Brunch and the Buck

Black Buck
No. Not this one.

It was Sunday and I was brunching with a few foreigner friends. And with us were an Indian couple who loved talking about their exotic trips to various parts of the world.

Everything was fine. Sushi is deceptive, I learnt. They packed my unsuspecting mouth with so much of rice and flavour that three rolls stuffed me. Though it could’ve been because I had also eaten some risotto, bread and brie, and noodles, washing it all down with a tall glass of Mocktail.

By the time the storytellers began their cruise somewhere in central Europe, I had almost dozed off. But it was a party, and I had to play my part. I smiled and nodded as if it was the most interesting thing I had ever heard. It was, too, to an extent. I even felt a tinge of jealousy that they could lounge in a jacuzzi for thirty minutes while on a ship that in itself was a large jacuzzi.

And then the man of the couple began narrating the incredible story of his iPhone meeting water. Since they were in the middle of the sea, mobile network was out of the picture. Great. But he had taken his phone over to a water tub — a jacuzzi if you prefer the fancy term — to take pictures. Pictures of what, he didn’t say, and I didn’t know him well enough to ask. Anyway, he had become engrossed in the water to remember the phone in his pocket.

To summarise, he had spent a fortune on the cruise and had gone into the jacuzzi with his phone still in his pants. Awesome. Thirty minutes he relaxed before kicking himself for losing his iPhone to the perilous chemicals of h2o.

Social convention seemed to dictate we laugh at this point. So we did.

He went on. His heart had broken and his phone’s soul had shattered, but he had given it a royal goodbye. At this point, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or put on a sad face. I decided to plaster a smile, showing I was politely interested. Not too much, not too little I thought to myself.

While I had been busy thinking, he had been talking. When I turned my attention to him again, he began telling us tough it was to replace the phone he had just finished mourning. It’s hard, I heard, to get an iPhone replaced. They ask a lot of questions. And a lot of money. Not too surprising, since we were talking Apple and a drenched iPhone that they never claimed was water-proof. “It cost me a bloody 20,000 bucks!”

Hold it right there, buddy.

I was wide awake now. “20,000 bucks”?

A lot of Indians used “Rupee” and “buck” to mean the same thing, but our North American friends — from the looks on the faces — didn’t. The storyteller seemed too invested in his story to notice, but for a moment, there was silence. And “buck” was the culprit.

Plenty of my close colleagues say “buck” when they mean “Rupee” and it always left me with a knot in my stomach. I’d ache to give them a stern look over my glasses and correct their distinct sense of senselessness. They are two different things; a buck in America is 65 rupees in India, which is the approximate cost of a cup of coffee in a semi-fancy restaurant.

Twenty thousand Indian rupees is about $300. And I could imagine our company’s horror when they heard a figure that meant $20,000 to them. Sure, they were all too nice to blurt it out to my Indian friend, but he did sound silly.

We might spend weekends watching Hollywood movies or pretend to read modern American literature, or even chat on Tinder with people from the other side of the world. But some things don’t change. The “Rupee” couldn’t ever become the “buck.” And I wish my iPhone-losing friend hadn’t interwoven our economies like that, given how unstable they are. (But that’s for another time.)

Converse Impromptu

Hello there! Fancy seeing you at my desk. I thought your workplace was on the other side of the floor?

Oh, you’re chatting with my team, that’s nice. Getting a break from all the sales calls you’re dealing with? Well, you deserve it. After all, how many deals do we have now, five Yes, that’s a big improvement from last year’s four. It’s awesome, and no you’re not wasting our time at all. We’re happy to put our work on hold, this is important stuff, whatever we’re talking about.

Hey, no, that’s ok. Don’t bother getting up from my chair, I’ll just stand around for a while. Besides, I’ve been sitting all day at a horrible meeting. The boss just grabbed my throat about that report we should’ve sent. But that can wait. What were you saying, again? Oh, yes the league.

Huh? Sorry, I’m not bored. I’m just exhausted you see. But don’t let that get in the way of your conversation. It must be important if you must have it at my desk.

Oh, yes, he shouldn’t have shouted at the umpire like that. And I did see how the coach reacted. I would have been offended. But — er — you’re invading my space and I’m not punching you, so what do I know, huh?

That’s great, I mean, it was so cool when he lurched over and caught the ball. I didn’t think he would get it either. No, I didn’t nod off to sleep! I was awake, watching the game. Oh, that final moment, when he kissed the ground? Wow, yes, I agree, pure love for his nation. You’re right, that’s what we need, more sportsmen like him. Such a team player. He’s always focussed on the game, never wavering. You know, I’ve never seen him at after parties or hangouts either. I’ve heard he doesn’t do that stuff. Of course, we work at a tech company, and we’re not the same as him. But I’m saying, what a man!

Sorry, what, a movie tomorrow? But don’t you have a meeting with that foreign client? Oh, you sure someone else can handle it? I thought it was your responsibility. Well, anyway, I wish I could come, but I have plans. Plus, work doesn’t happen on its own, you know. Anything else you want to talk about?

Ah, ha, good places for beer! That’s a never-ending conversation. Except, I have to leave early and you taking over my workplace isn’t that great. But sure, it’s Wednesday. It’s not like it’s the most important day, huh?

You know what? I’m just going to take my laptop to the system admin. It’s been weird all week. I’ll see you around?

Never.

Spot the Difference

There’s a difference between praise and flattery. Praise is sincere appreciation, while flattery, well, is false. And sometimes, we go overboard.

Some say nice things to get their way. Some others don’t know what hit them. However, it’s nice to know that someone out there likes your work, appreciates your time, and makes an effort to make you feel good.

Sure, they could be lying, or trying to control you into doing something for them. Who’s to say, they could even flatter you, gag you, drag you, and take your money away. But what if they do none of those?

That one person, who seems like a stalker, and a sweet talker, could just be an admirer. That one person who praises you so much that you begin to doubt yourself, perhaps just likes you for who you are.

We’re a untrusting society. Parents teach children to stay away from strangers. We discourage friendships from foreign lands, lower statuses, and other castes. We’ve become so cautious that we are too afraid to accept someone’s appreciation. We’re accustomed to looking for the “catch” in every statement.

“Hey, let’s get pizza. I’ll pay.” — Why, what information do you need?

“I’m happy I could help.” — What do you want in return?

Sometimes, we judge. But most times, we judge too soon. Not everyone looks at life the same way we do. Maybe something we did somewhere had changed someone’s life. We need to realise that sincere praise is far from flattery. They could mean to tell you how much you mean to them.

Flattery to some people is truth to some others. Except the ones dabbling in fakery just to manipulate you — those bastards are real.

Pantry Talks

Hi there! Sorry, I didn’t notice you. Though I wouldn’t have come in if I had. Great to see you — again.

I’m just here to grab a cup of coffee. Sure, we can talk. As long as it’s here and not in my place. I wouldn’t want you there flirting with my teammates.

Oh, work’s fine, thanks for asking. How’s about yours?

Must’ve been hard to input all those numbers, huh? Ah no worries, you won’t get fired for smoking weed at the parking lot. You were stressed, you say? Sure, it’s not as if that’s offensive or dangerous—or against the policy.

Nothing’s new with life, then? Quite obvious, since we had this exact conversation in the restroom a couple of hours ago. But you’re right. Anything can happen anytime, even though we’re just staring at screens behind glass doors.

Yeah, the weekend’s almost here. No plans yet, why do you ask? Oh, it’s a place south of here, huh? Sounds fun, a weekend hike with you and some friends I don’t know. Sure,
I’d love to make barbecue and talk about new movies. Not at all a waste of time.

No no, we can talk. It’s not like I have a memo to finish. Or work on the upcoming release.

Hell no, I’m not declining your hike offer because I have a date. And no, it’s not that I don’t like you either. I’m cool with you gossiping behind people’s backs. It sure is a fun way to blow off steam. You’re right, life’s short. And standing here talking to you makes me realise it more.

You know, why didn’t make eye contact as I came in here? No, I didn’t want to avoid you, but, you see, I’m stuck with an issue. Can you help fix it?

Wha — you just remembered you’re busy? You were just chilling out until I mentioned work. You shouldn’t be in the pantry at 3 in the afternoon if you have tasks over your head.

Oh, I see. Sure, sure, we all get distracted sometimes. So, you’re going now? Yup, I’ll catch you sometime later. And I hope sometime’s never.

Dear Colleague,

I just met you a while ago.

We stepped into the same lift. I was getting back to my place having escaped from an impromptu gossip gathering at the food court. It was 11.30 in the morning, and I had a memo to send out before lunch. That’s when I ran into you. And if I remember right, you were just signing into work.

I smiled. Not because I was happy to see you, but because I believed in keeping up with social niceties. I never thought for a second that you’d take it assume it was an invitation to make small talk. Alas, my bad.

Sure, I’d be thrilled to hear about your trip to the western coast of Australia. Oh, so they’re 6 hours ahead of us? Wow! Those bastards could’ve warned us about the twin towers, huh? I feigned laughter, forcing myself to look stupider than your narration.

And then I realised that the lift had stayed stuck on the 9th floor, and me with you.
As you moved on to the story of the lasagna you made last night, I chanced a glance at my watch. What had started as an innocent break had transitioned into forty-five minutes of wasted time. You didn’t notice, however, and I locked arms across my chest praying for the lift to move. I’d have only been happier if the lift had broken a chord and hurled us both to the ground. At least then you’d stop talking.

From the greasy dinner, you went on about your love life. Oh, why wouldn’t I love to hear how the hot guy on the block asked you out? And I’d be happy for you if the two of you hit it off well. No no, I care about your date night. And no, it wouldn’t be inappropriate at all for you to ask about his previous relationship.

I’m not sure if you had noticed my tortured smile, but I had one plastered on my mouth ever since my first smile. How I regretted getting into the same lift as you. But you go ahead. I’d love to hear you talk about… something.

And a while later, the lift started moving, taking me — a dragging inch at a time — to a place far away from you. We stopped on your floor, and you were oblivious as usual.

Isn’t this your stop? Oh, shoot! Shame I couldn’t hear more about your new boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy. Oh yes, we should catch up sometime. Coffee? Sure. This afternoon? Er, well, I can’t think of anything else I’m doing, so–ok. Ciao.

As the lift closed again, I breathed a sigh of relief. Before I knew it, the lift had reached the topmost floor — mine. I walked back to my place, too drained to finish that memo, but lunch was around the corner, and I had to get it done soon.

For the next fifteen minutes, my fingers flew over the keyboard. I hit send and leaned back on my chair when I heard my stomach rumbling.

Dragging myself to the lifts, I pressed the button for the ground floor. I had skipped breakfast and wish I hadn’t. As I walked into the dining hall, who should I run into but you!

Oh hello, how nice to see you again!

But I just met you a while ago.


Also published on Medium.