Another year has come, and here I am… musing

going back

It’s that time of the year again. The time to slowly and desperately count down to the end of the year, hoping only for what could be a better year.

A lot of people now are either talking of, or writing about how great, or in some odd cases, how plain and dull the past year was.

I’m going to do nothing new. It’s the same, old story; from rants and happiness; of work and fun to missed reunions.

2013, a year which I honestly didn’t expect to face. I did believe in the “Big Bang” that the Mayans deprived us of, sadly. But 2013 did come, and is now past.

It was a very confusing year for me as an individual. Facing exam pressure, coming out bruised but nonetheless glad, making big decisions, struggling to find my voice amidst my family’s inconveniently many loud ones, oh yes. Yes, what a scarily amazing year!

I won’t go into details of how the year unraveled before my sometimes-protesting eyes. That’s a boring story. But what really interests me is how much I’ve grown (figuratively, if course) over the year.

At the beginning of the year, I was one who people would call “living under a rock.” I was so far behind on current events, both good and bad, both economical and technological, both political and environmental.

Now, I am quite the same when it comes to being the all-informed person, but I have explicitly accepted that curiosity isn’t worthy of me keeping it. It isn’t just revelation, but realization.

I always had problems with being around people. I don’t mention it to anyone of course, but the thing is, I make it obvious when I am in the company of new people. I simply don’t get along. At the beginning of the year, I was a student and I thankfully didn’t have to face too many new eyes.

But as the year wore off, I moved off to another city and another society all together. The transition left me nothing short of a stunned. I was lost, despite having my brother, who was always around.

Scarily, I felt alone. It was all new. Being alone had never before bothered me, I was, in fact, a loner. I preferred being with myself  most of the time.

But that’s not what the corporate world is looking for. They want people who would and could easily open up and socialize with people they’ve met a couple of seconds ago. I was a bit terrified. I like to take my time around people, I don’t rush into acquaintances or friendships.

My biggest habit was in question, and I suddenly was hunting for people who would listen without judging.

I ain’t good at finding people.

After witnessing a lot of people and their attitudes, I had learnt it the hard way — to save myself from a lot of pain, I should speak up, unless I’m alright with being crushed under others’ feet.

The world isn’t happy with you being quiet and personal. Introverts are expected to adopt extroversion, or the consequences would be hard.

If you’re someone like myself, you would know that embracing something that you are not is no easy thing to do. It’s like becoming someone else, while retaining the original you.

I am not going to join ranks with the ones in power, those who expect everyone to behave just like the way they wish them to be, but I’m not going to be quiet either. There are a lot of people who’d think silence is a mark of the weak. I am not of Gandhi’s level to smile serenely at their foolishness and wait for time to show them.

I will have to give people a taste of my mind, if that’s the only thing that would keep them from making a bad judgement.

That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned last year. A lesson that took some of my naïvety, but it’s alright. If that’s what it takes to understand the harsh realities of life, then so be it. I have no use with being naïve.

So, that brings me to my resolution. I have decided that speaking up isn’t such a bad idea after all. Particularly, if it can get you a voice of your own.

Happy new year folks.


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