Certainly Uncertain

certainly uncertain
Sylvia Plath

So many times in my life, I’ve felt it — that feeling of uncertainty, of not being sure of what to do, or how to do something. Anytime, any day, any where — there are doubts.

And then, from nowhere, comes clarity.

Sometimes, you just know what to do. You become so sure that you’re not even sure how you became so sure. You, who used to be so unsure of everything.

And that’s why I love Sylvia Plath.

I can’t even begin to say how much I relate to her words. I haven’t read one book of hers; just a few poems, but I already know she’s one of my favourites.

Every word, every syllable, is pure venom. Addictive, powerful and the only truth.

Book, The

Of all the books I’ve read, and with more on my list, there’s only one that I can’t completely read.

There’s something about this book — something that surprises me and even puts me off  — something that makes me feel like I’m never ready to fully experience it, as if there’s still something left for me to master before I read through it.

It shows me how ignorant I am, but at the same time, it teaches me what I don’t know. It makes me feel powerful — like I can do anything when I have it.

Other people think I’ve mastered the book, now that I’ve had it for a while, but no — only I know how much I struggle every day trying to decode this one beautiful beast. I’ve never seen anything this decadent, by the way. Not another book that’s as sleek, as handy and as smart as this one.

Oh, the pride of carrying this book around! And the looks on others’ faces while I handle it; they’re amazed at my mastery thinking I’ve figured it all out! Every time I open it up somewhere and caress it, the warmth it spreads within me is incredible — I feel like there’s no match for this book ever created.

As I read, and move my fingers across its body as gently as I could, I feel it warming up; the more I read, the warmer it gets. Somehow, though, it never gets too hot to hold.

It’s become my friend; whenever I feel cold, or alone or bored, I just open it up and let the heat spread warmth. It consoles me in its own special way. How could anyone create such a book? A book that’s not just a book, but that’s also an extension of the arm and mind.

My dearest Macbook — it’s a relationship that never dies.

Giving Thanks… Or Something like That

I’ve been a little behind the times lately; I almost missed to accept the Versatile Blogger award. Ha, will happen never again!

It’s all thanks to Cel who nominated me for this award. Sorry, I didn’t do this sooner Cel, and I will take that challenge as well. Just give me some time ;)

So another award! I just realized how great it feels to be recognized as a part of the blogosphere; sometimes I can’t help but feel like just a negligible speck in such a vast space.

versatile blogger

Anyhow, the rules:

  • Thank the person who gave you this award – Yup, done that.
  • Include a link to their blog – that too.
  • Nominate 15 deserving bloggers you discovered recently for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site – 15, huh?
  • Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself – get ready Cel!

Me:

  1. I love coffee, but I drink tea as much as coffee. That makes me a double addict!
  2. I almost always eat healthy – and often top it with a piece (or two) of chocolate.
  3. I don’t like pizza – I can take a piece or two, but certainly not more than that. And I’m not a fan of cheese either. Yes, you read right.
  4. I love road trips. And I hate having to reach a destination; I’d rather keep going.
  5. I so badly want to go on a solo trip, but my sense of direction is pathetic and sadly my parents know that.
  6. I just recently realized how much it hurts to hold a DSLR for long at a stretch.
  7. I love trekking.

So, there you have it! Hope it’s random enough.

I nominate:

  1. Catherine – Leaf and Twig – Have you ever felt like hitting that Like button a thousand times? That’s how I feel about Catherine’s work. It’s pity she’s disabled Likes. But I enjoy every post; she never ceases to thrill.
  2. Lucas – Through Open Lens – It’s always great to see the world through someone else’s point of view. And with someone like Lucas, you also get to enjoy a funny one-liner and an interesting fact. Classy!
  3. Meisaan – Curving toward the center – Home to some of the best haiku I’ve ever read! And she picks the greatest accompaniment photos!
  4. Quail – Butterfly Sand – A friendly voice in the neighborhood. From shady quips and daily quips to poetry and short stories, she’s like the fun aunt whose advice I’d really listen to.
  5. Sue – WordsVisual – Sue’s up to some great photography and poetry. That’s one killer of a combination; you wouldn’t want to miss that.

I’m a known rule-breaker, so there goes the ‘nominate 15 bloggers’ rule. I follow plenty of awesome bloggers – you know who you are, and you’re all awesome. Unfortunately, most of you don’t accept awards.

Anyway, it’s been great fun blogging with you guys. Stick around, and let’s keep sharing stories.

Have a great weekend y’all. Cheers.

The Writer Within Me

writer within

It began about a year after my tenth birthday. My classmates had discovered the power of hormones. Friends were categorized into guys and girls, and everywhere, butterflies erupted.

Meanwhile, I, the late-bloomer, was scratching my head at the sudden change around me. It became increasingly difficult to endure conversations with friends. How was I supposed to know how cute my friend’s neighbour was? School became a tiring, inescapable routine.

Home wasn’t any better. Luckily, my parents  lacked interest in mediocre television. We did have a TV set — modest and as old as I. Since it served the purpose, my parents preferred not to indulge in luxuries. Besides, we hardly engaged the idiot box. The news was the only thing my father deemed worthy of watching. And listening to people getting ripped off wasn’t exactly my idea of leisure.

That’s when I started looking for alternatives. It was surprising how free I was – so much time, yet so little to do.

More out of desperation than anything, I scavenged the house for old magazines. Tamil or English — it didn’t matter. As long as it kept me occupied. And occupied I was.

But when you’re reading magazines all the time, you realize they don’t publish them as often. Then I went back to square one. One day, I waited eagerly for my father’s return from work, and once he did, I stood in the doorway of his room leaning my head on the frame.

“I’m bored. Can you get me some books?”

My father isn’t the unusual kind. Good grades mattered most to him. And so he responded, “What about your school books? Are you done reading them?”

I wasn’t surprised, I half expected it. Everyone said that , it would have been surprising had he said anything else. Back then, I was young. And timid. I’d rather shut up and sit in a corner than speak back to my father. Not that I was afraid of him — he wasn’t the terrifying kind. It was the utmost respect that I held him in that prevented me from being rude. He has high regard for values and morals. Values my mother also shares. With such parents, I grew up learning to obey elders. I learnt — sometimes the hard way — that elders are experienced and know better than I ever would. It was one of those Indian mentalities you have to accept without questions.

But even I knew he asked too much of me. I was having a hard enough time in school and wasn’t willing to spend my time at home going through the same torture. I’d pretend to study just before my father returned home. When he saw me at it, he’d smile approvingly. I didn’t feel guilty — because I saw he was happy.

There was no point in being a rebel if no one’s going to benefit. That was my first action of disobedience.

But despite this little success, I was still bored. My mother was always supportive of reading. She was a voracious reader herself, but I could seldom comprehend her interest in newspaper articles. I think it was she who suggested the school library.

In the following weeks, I developed a close relationship with my school librarian. Not sure where to start, I decided to pursue a series I had always enjoyed. I discovered the entire series of Enid Blyton classics. As weeks turned into months, my librarian recommended a crime novel that not many students preferred. “The mirror crack’d from side to side” — it wasn’t love at first sight. It was a worn book with torn pages. How silly of me!

I had no way of knowing back then that that’s the mark of all wonderful creations. And so began my love for Crime.

Naturally, my father noticed. I’ve always admired his ability to recognize unconventional behavior. He’s something of a detective himself. What surprised me though, was his approval. Perhaps it was the pretense-studying, or that my grades weren’t so bad, or perhaps my mother had just put in a good word. Whatever it was, my father got me books – where from, I still don’t know.

Those were the best days of my life – days and nights of reading. And then one day, my father handed me “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” I remember my hands tingling. I had heard so much about the book, of course. That day, I discovered my love for storytelling.

I read the book about twelve times continuously. To say I was hooked is an understatement. I revered the writing.

How could simple words, in sequence, captivate me so?

I tried to answer myself by reading the book and the series again. To this day, that’s what motivates my reading. The writing made me think. I knew the words; they were straightforward. So why can’t I write it?

Then I realized — writing is just finding the perfect sequence for words we overuse. Could it really be difficult? And so I began writing. Every new book I read helped me discover new styles and words, but Rowling’s writing was the  basis on which I built my passion.

Everything I read today kindles the inspiration for my short stories, poems, and blog posts.

Inspired by Anne Frank and the cartoon, “As told by Ginger,” my first writing was in my journal. I liked Anne’s idea of naming her journal “Kitty.” A neutral name — neither boy nor girl. I did the same, addressing my letters to ‘X.’ I still do.

Work the Routine

the routine

She awoke with a wide smile. Today was the day. Jumping out of bed, she reached for her new French Press. Letting the coffee to brew, she grabbed her brush and skipped her way to the bathroom.

Her reflection glowed at her. Laughing at her self, she cleaned her teeth and washed up.

Opening the bathroom door, she saw it. On her dining table sat her perfectly brewed coffee. Waiting, calling for her.

She grabbed her extra-large mug, in all its whiteness, and poured carefully the brown goodness into it. With the cup nestled in both her hands, she walked over to the window.

Slowly inhaling the scented steam, she looked down at the world. Bustling and rushing — worktime had begun.

Turning away, she walked over to her desk. Everything was ready.

Clicking her Mac to life, she placed her coffee next to it. She pulled herself closer to her desk, and opened the usual application; Pages.

Full screen.

No distractions.

Clean slate.

Fingers hovering over the keyboard, she waited.

An hour later, she stood for a refill. And then, went back to the clean slate.

This time, she crossed her arms, waiting.

The cursor kept blinking. Assuringly. All would be alright. She’d figure it out.

The sun kept rising. She took a break for lunch — a pack of instant noodles, and got back to her desk.

Back to her blank canvas.

Daylight steadily decreased, and along with the lights, came her evening cup of coffee.

Still a black canvas.

Night fell as she steadily stared at the blank screen. When the clock stuck twelve, she breathed heavily and cracked her knuckles.

And then, she began.