; enjoy the small things. Read a book, eat well, sleep early, and take your medicines regularly. You’ll feel better in no time.

“Yes, Sir.” Niveda affirmed. It was a nice feeling, to imagine what James said. She was excited to experience her life like that; in a way she had never done before. But she was still unsure if she could manage without the drugs. It had been the life in her, she was scared to give it up. She never spoke of her doubts with anyone though. She felt guilty of not confiding in Praveena and Anil. She knew she ought to discuss with them. They might perhaps have a simpler solution, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had learnt to keep herself private.

James was still talking, “Rasheed’s increased your dosage, Niveda. Remember that, and stay strong.”

James was motivating her to help her give up the addiction. Praveena had learned from Anil that encouragement did a lot to help someone get out of the habit. She kept that in mind, and every time she got a chance, she used it to boost Niveda’s will power.

Praveena was confident, Niveda would recover for sure. The treatment would work well, and the three of them would be friends forever. Even as a girl, Praveena had loved fantasizing, but she knew this was more than that. There was something more than a mere friendship between the three; it was a family that none of them had had.

‘Aren’t you sleepy?’ her inner voice questioned her, stifling a yawn. It was late, and Praveena had to stay awake at class the next day. She turned over, and closed her eyes.

National Blog Posting Month – Day 26