Chapter Five: Reality Check

Praveena wept.

She had thought high of ambitions and passion. She had a goal in life: to help people in any way she could. She had drawn her inspirations from the various superheroes who had lined up to do good. In all those years of her feverish fandom, she had not thought for one moment that she would not achieve her motives. Now, though, she had doubts. She had always looked up to the people around her for encouragement. People who walk their daily lives with a bigger and ultimate goal in mind.

All her ideals had just came crashing down. She didn’t know why Mr Andrew’s story upset her so much.

‘Andrew is just one man, there are countless others who realize their dreams’, her inner voice tried to comfort her.

‘But,’ – came the second, more sensible voice – ‘if a single person is so easily deprived of his passion, what hope do the others have?’

The first voice fell silent. But only just. It soon replied, ‘there is hope, you idiot. Realizing their dreams is in their own hands. If Andrew flopped his passion, then it was his fault. There’s nothing you can do about it.’

‘Someone didn’t want Andrew to be an archeologist. That was so cruel of them, right? I mean, what kind of society is this? People telling us we are not worth it? It’s insane; unfair.’

‘Life is unfair, you fool. Stop bugging me and get some shut eye. Let’s talk about this in the AM.’

As the voices faded away into silence, Praveena sat on her now clean bed, confusion gnawing at her brain. Both her inner voices had had a point, but they were so contradictory that it made her dizzy. Like there were two different people in her head. Is this a symptom of craziness? She didn’t know.

She lay back on the bed, her arms stretched out. The ceiling fan was spinning, but her head was spinning faster. Jumbled thoughts swirled like mist, drawing a blurred image.

“Shut up.” She advised her head. It didn’t listen. She gave up, turned over and shut her eyes tight. Hours later, she still forced sleep.

Praveena didn’t wake up the next morning. She was late. Her mother came in to check in on her, and seeing her asleep, left without waking her.

It was her father who woke her at quarter to eight. She hadn’t locked the door, and after a curt nod, Kamal strode in to the room in a flourish. He sat on the edge of the bed.

“Praveena?” he called softly. She didn’t move. After a few tensed calls, she stirred. Kamal breathed a sigh of relief.

She opened a crack of her eyes and seeing him, sat bold upright.

Kamal startled, not expecting her sudden movement.

“Pa!” exclaimed quite loud and breathless. “Oh,” she sighed, “you scared me.” She smiled mildly scratching her head. Crossing her legs on the bed, she waited a minute or two for her heart beat to return to normal. When it did, she asked, “What’s up, Pa?”

“Aren’t you going to school? It’s seven forty-five already.”

Praveena looked at the clock, and put her hands on her head. She was so late. The bats will be all over her. ‘Damn,’ she swore to herself.

“I’ll get ready, Pa” she stood up “could you drop me today?”

“OK.” And with that, he left, closing the door behind him softly.

Praveena stood in the centre of the room with hands on her hips. She mentally prepared herself for the explanation.

Sighing deeply, she turned around to get ready for another day at school. When she came down for breakfast, her mother’s smiling face greeted her. “Couldn’t sleep last night?”

Praveena’s look of admiration affirmed Geetha’s suspicions.

Twenty minutes later, she stood at the school gate, waving her father goodbye.

‘School life is a life of stealth,’ she mused walking towards the assembly hall.


 

Chapter Four | Chapter Six

Chapter Four: Shattered Dreams

School. ‘What a pathetic place to be,’ Praveena mused, ‘when you could be anywhere else in the world.’ There was nothing she could do though. She was on her bicycle, riding to school. Youngsters crowded the streets rushing towards their schools. At the end of a five-minutes ride, Praveena was at the gates of the Benjamin Higher Secondary School. Lining up behind the thronging students, she waited at the gate for a few minutes.

Once she had managed to part from the crowd, her next task was to find a cozy parking spot for her bicycle. ‘Why does everyone have to be in such a hurry?’ She thought to herself as she strode in leisure towards the bicycle parking shed. It wasn’t even a proper shed; just a sheet of asbestos propped up and held in place with a few wooden sticks.

‘They should fix this before giving us homework on Renaissance architecture’ Praveena bit back her anger as she parked her cycle in a corner. Her anger returned, but she didn’t know why, and it angered her even more. Kicking hard at one of the wooden sticks lying on the ground, she turned to leave. All around her, students rushed towards their classes with heavy bags and long faces.

What was the day?

Tuesday. ‘Oh, no. It’s Tuesday!’ She slapped her forehead with her hand. ‘It’s Andrew’s class first thing in the morning!’ She realised misery rising within her. She didn’t feel like going to class anymore. The assembly had already begun, and she heard it from the other side of the school. She stopped where she was. If someone saw her not being in assembly, she would have a lot of bats to answer to. Hiding behind one of her favourite Neem trees, she waited, inhaling the medicinal scent of the leaves.

The assembly went on for what seemed hours. At last, Praveena straightened up as the final notes of the national anthem faded away. Now, before anyone figured out she had been missing, she had to join the queue walking from the assembly hall to their class.

It would have been easier to come early and attend the assembly. She ducked down the tree and crouching low, went creeping towards her class queue. For a split second she waited, taking in the atmosphere. There were plenty of teachers roaming the rear of the queues. There is no way she could join one of them without being noticed. She decided to take the chance.

Just as she made to walk towards the nearest queue, there was a commotion on the other side. The principal had had confiscated some electronic gadget from a student. All teachers were distracted and Praveena seized her opportunity. Thanking the student who just got caught, she reached the dreaded class without anyone noticing. A couple of minutes later, Andrew arrived. The class began.

“Good morning, class” Mr Andrew peered at the class through his magnifying glass. “Alright everyone. Submit your papers.” His instruction was clear, yet his voice sounded childish. It wasn’t natural though, maybe it was because of his age. It sounded like he spoke to a three year old. It was annoying, and that was a strong enough reason for Praveena to despise the teacher. That, the subject, and the way he lovingly spoke of it, caressing the think bound book.

All of a sudden, for some odd reason, Mr Andrew looked like a-century-old ghost to Praveena. She wondered why the thought had occurred to her. Andrew had always appeared the same way, yet today she thought he looked as if he had dropped into the class from the 1920s. Ancient. That was the appropriate word to describe him thought Praveena. Yes, he had sunken eyes, and veins that almost popped out of his skin. The few hairs on his balding head stood distinctly white against his brownish head. And he looked tired, something Praveena had never seen in the teacher’s eyes. His eyes had always been sparkling with the excitement of the next lesson. He may be an old fool, she thought, but there’s no denying that he loved his subject.

She appreciated Mr Andrew for doing what he loved, but once he started explaining the day’s lesson, Praveena began to hate him again. He was a good historian, but not at all a good teacher. The class was as boring as ever, and it didn’t help that it was the first period of the day. Praveena soon drifted off into her own thoughts.

An hour later, Andrew was gathering his things and set to leave the class. Praveena offered to carry his papers for him, and on the way she braved enough to ask him about his subject.

“You seem to really love History, Mr Andrew”. She made it a light statement. Not many teachers appreciated private conversations with their students. They felt it made them vulnerable at times. Andrew startled as if interrupted from his thoughts. “Huh?” He tried to remember what she had said, “yes, History. Love it. Yes.” he stopped speaking and continued towards his room. Praveena tailed behind, not knowing how to go on.

People walking past them threw shameless looks at Praveena. No one offered Andrew to carry his things. Praveena saw them and wondered why she hadn’t done this sooner. Andrew, on the other hand didn’t seem to notice. In fact, he didn’t notice anyone in the corridor. He just kept walking.

At last, he found his room in a corner and went in with Praveena still at his heels. He tuned abruptly to face her. “What are you doing here?” He seemed surprised to see her.

Praveena was taken aback. “Sir, I bought your papers for you,” she responded and left them on the desk. And as she did so, she noticed his room was covered with images and sculptures of historical artifacts. His desk was empty except for a tiny coffee mug that read, “Best Dad”.

“Ah, yes. Thank you.”

Praveena turned to leave, then stopped and faced him. He wore a quizzical expression and tilted his head sideways like a child pleading for ice cream.

“Sir, I just wanted to say, you’re brave for doing what you love.”

Andrew’s face hardened. “What?”

Praveena repeated, now a little scared, without missing a single syllable.

Andrew folded his hands. “You think I love teaching?”

Praveena’s eyes widened and she nodded as doubt creeped into her head.

“No. I hate teaching. Archeology is my real love. There’s a huge difference.” He said it matter-of-factly. As if it didn’t matter that he had ignored his passion and opted for another profession altogether.

‘But why?’ Praveena wanted to ask. He answered her unasked question.

“Because they told me Archeology was useless, and I was stupid enough to believe it.” He dropped his hands and his body went limb. He look depressed again.

“Every morning I convince myself that teaching is good, and every night I weep silently.” he turned to face the wall and hung his head.

How could he give up on his dream? Praveena was speechless. She left the room without saying a word.


 

Chapter Three | Chapter Five

History is Mere Gossip

Oh yes!

I revere History as a subject. That’s also why I hate that it’s become so subjective. No one knows what the truth is anymore, we’re all so engrossed in stories that interest us so much that we often forget that​ the words “story” and “history” don’t even belong in the same sentence.

​It hurt so bad when I came across in my text book that Queen Elizabeth the second took the throne in 1963 when the very next page claimed that it was in 1953. Though that is more of a valuation of our education system than History, it still put a thorn on my head.

tiara

That’s when it all came crashing down. We don’t care what happened all those years ago, we only care for what’s more sensational. The more interesting story goes into school books — to become history. The more interesting a story, the more it’s spoken about. And we all know the more we talk of something — especially in schools — the more the chances are of it becoming a fact.

It’s quite sad that people are so used to telling and retelling facts as stories. Besides, how much of a difference would it make if the Queen wore a tiara instead of a crown; ​the tiara is the fancier word isn’t it?

What starts with a tiara grows on to elephant rides becoming horse rides, corn becoming cotton, and eventually ​Pakistan becoming India. It’s just a matter of time.

Is it the human craving for adrenaline that makes us morph the truth — or what’s commonly accepted as the truth — into something a bit more… racy?

What’s wrong with calling an execution an execution? Must we make it a chase and kill?

It’s all subjective; we’re are so used to talking about heroics and racing cars that we like to incorporate them in our narratives. The sad part of it all: we do it instinctively, we do it without care, we are so offhanded that in a way, we kill the essence of our History.

Sometimes, we just have to accept our forefathers for what they were — cowards. Sometimes we have to live with knowing they lived bad lives, and that they had priorities we deem unworthy. Because only when we accept history for what it is, can we learn and not duplicate the very lifestyles we mask with gossip.

It Doesn’t Matter

Because in the end, nothing matters.

Feels awkward, to start the day with a thought like that. But it’s a bitter fact. Nothing matters. In the end. Not the people we choose to hold hands in church with, not the kind of soup we pick at the supermarket, or the lifestyle that we adopt.

But, sad enough, it all matters. Now.

And like it or not, we live in the now. We think ahead — humans are weird that way — and save for the future. Save money, save the journeys we’d like to make, save everything. We save ourselves now, hoping to take up life later  on— in future.

But in the end, nothing matters. In future, once I’m dead and gone, it doesn’t matter that I had once smoked pot in school. But oh, it matters so much when I’m in school.

But, which matters to us more; the future, or this moment?

Sometimes, even thinking about it is meaningless. Because it won’t matter to me at the end of this post. But mid-way, it matters a lot. Not only because it’s giving me something to ramble about, but also because my decision now affects the course of my life.

This moment matters to me. The small choices matter. Like choosing to read alone, instead of throwing myself into a crowd of college kids drunk on their parents’ money. I know it won’t matter later. That’s why it matters now. Because it’s trivial. And short-lived. Because I’ll never get to make these choices again. I hold on to the things that matter to me now, because when I get to a point when nothing would matter anymore, I would remember these little choices.

Because, after all, even the death bed is just a moment. And then, it would be the now.

The Good O’l Days

good old days

Oh, I miss those days,

when all that mattered

was the next class —

carrying a bulky book,

and caressing with a love

that none understood.

*

I miss that thrill —

of having the book open,

of reading a piece of prose —

or a poem — yes,

I’d like that — a poem.

*

A war poem, perhaps,

with a touch of sarcasm

and plenty pathos

oh, I’d love that; reading

analyzing, and discussing

the figures of speech and

reading between the lines —

decoding puzzling poetry.

*

I miss being awed

by the ceaseless Caesar,

and Brutus back stabbing;

the hair that be wires;

and the stunned disbelief

when love’s not love.

*

I miss those days —

of classroom revelations,

of shared appreciations

and new born respect —

oh, for god’s sake,

I meant for literature.