Tag: sarcasm

Time to manage

She walked to work feeling excited. She had woken up ten minutes earlier than usual and, to her surprise, didn’t feel tired at all. It’s going to be a good Thursday, she thought walking through the glass doors at her workplace. And if turns out lousy, the weekend’s not far away, her mind assured her.

Taking her place, she looked at the empty seats around her. It was 9 in the morning. She had about an hour before people trudged in.

Taking a deep breath, she fired Safari up. It opened all the tabs she had been working on before shutting down the previous evening. And the first one that looked back at her: Facebook. Instagram was just nearby.

She glanced at her phone. It was 9.05 am. Perfect. She had plenty of time to get some work done early—before the distractions walked in. Perhaps she could leave office early, too, and read that book she had been putting off for more than a while now.

Excited, she was about to turn back to her laptop when she noticed that the wallpaper on her phone seemed boring. Of course, she hadn’t changed it in over a two months. Well, how long could it take?

She flipped through the photos on her phone, and finding nothing worthy of a wallpaper, turned back to her laptop and opened a new tab: mobile wallpapers.

It took a while but she managed to find a perfect fit. Having set the new wallpaper, she was ready to go back to her work email. Facebook was still open, and so was Instagram. She flipped through her feed in record speed, just to catch the latest news from friends. Masha was getting married, Dave Jones had a baby boy (“Name him Davey!”), Trisha was pregnant again, and Joanna had got a new job in Paris. Wow, she wondered scrolling down. It was nice to see the gang succeed.

She kept scrolling until a video made her stop. “How to make the world’s best chocolate chip cookies—as told by Monica.” She smiled to herself. That’s a clever headline, her marketing brain whispered. Good tactic, recalling the beloved Friends character. The title worked on her too; she watched the ten-minute video even though she doesn’t bake. Sighing and craving chocolate, she scrolled further before pausing again. A social-worker friend had posted a video of a non-profit organisation that trained speech-impaired children. Feeling like she owed it to the kids, she played the video. It was short—just a minute and a half. At the end of it, she wanted to bake chocolate chip cookies and share with those kids.

She looked at the phone again. The wallpaper was fine, but would become dull in a month. Perhaps she should try themed wallpapers each month, something fun, she thought—it was 9.45 am.

Now she panicked. The stragglers straggled in one by one. “Hey Bob,” she waved as he passed. “Morning,” she nodded at Priya. And seeing the boss right behind Priya, she looked down in a hurry. She didn’t want him to see her cheery face, for he’d call attention to it at the end-of-quarter meeting later in the day.

She sighed (9.49 am). It was almost time to prepare herself for the tasks of the day. But she didn’t want to. Looking back at the browser, she saw her Instagram full of notifications. Then she remembered she had posted a photo the previous night, and hadn’t seen the responses yet. It was 9.51 am but she still had time. She clicked on the heart.

“Hey. What’s up?”

Her teammate stood behind her cradling a cup in his hand. It was 10.33 am—his coffee time. “Hey,” she replied, her eyes drooping. “I was just reading this article—about successful time management.”

Subject: Your Offer Letter

Message: 

Welcome to the largest conglomerate in the city. You’ll be a part of an exciting team of talented individuals who come together every morning with one major goal: creating world-class products and selling to the world over.

We’re excited that you’ve decided to join these individuals in bringing your skills and unique personality to serve the greater good. We appreciate you and your talent, and as a rewarding gesture, we offer the following work perquisites.

Flexible work hours: We believe that every person has their own schedule and preferences. We respect that. That’s why you can come in and leave at any time you want. What’s more, our office is so comfortable (with couches and bean bags and footrests and sliding drawers) you’d want to come in early, and wouldn’t want to leave.

Recreation: Work while you work, play while you play. That’s our motto — at least it’s one. When a launch drags your workday, you don’t have to risk leaving late. Instead, you can finish it off and spend the night in the office. There’s a sleeping area — separate for men and women.
When you need a break, during the day, you don’t have to get out. Instead, just walk in to the playing area—from tennis and ping pong, to carrom and chess, pick your sport and let the muscles relax. No more healthy gaming in the sun and heading out for unhealthy pizza afterward. Whether you win or lose, we have fresh juice and ice. All inside the campus.

No micro-managing: Our company’s culture is seeded with self-driven teams that organize their own work. No big bosses, no small bosses. No task allocation, no work pressure, no time constraints.

Don’t worry, though. When it’s time for a pay rise, your supervisors will offer what you deserve. We have a successful history of understanding what every employee enjoys doing and letting them do what they want.

We don’t define job roles and responsibilities; everyone’s a marketer and anyone’s a developer, if they’re interested enough.

You may not know where to begin, or how, but it’s our belief that you will learn as you go. And there’s no better way of learning than by doing.

Apart from said perks, you will also enjoy the following:

  • We provide unlimited, wholesome meals three times a day, and snacks throughout the day. It’s free of charge so you don’t have to leave the building and eat unhealthy.
  • You don’t have to stay at your desk to finish up your tasks. When you have a long commute, just avail the free transport to and from the office, equipped with super-fast wifi connection.
  • We love our pets, too. If your cat is ill, you can even work from your couch. We’ll offer free smartphones and sim cards, and reimburse your internet bills. You’ll absorb the latest technology for work and play alike.

We’ve built a workplace and a tradition within our company in such a way that our employees are among the happiest in the world. In fact, [insert the name of a big research company] has named our company as the fifth most desirable place to work in [insert current year].

Glad to have you on board.

Work Lunch

‘Hey, what do you think of that guy’s shirt?’

Which one? Oh, that tall, dark, almost-bald man wearing a pinstriped shirt that enhances his already-large belly?

“Er — nothing.”

‘Ok. How about that girl’s skirt? I mean who wears long skirts to work anymore, huh?’

Anyone who wants to, I guess. After all, some people find skirts are comfortable to move around in. I don’t, of course, but that doesn’t mean I comment on those who prefer skirts.

“I’ve seen a lot of people wear skirts.”

‘Oh. Is that so? I didn’t know…’ She trails off, looking around for someone else with an interesting attire.

Lunch, for me, was a constant affair of awkward shifting and stuffing my food as fast as I could. The longer I lingered at a table, the more chances I had of meeting someone I’d just ended a meeting with. And lunch hall meetings were different from conference hall meetings; they were smaller talk, more jovial. We’d just talk about women’s skirts and men’s shirts.

And as one topic ends, another blooms uninvited.

‘So listen to this. Last weekend, I was cleaning my cupboard and guess what I found? Oh, don’t just shrug. Take a guess.’

Well, judging from your pungent shirt, I’d say you found a bag of unused mothballs.

“No idea. Tell me,” I’m dying to know, in fact.

She smiles, showcasing her whitened teeth. I should’ve known what was to come.

‘Money! With a note, from the tooth fairy. You know, I love Vic. He does the cutest things. He knows I’ve wanted to get my teeth whitened for a long time. And he knows I’d never make it a priority — what with all the new house we’re buying and all that.’ She waves her hand in an offhand way, like it doesn’t matter.

Ok. So for the last half hour, you’ve built up a conversation just to tell me you’ve whitened your teeth, and you’re buying a house. Brilliant. It’s just my idea of a noon-time interaction.

“Ah. That’s nice.” I smile in return, flashing my average-white teeth. I don’t believe in tooth fairies. “I’m full. Aren’t you?”

All You Need to Know About Success

secrets-to-success

Looking for some tips to become successful in business and your personal life? You’ve come to the right place. You can Google “What it takes to be successful?” and you’ll land in thousands of articles. But this one’s different.

In the following pages, I will share with you, the secret to leading a successful life. I’ve written a couple of self-help books before and that gives me every right to tell you what to do. I know about success and I have the audacity to claim that I know more than I know. And that’s all you need to know about my authority over the topic.

As to what you need to know about success itself, let’s just say that it’s a 5-step procedure. Well, no, five’s too little. It’s a 10-step procedure to become what you wish to become and project your best self to the world.

Before we begin, know this: You should never worry about anything anyone says about you. That’s the first rule of wanting to be successful. People who do well in life and society don’t care what their neighbours think or say about them. Instead, they wake up every morning and do what they do best — ignore the world.

Because once you’ve become successful in life — personal or business — you don’t need anyone else in your life. And I don’t mean you can be alone, I just mean that you don’t have to be dependent on someone else.

First lesson: Success in life comes from within. Face a mirror and take a deep breath. Speak to yourself and tell the weird face staring back at you that you’re successful in life. Tell that terrified face that you have everything you need to live a wholesome life.

Sure, you may get fired today because you’ve been slacking for months even after your boss warned you.

Well, your car may backfire on you because you’ve been ignoring the check engine light.

And yes, chances are, you’ll run into the ex-partner you’ve been trying to avoid ever since you cheated on them.

Oh, and that landlord you’ve been hiding away from? He might come around in a few minutes to beat his rent out of you.

But don’t worry about all that now. You’re a star. You can do anything you set your mind to. You are a winner. Think of yourself as a studded, caped, shiny-haired fashion icon. People want to be like you. They’re jealous of you and all that you’ve got for a life.

Congratulations. You’ve crossed the first step towards achieving success. The best way to walk the life you desire is to help yourself. And I’m here to help you help yourself.

To continue reading, buy this book on Amazon. It’ll only cost you half your rent. This is the only self-help book you’ll ever need. Don’t work hard, don’t bother getting down and getting dirty. Just tell yourself you’re successful and you’ll be that in no time.